So there I was patrolling the park, much like I usually do, in a lawn chair at the edge of a pool. I’d like to add that I was not looking at titties. I’m super serial about my job, once I don the whistle and sunscreen breasts are dead to me.

It was a day not unlike any other day, but a cold wind was blowing. So much so that I had to cover myself as the fellas could cut diamonds just about… I digress.

Suddenly I heard a scream! Quick as lightning I sprang into action. I stood up and out of my lawn chair and took the two steps needed to bring myself to the pool’s edge. I used my eagle-like vision (20/20 bitches )to scour my environment. Then I spotted her. A small girl was barrelling down the slide farthest away from me and at the bottom was none other than the Soak City Kraken, it’s maw snapping at the snack that was about to be delivered to it via waterslide! *gasp*

“Hang on little girl! Help is on the way!” I shouted, and then I looked around to see if anyone was on their way over to her. I quickly realized help was indeed not on the way and that it was up to me to stop the Kraken. Upon this realization I ripped my shirt off, exposing my muscled chest and cold-wind-sensitive nipples. Wincing at the retightening of the aforementioned ‘fellas’ I ran around the edge of the pool, knocking over a radio that happened to be on a table nearby. That’s dangerous I thought, but as it hit the ground it turned on and began playing the Bay Watch theme while I ran. That’s convenient I rethought.

I dove into the pool and went straight for the Kraken. “Not today bish!” I shouted at it (the chlorine makes my tongue swell) as my fist descended upon it’s skull.

“What the smurf man, I’m her dad!” the kraken shouted at me, rubbing the newly formed lump on it’s head. He then caught the screaming girl (which as it turns out she has a really high pitched laugh) and quickly exited the pool, tossing me a glare from his many eyes.

“Oh yeah.” I laughed, “The Soak City Kraken is off today.”

Not buying it eh? Here's what really happened.So there I am watching my water at the bottom of the speed slides at work, business as usual.

This big group comes down the slides, they all shoot out one by one since the slides have different speeds. A little girl is coming down the slide on the far left and hits the water. She flips in the water and starts freaking out (those things are pretty disorienting). So she's flailing around in the water for a second and I figure she'll just right herself, this sort of thing happens a lot.

I take a quick scan of the pool and come back to her. She hasn't gotten up yet. Just then I hear one of the kids say "...she can't swim..." My mind just lets out a loud, "smurf".

*WHISTLE*

*splash*

I get to her, grab her, on put her on my rescue tube (the floaty thing, for the slow in the audience). I get her back to the stairs and make sure she's alright. She's OK, just a little scared.

I basically saved a girl's life. What have you done lately that you're proud of?