What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?

Their names, if you know them. If not just say "excuse me"

why cant stevie wonder and ray charles read?
because they are blind


Why was the little girl screaming?
Because she was getting raped by a paedophile.

What do you get when you cross a muffin with chocolate chips?
A chocolate chip muffin.

What did the little boy with no arms or legs get for xmas?
Cancer.

Doctor, Doctor. I feel like a pair of curtains!
Thats the least of your problems. You've got AIDS.

What did batman say to robin to get him in the batmobile?
"Get in the batmobile"

Knock Knock
Come in.

Yo mama is so fat she has to wear large clothes.

What do you call, when a baby has forks in it's eyes?
911.

How many blondes does it take to screw in a light bulb?
It shouldn't take more than one person to do this task, regardless of hair color.

What's the difference between George W Bush and a doorknob?
George W Bush is the president of the United States. A doorknob is a mechanical device that securely closes a hinged door, thereby keeping your family safe from danger.

How do you get 500 midgets into a Volkswagon?
You have to manufacture a Volkswagon large enough to accomidate 500 midgets. It wouldn't be street-legal, but at least the problem of getting 500 midgets into a Volkswagon is solved.

Yo Mama's so fat, that she was instructed by the doctor to go on a low carbohydrate, high protein diet to reduce the risk of heart disease or even a heart attack later in life.

Why did the bald man cut holes in his pockets?
It wasn't on purpose. Through the course of natural friction, his keys wore through the innards of the pockets. Being bald, on top of this, is inconsequential.

Man: Doctor, I've broken my leg.
Doctor: I'm afraid it is a very bad break. You will never walk properly again.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
The police. I'm afraid there's been an accident. Your husband has been killed.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
A man walks into a pub.
He is an alcoholic whose drink problem is destroying his family.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the blonde who jumped out off a bridge?
She was clinically depressed and took her own life because of her terribly low self-esteem.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
What do you call a cat with no tail?
A Manx cat.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do undertakers wear ties?
Because their profession is very serious, and it is important that their appearance has a degree of gravitas.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How many electricians does it take to change a light bulb?
One.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do women fake orgasms?
Because they want to give men the impression that they have climaxed.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Two men are sitting in a pub.
One man turns to the other and says: 'Last night I saw lots of strange men coming in and out of your wife's house.'
The other man replies: 'Yes, she has become a prostitute to subsidise her drug habit.'
-------------------------------------------------------------------
What's worse than finding a maggot in your apple?
Being raped.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Two cows are in a field. Suddenly, from behind a bush, a rabbit leaps out and runs away. One cow looks round a bit, eats some grass and then wanders off.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why are there no aspirin in the jungle?
Because it would not be financially viable to attempt to sell pharmaceuticals in the largely unpopulated rainforest
__________________

Why was Mary upset?
She was involed in a severe car accident which resulted in the loss of both her legs and 3 fingers from her right hand. Her mum was also killed.

Why does Brian Peppers molest children?


Because he can.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the other side.

Why did the 2nd chicken cross the road?
Same reason as the first one did.

Why did the 3rd chicken cross the road?
It was following the other two.

What did the mother give her child for his christmas?
A flower on his tombstone because his cancer was in partial remission, but later came back and slowly killed him.

Why did the girlscout start crying after she spilled all her cookies?
Because her father beats her mother and calls her a whore every night in a drunken rage.

Yo Mama's so fat, that she was instructed by the doctor to go on a low carbohydrate, high protein diet to reduce the risk of heart disease or even a heart attack later in life.


Why did a doctor prescribe a low carb diet to reduce a patient's risk of heart disease?

Because he didn't look at the Mayo Clinic's results stating that trans fats or large amounts of saturated fat are what mainly cause heart disease/heart attacks due to clogged arteries.

3 guys go to hip hop club and notice they cant dance or keep with the rythm much. What race were these outsiders?

The race is really insignificant. The fact that they went to a hip hop club without being able to move with rythm was really the sad part. Not to mention the fact that they were jumped and robbed afterwards.

Q: Why did the little girl fall off the swing?
A: Because she had no arms.

------

Q: How are a plum and a rabbit alike?
A: They're both purple, except for the rabbit.

------

Q: What did Helen Keller name her dog?
A: Oggkhknmfdsnkmnfdjznfj.

------

Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
A: One holds groceries, the other molests children.

------

Q: What's the difference between a Jew and a pizza?
A: One is an edible substance and the other is a person who believes in Judaism.

------

Q: What did the robot say to the child?
A: Nothing, he malfunctioned and strangled him. Despite the authorities best efforts to free the kid, he was still strangled because robots are really strong. After killing the boy, the robot self destructed and leveled 5 city blocks everyone within the vicinity was killed.

------

Q: Why did the paramedic refuse to save the dying child?
A: Because he was off-duty!

------

Your mother is so fat that her doctor recommended that she exercise regularly and eat foods with nutritional value.

------

Johnny comes back from school crying and says, "Mommy all the kids in the school say I have a big head."

