Spring, 21
Part One
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Transcribed from the personal journal of Psychotic Ezummelbil, former ruler of Towntwinkles. The journal was recovered in the ruins of the fortress.
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26th Obsidian
Oh boy, diary! As the son of King Rith Italcatten, I have been appointed as overseer of our newest fortress, Towntwinkles. What an honour!
The things they say about it! They say it's hidden away in a shimmering forest. They say it's a beautiful land of peace and tranquility. Oh diary, I have even heard tell that there are beautiful stone seahorses carved into the rock there!
My merchant friends Lor, Ducim and Locum went there last year and haven't returned. The rumour is that they love it so much that they didn't want to come back to the mountainhome! Oh I can't wait! I'm setting out tomorrow and I should be there for the first day of spring.
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29th Obsidian
I think I'm going to need a fancy new title to reflect my status as ruler.
How about...?
Oh no no wait
Yeah.
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1st Granite
Well, diary, here we are. And words smurfing fail me.
Shimmering forest my ass. It's a werewolf infested hell. I was nearly killed by the foul creatures several times on the way in. And half the trees have been burned down anyway. What the hell happened here?
Here's a picture I drew of the fortress entrance itself. It's just a hole in the ground surrounded by water, a half-assed wall and a strawberry patch. This isn't a fort. It's a ditch!
Inside's not too bad, I suppose though. Here are the apartments for all the Dwarves, and the workshops.
And look, here's the dining hall! It's a bit small, but the rumours about seahorses were true.
There's also a bizzarre pit with some levers next to it. I don't know what that's all about.
I wandered down into the deeps and found some crazy project the miners were working on. I don't even want to know.
My head hurts, diary. I think I will need to drink a lot of Dwarven Rum tonight.
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2nd Granite
I was kept up all night by the screams of some mad Dwarf who goes by the name of DK. Upon further investigation it seems he is part of the military. The leader of the military, a blonde burly dwarf called ShlupQuack, is apparently some derranged psycho who goes around injuring recruits. She only has two, the other being theundeadhero, and both are in bed, injured.
This will not do. I don't care if she's some hero who killed a werewolf with her bare hands. This's too important to have some sadistic whackjob mess it up. I'll take control of the military myself.
I do a roll-call to find out who we've actually got here. There are only 22 Dwarves! There were supposed to be 40-50. And I can't find my old friends Lor, Ducim and Locum anywhere.
A Dwarf calling himself Dignified Pauper grabs me by the arm and tells me he can show me all I need to know.
This Dignified Pauper chap turns out to be the fortress's engraver. On the walls he has engraved the history. What I see shocks me. Dwarves being ripped apart by werewolves. Dwarves going completely mad and killing themselves. Apparently a lot of Dwarves were consumed in a brutal fire. And as for my friends? Oh, it gets better and smurfing better, diary. The guy in charge before I got here, Necronopticous, lured them into a trap. That pit? The crazy mothersmurfer dropped my friends into it and they got skewered on some spikes. I caught up with him and asked him why. He said they had some Anvils and he wanted them. Murdered. For anvils.
I'll get my revenge on this Necronopticous guy, mark my words. But not right now. I'm new here and he is very popular. I'll bide my time, but I will get him for this.
What the smurf is with this place? This isn't some magical getaway resort. It's an insane asylum. What the smurf did I do to deserve being shipped off here?
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7th Granite
Some crazy Dwarf by the name of Rye corners me in the booze stockpile and squeals at me.
"Mister Paaaaaaaul!"
"Oh god. What do you want?"
"Can you build a new dining hall? I'm a hungry Rye but the other one is way too small!"
"No. smurf off."
"Oh pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease! Please please please!"
"How about I build you your own personal dining hall, miles away from me...or anyone else for that matter."
"Oh thank you oh thank you!"
I am glad that she has gone. Still, despite being incredibly annoying, she does speak some sense. The dining hall we have is a bit small.
I get Loony BoB and Bunny to stop with whatever crazy project they're working on.
"But we're mining for stone! It's very important!" Loony BoB insists.
