The perfect man must make the perfect sandwich. He must be willing to get me coffee* for me when I'm sick. Must have a warped sense of humor to match mine. Must like fart jokes and must not be sensitive to small penis jokes (especially because I wouldn't make small penis jokes to people with small penises anyway!)

I have the perfect man.

* this isn't a double standard thing! I fetch things for Huxley when he's sick, like cookies! It's a mutual thing. ♥