28: Auf wiedersehn, goodnight.
OOC: Firstly, thank you for the Best Writer Ciddie. And secondly, sorry for taking so long with this ending but when you view the length, you can probably see why. Been working on this for days.
I will be surprised if anybody reads all of it but hey, I had fun writing it! A big kiss to you if you do.
Finally, it will help if you put this: YouTube - Pirates of the Caribbean Theme Song on repeat while reading this. I did while writing it, anyway!
"You!" spat Rantzien haughtily. "Why have you performed these deeds?"
"Ah ha Rantzien it is I Levian!" moaned Levian.
"OF COURSE!" whispered Rantzien as he grabbed his tempered steel falchion, waving it aggressively at Levian.
"TIME FOR YOU TO SUFFER INORDINATELY!" wailed Levian, clutching his black iron scimitar with his gnarled fingers, preparing for the duel ahead.
"Incorrect." bellowed Rantzien with an air of victory.
"How so?" queried the Levian.
"Today is the day for my adventure!" and it begun.
Rantzien swung his sword viciously towards Levian who quickly rolled to the side to avoid the deadly blows. He nimbly leapt to his feet and began an assault of his own, aiming strikes directly at Rantzien's bulbous skull. Rantzien was caught temporarily off guard by this, and one of Levian's aimed slashes brushed the side of Rantzien's cheek, causing blood to seep out of a newly-formed cut.
Rantzien quickly regained himself and set his trust sword on fire, and his orange firebrand danced and twisted as he charged forwards once more. Levian was up to it and parryed all of his Swedish opponent's thrusts away, although his sword was under heavy strain from the heavenly inferno that spewed forth from Rantzien's blade, and so he sought to increase the distance between himself and his foe.
They rushed once more and the swords sort of exploded into little fragments or something I guess? It was pretty cool!
Rantzien rushed up a hill and Levian followed him eagerly, and the two fought and beat each other. Levian tripped Rantzien into the ground, but as he approached his fallen opponent, Rantzien lept up again, driving his shoulder into the shorter man's stomach, and the two rolled down the hill.
At the bottom of the hill was a castle, and Levian, his clothes ripped and torn from the undignified descent from the hill, sensed that he could find another weapon in there, and surely his unarmed adversary would then be finished. He sprinted across the drawbridge into the gatehouse, and Rantzien, realising the villain's intentions, followed in hot pursuit. Levian jumped up on top of a hay cart and swung on a beam that jutted out of it, neatly landing on top of the castle's outer wall. Rantzien followed suit, scrambling up some nearby vines to reach his goal.
Levian could not outrun his foe forever, and turned to fight him once more, bringing his fist into Rantzien's unguarded jaw. Rantzien was temporarily stunned, but regained his senses enough to swing a foot out at Levian's ungarded shins, sweeping him to the floor. As he went to pin his fallen opponent and finish the job, Levian returned the favour and swept Rantzien's feet out from under him, and this time the Swede was sent crashing down off the curtain wall.
"You baboon man!" called Levian, mockingly, as he hurtled towards the main keep of the castle where the armoury surely was.
"Go slice your mother's furnishings!" growled Rantzien in retort, although he knew words were all he could do. If Levian reached the armoury first he was in an almighty amount of trouble.
Rantzien kicked the door to the armoury in, and quickly glanced around, looking for something - anything - to arm himself with against this Norwegian menace. And then he saw him. Levian was clutching an almighty gold battle axe, menacing with spikes of diorite and decorated with hanging rings of goblin bone, and upon his face was a truly evil and sadistic grin.
"Today is the day your adventure dies, Rantzien!" he spewed. Rantzien was more than well aware of the fact that he could not hope to win this fight, and he darted towards the stairs that curved upwards towards the roof. Levian was cackling maniacally as he gave chase, and Rantzien could hear him swinging his titanic axe right at his heels. He had now arrived on the roof and ran towards the edge, not really knowing where else he could go.
"No running for you now, Rantzien! You are as trapped as a fly!" taunted Levian, and Rantzien could see no way out. This was a most dire situation! Levian came at him with his axe, seeking to strike the final strike of this most epic of duels, but Rantzien reached forwards and grabbed the handle of the weapon, and the blade was stopped mere centimetres above his hairy head. The two struggled, with Levian pushing downwards with all of his might, and Rantzien pushing upwards with all of his. Suddenly the two both tried pushing to the side simultaneously, and the axe crashed into the castle's roof with a Herculean force, causing the section on which the two men were standing to crumble, and the two tumbled off the roof.
The two punched and kicked at each other as they fell, desperate to gain any sort of advantage when they landed, and as they were so close together, they both ended up falling down the castle well, still lashing out at each other as they plummeted further into the shaft.
Both were pleasantly surprised by a soft landing, however, they were unpleasantly surprised when they discovered what it was - they had landed in the castle sewers!
"Blech! This is your father's dwellings, you pastry chef!" gasped Levian with disgust.
"No! This is your grandmother's surprise closet, you fart-belching yew tree!" retched Rantzien in return, and the two resumed hostilities, each seeking to permanently take the other man out of the fray.
Levian aimed a somersault kick which caught Rantzien on the nose, and the younger man's response was to scratch Levian's eyes with his superbly kept finger nails. Levian, now seeing blood, wanted to return the favour, and he scooped up a handful of waste and flung it at Rantzien's face, both blinding and disgusting the poor fellow.