His mother replies, "No you don't Johnny. You have a hideously deformed head. The other children are merely hiding the truth to protect your feelings."

------

Q: Did you hear about the blonde who jumped out off a bridge?
A: She was clinically depressed and took her own life because of her terribly low self-esteem.

------

There's an Irishman, a homosexual, and a Jew standing at a bar. What a fine example of an integrated community.

------

Q: What's grosser than 10 dead babies in 1 trash can?
A: Having your skin peeled off slowly.

------

Q: Why did the little boy cry when he sat on Santa's lap?
A: Santa's boner reminded him of his pedophile father.

------

So a priest, R. Kelly, and Michael Jackson walk into a bar. They then proceed to molest small children.

------

A little boy is going to school when he is stopped by a stranger.

The stranger tells the little boy, when his teacher asks him why he is late, just say Willytop.

The boy looks at the stranger oddly, but proceeds to go to school.

He arrives 5 minutes late, and is teacher isn't that happy. His teacher asks him why he is late. All the boy says is Willytop. The teacher looks at him horrified, and sends him to the office.

Well, the boy arrives in the principals office, and the principal asks him why he was sent down. All the boy said was Willytop. [Yes sudden change to past tense; I didn't write this!] The Principal was so horrified that he expelled the boy from school.

Well, the boy went home to find his parents in the living room. They told the boy they knew he was expelled, but they wanted to know why. All the boy said was Willytop. The parents were so horrified by this that they kicked him out of the house.

Well, the boy is now walking to dark town streets, when he is stopped by a cop. The cop asks him why he is walking the streets alone. All the boy says is Willytop. The cop is so disgusted, that he kicks the boy out of town.

Well, the boy is now sitting in a bar, and the bartender asks him why he is alone. All the boy said was Willytop. The bartender looked at him horrified, but before the bartender could say anything, the boy says "Please sir, I was kicked out of school, my house and even my hometown because of Willytop. What does it mean sir?" The bartender nods, and tells the boy to come with him across the street, because if he tells him in the bar, the other people may get mad.

Well, the boy and the bartender are across the street from the bar. The bartender opens his mouth, but before he could speak, a drunk driver hits them both.


Anti-Joke jokes

* Ghandi Poppins

Ghandi used to walk everywhere bare-foot, so his feet became painfully rough. He also had a very simple diet, which left him thin and frail, and with bad breath. All of which made him a super-callouse

* Don't play with your food

Q: What's the difference between a zombie baby and vegetables? A: I don't eat my vegetables

* What do you call an elephant...

Q: What do you call an elephant between two buildings? A: Stuck

* Yet Another Knock Knock Joke

Knock knock You dumb ass, I�m the one standing outside Who�s there? Ah, forget it.

* Dream on

Yo mama so old, she has dreams in black and white.

* Chew on this

Yo mama is so dumb she put a quarter in a parking meter and said, "Hey where's my gumball?"

* Yo mama just gets dumber...

Yo mama so dumb, she wrote anti-anti-jokes to be extra funny and still made terrible jokes.

* A snail owned a car...

A snail owned a car and was painting a big letter 'S' on it. His friend the turtle saw him and asked why and the snail replied, "When people see me drive by they can, 'Say look at the S-car-go".

* Fish Brains

Q: What did the fish say when he swam into a cement wall? A: Dam

* Blue's Clues

Q: What did the blueberry say to the blueberry? A: You're a blueberry.


Anti-Joke jokes

* What do you call an elephant...

Q: What do you call an elephant between two buildings? A: Stuck

* With Andy Rooney

Yo mama so stupid, it took her two hours to watch '60 minutes.'

* A snail owned a car...

A snail owned a car and was painting a big letter 'S' on it. His friend the turtle saw him and asked why and the snail replied, "When people see me drive by they can, 'Say look at the S-car-go".

* This is a poor joke

Yo mama is so poor she can't even pay attention.

* That's Cheesy

Q: Why did the mouse go to the party? A: He heard they were playing Parcheesi!

* Yet Another Knock Knock Joke

Knock knock You dumb ass, I�m the one standing outside Who�s there? Ah, forget it.

* Dream on

Yo mama so old, she has dreams in black and white.

* Chew on this

Yo mama is so dumb she put a quarter in a parking meter and said, "Hey where's my gumball?"

* The corporate ladder

A blonde sat at the bar when the bartender's son swaggers in. When he tells his father of his promotion and raise, the bartender calls for everyone's attention and announces that all drinks are on the…

* Yum!

Q: What do you see when the Pillsbury Doughboy falls over? A: doughnuts


Anti-Joke jokes

* Where's Ice Cube, Eve, and Cedric?

Q: Where did the sheep get its haircut? A: The ba-ba shop

* Talking in Numbers

Q: Why is six afraid of seven? A: Because seven ate nine.

* What do you call an elephant...

Q: What do you call an elephant between two buildings? A: Stuck

* A snail owned a car...