"There's smurfing stone everywhere. We don't need any more."
"But the stone!"
"Just do it. Jeez."
Reluctantly, the two agree to mine out a new space for dining. Meanwhile, I get a couple of the more useless Dwarves, Sir Lancealot and Tavrobel to smooth the stone in the new hall down.
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10th Granite
Elven traders have arrived. MILF, a young Dwarf who has taken up carpentry duties after the last ones all got eaten or burned or went insane, insists that their souls can be infused to the walls, causing life and beauty to flow through caves like this.
He's obviously crazy, right? But several other Dwarves seem to agree with him. Maybe there is some truth to it. Elven retreats do seem to have magic within them. Maybe I shall ask the Elves.
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13th Granite
Pointy-eared pricks wouldn't tell me any of their secrets. They just want to trade cloth and berries, both of which are so very, very useful.ShlupQuack demands we keep them prisoner. This isn't such a good idea, but whatever. Like I give a smurf anymore. The Elves mutter amongst themselves in their tongue as we tell them they cannot leave here. I don't trust them.
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17th Granite
Levian, a metalworker, was elected as Expedition Leader. This means he'll be my right hand man. I am not exactly thrilled with the choice. He refuses to craft any armour and just mopes about in his bedroom. Still, this new position seems to have perked him up a bit.
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23rd Granite
I can hear those bastard Elves chanting away at all hours in their strange language. MILF has proposed that we torture their secrets out of them. Ugh. This isn't going to end well.
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28th Granite
A rather thin-beared Dwarf bursts into my office.
"I am Laddy! I am the Fish Cleaner!" I stare blankly at him for a few moments. "I clean fish!" he ventures further. I was unaware we had any fish at all here in Towntwinkles, let alone any dirty ones.
Apparently he is part of a huge group of migrants that have arrived from the mountainhome, who have boosted our numbers from 22 to 41.
Here's what we got:
Bowyer x2 - Oh wow! Two guys who can make crossbows! And to think we didn't even want one.
Fish Cleaner
Fishery Worker - I may just start up a Fishery to put these two to good use.
Peasant x4 - I drafted three of them to the military, and one, Leeza, seemed to have a sterness about her so I appointed her to the position of Sherriff.
Miner - Awesome. Came with his own pick, too!
Gem Cutter
Gem Setter - Oh how very useful, considering that there are no smurfing gems at Twinkletown.
Planter x2
Weaponsmith - Excellent!
Craftsdwarf x2
Leatherworker - We don't have any leather.
Milker - Or any cows.
Glassmaker - Why?
We don't have enough beds for these new migrants either. I was not expecting so many but apparently so many Dwarves buy into the bull
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3rd Slate
After drafting a few peasants to the military, I receive word that ShlupQuack has become a champion. Great, that's all I need. An untouchable derranged psychopath wielding that sort of power.
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5th Slate
I am checking out some of the mining projects when newly appointed Sherriff, Leeza, rushes in and screams something about beating criminals.
Next thing I know, she has pulverised the) and causing permanent brain damage. What the smurf? She's only been here a couple of days and now she seems to have developed the insanity that plagues this fortress.
She insists that he has commited an act of vandalism against...one of the War Dogs? Okay she is totally smurfing insane. Great.
The war dog in question seems to have a broken paw. I can only assume Bunny is responsible for this.
Leeza then carries Bunny to his bed so he can rest, leaving his blood still splattered all over the wall. (How Leeza like is that? Beating down a criminal then going to help him!)
I shudder to think what the rest of Spring will bring, Diary.
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Goals for my year:
- Create Legendary Dining Hall
- Set up Magma smelter/Furnace maybe?
- Tombs. Lots and lots of tombs.
- New workshop areas.
- Noble Quarter
- Build a gatehouse to replace the entrance we have now.
Here's the prison for the Elves. They're below ground!
A gaggle of Dwarves (and the war dog Bunny hurt) smooth the new dining hall down. I'll get DP in to engrave it and throw up some statues soon.
Originally Posted by Christmas
