I mumble, I cuss, I drink to excess, I stammer, I smoke, I’m manipulative, I’m slothful, I’m bitter, I’m moronic, I’m malnourished, I fight, I spit, I steal, I’m murderous, I’m irascible, I’m uneducated, I’m untalented, I lie, I’m vain, I’m selfish, I’m fat, I’m hostile, I’m religious, I have the IQ of a lame chipmunk, I’m obsessive, I can’t touch myself, I’m boring, I’m unpalatable, and I’m pretty good at making risotto.