A snail owned a car and was painting a big letter 'S' on it. His friend the turtle saw him and asked why and the snail replied, "When people see me drive by they can, 'Say look at the S-car-go".

* Yet Another Knock Knock Joke

Knock knock You dumb ass, I�m the one standing outside Who�s there? Ah, forget it.

* Yo mama just gets dumber...

Yo mama so dumb, she wrote anti-anti-jokes to be extra funny and still made terrible jokes.

* Don't play with your food

Q: What's the difference between a zombie baby and vegetables? A: I don't eat my vegetables

* Blue's Clues

Q: What did the blueberry say to the blueberry? A: You're a blueberry.

* A Perfect Circle

Q: What did the farmer use to make crop circles? A: A Protractor

* This joke is toast

Q: What does a slice of toast wear to bed? A: Jammies


Anti-Joke jokes

* Gangs of New York Part II

Yo mama so dirty when I walked in her house the rats jumped me and the ants stole my wallet.

* Chew on this

Yo mama is so dumb she put a quarter in a parking meter and said, "Hey where's my gumball?"

* Dream on

Yo mama so old, she has dreams in black and white.

* Yo mama just gets dumber...

Yo mama so dumb, she wrote anti-anti-jokes to be extra funny and still made terrible jokes.

* Blue's Clues

Q: What did the blueberry say to the blueberry? A: You're a blueberry.

* Don't play with your food

Q: What's the difference between a zombie baby and vegetables? A: I don't eat my vegetables

* The chicken was never this clever

Q: Why did the turtle cross the road? A: To get to the Shell station

* Fish Brains

Q: What did the fish say when he swam into a cement wall? A: Dam

* Chips and Dip

Q: How do you get a zombie baby into a bowl? A: A blender. Q: How do you get them out? A: Doritos.

* Hey DJ

Yo mama so dumb she dj's for the ice cream truck


Anti-Joke jokes

* A snail owned a car...

A snail owned a car and was painting a big letter 'S' on it. His friend the turtle saw him and asked why and the snail replied, "When people see me drive by they can, 'Say look at the S-car-go".

* Where's Ice Cube, Eve, and Cedric?

Q: Where did the sheep get its haircut? A: The ba-ba shop

* That's Cheesy

Q: Why did the mouse go to the party? A: He heard they were playing Parcheesi!

* Shrooming

A mushroom walks into a bar and asks for a drink, but the barkeep said, "Sorry, but we dont serve mushrooms." The mushroom replies, "Why, I'm a fun guy"

* Where did it go?

A blond was driving to the airport when she saw a sign that read, "Airport - Left," so she turned around and went back home.

* Hey DJ

Yo mama so dumb she dj's for the ice cream truck

* Actual Answers From Radio Contestants

On Irish radio there is a guy called Larry Gogan who has been running the "Just-a-Minute quiz" every lunchtime for years. These are actual answers from some contestants... 1) Something a blind man…

* What Are Metaphors?

Oh, Jason, take me!" she panted, her breasts heaving like a student on 31 pence-a-pint night. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other sides gently compressed by a Thigh Mast…

* What's blue and fluffy?

Q: What's blue and fluffy? A: Blue fluff.

* Why did the zombie baby cross the road?

Why did the zombie baby cross the road? To wreak an unholy vengeance upon the driver of the car who's standing there, scratching his head, trying to figure out how a zombie baby's head can be beneath…


Anti-Joke jokes

* Fat Chance

Yo mama's so fat...she decided to go on a diet.

* Stooooopid Mama

Yo mama is so stupid, she is dumber than me.

* A kangaroo walks into a bar. He tells the...

A kangaroo walks into a bar. He tells the bartender, "Blood is the lipstick of all wounds." The bartender does not know how he said this, or why.

* Why did the zombie baby cross the road?

Why did the zombie baby cross the road? To wreak an unholy vengeance upon the driver of the car who's standing there, scratching his head, trying to figure out how a zombie baby's head can be beneath…

* What's blue and fluffy?

Q: What's blue and fluffy? A: Blue fluff.

* A guy decides to buy a new...

A guy decides to buy a new ceiling fan, but the salesman says, "Well I'm all out of tunafish." So the guy says louder, "I want a ceiling fan." But the salesman says, "I told you, I'm all out of …

* What is funnier than a zombie baby hanging...

What is funnier than a zombie baby hanging from a ceiling fan? Hitting it with a shovel when it comes around.

* Actual Answers From Radio Contestants

On Irish radio there is a guy called Larry Gogan who has been running the "Just-a-Minute quiz" every lunchtime for years. These are actual answers from some contestants... 1) Something a blind man…

* What Are Metaphors?

Oh, Jason, take me!" she panted, her breasts heaving like a student on 31 pence-a-pint night. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other sides gently compressed by a Thigh Mast…

* Martin Scorscese is interviewing three ...

Martin Scorscese is interviewing three action heros for his new movie, they are Arnold Schwarzenneger, Bruce Willis and Sly Stallone. Pitching his movie he says, "This is gonna be an action flick with…