I'll do both then
Mullet:

You have the most delicious ice cream ever, but instead of a bowl you get it in a cone, and the ice cream has melted AND someone just bit off the bottom. Additionally for some strange reason someone is playing the trumpet near you, but that random person is terrible so it sounds like a duck with laryngitis.

Cactuar:
You get hit in the face with a trout, now you smell like tuna and seagulls are trying to eat your face.

I wish it to randomly rain Chocolate chip cookies on all of the forum skins for a couple days