Enraged, Rantzien grabbed Levian by his brown silky hair and slammed his head into the filth-encrusted rock wall of the sewer. Levian was seeing stars and was surely defeated, as Rantzien thrust his fist firmly into his stomach. Levian collapsed and tumbled into the stream of sewage that was steadily flowing away. Rantzien knew this enemy was not yet defeated, and to let him go now would be churlish, and so he ran alongside the stream that now engulfed Levian.
Rantzien could see no sign yet of Levian surfacing, and wondered if the unfortunate wretch may drown in sewage, a truly vile fate. However, he also observed that the flow was heading under a sluice gate, and he had no way to follow it on foot. There was nothing for it - he would have to dive into the disgusting tide of excretion and swim for it. He held his breath, thought of dear theundeadhero, and launched himself into it.
The smell was intoxicating and poor Rantzien could not even think clearly because of how overpowering the stench was. When he came to, he could see he and Levian were in a river into which the sewage was poured. The water would've been repulsive to you or I, but compared to what the two had just travelled in, it was beautiful and crystal pure. The river was flowing even faster than the sewage, and attempts to swim against it were futile. Levian had come around now too, and he kept trying to swim towards Rantzien and swing a fist or foot at him before the current dragged him away. Rantzien was trying the exact thing, knowing that he had to neutralise his foe.
Rantzien realised he could taste salt...not as bad as raw human waste, but still sickening. He then knew that he and Levian had now been swept out to sea...dolphins! Playful dolphins had come! He quickly clambered on top of one of the friendly mammals and rode it as a steed, as is the fashion in Scandinavia. Of course, his rival was a Scandinavian too, and he had the same plan as Rantzien. The two rode their dolphins side by side, guiding their mounts into the other's, desperate to unseat the riders. The two dolphins crashed into each other repeatedly, and the humans were thrown about like ragdolls, but still managed to hold firm.
"You should never have left me to die in Trondheim, Rantzien!" mewed Levian without a hint of remorse.
"I've never been to Trondheim!" sang Rantzien merrily.
The two dolphins struck again and again, and the riders also swung their fists at each other as the two great beasts of the sea collided. Suddenly, both the Cid's Knights were bucked right off their mighty steeds, and send headfirst into some sand - they had beached themselves on a tropical island!
Levian quickly scooped up a fistful of sand and slung it into Rantzien's face, much as he had with that pile of excrement. Rantzien was well prepared this time, though, and had shielded his handsome face with his dainty hand. Levian wasn't finished yet, and this time grabbed a large crab, which he also hurled at poor Rantzien. His hand could not block such a menace as an annoyed crustacean, and it nipped at his arm with its great claws. He ripped the crab from his arm, tearing out a chunk of his flesh in the process, and charged at Levian, knocking him clean over with a brutal kick that was aimed at his ribs.
Rantzien knew his bare fists would not be enough to end the life as one so strong as Levian, and his eyes rapidly scanned the surroundings for something - anything - he could use as a tool. And then he remembered - coconuts! Why, a coconut falling onto his head could kill a man! He nimbly sprang up a nearby palm tree, but Levian knew what Rantzien's aim was, and moved to intercept him. Then, of course, because this is a cartoon, the palm tree bent snapped back, launching the two like a catapult, right into the jungle!
"Look up there, Rantzien!" yelled Levian as the two regained consciousness. He was pointing to a fiery mountain. "That is where your doom will be decided!"
"No! This is where your doom will be derided!" hummed Rantzien, pointing to his fist, which he promptly inserted into Levian's eye socket.
The two grappled and brawled underneath the humid canopy of the jungle. Levian snatched a python that was slithering on a nearby branch and wrapped it around Rantzien's neck, choking him.
"YOUR....ADVENTURE...ENDS....HEAR!!!!" strained Levian, as Rantzien spluttered and gasped. He knew his time had come...or HAD it? He swung his fist upwards right into the python that Levian was using to garot him, and it exploded in a shower of snake guts and ice cream. "UNPOSSIBLE!" sobbed Levian, who took off towards the volcano.
"Come back, you ruffian!" appealed Rantzien, who chased him towards the end of all things.
"Welcome to your dying hour, Rantzien!" crooned Levian from deep within his volcano lair. Rantzien could see that Levian had captured beautiful and fair Princess Melissaur and was dangling her over the frothing lava beneath!
"What are your intentions, you jigsaw puzzle without a piece?" burbled Rantzien.
"Well, Princess Melissaur is a descendand of the Ice Queen. Dropping her into this lava will lower its temperature substantially, causing it to harden to rock. When it cools and hardens, it will naturally expand, and this expansion will cause the very volcano to shatter all around us. As we are on a small island, all of the pieces of the volcano will go directly into the sea with such a force that will cause a great Tsunami that will destroy the Earth itself!" suggested Levian, breathlessly.
"But now, experience ULTIMATE POWER!" groaned Levian and he used demonic powers to shoot fireballs and lightning at Rantzien, sending an incredible shudder all around the volcano! Rantzien knew what to do. He pulled out the gun he had kept in his pants the entire time and shot Levian and Levian died and his plans were foiled.
"Oh Rantzien, my herro!" simpered Princess Melissaur, who gave him a huge kiss!
"Yes" implied Rantzien. "Now I am tired and I will go to bed. It has been a very long day. A very long day of adventure."
---
Rantzien awoke one morning and he was in his bed. "Today is the day to do my quest" yelped Rantzien. He is Swedish and a man. He got out of bed and make a breakfast and the breakfast was for him and had many eggs in it.
---
THE END.
