Females! Ever the entertainment. As we all know, Females are by definition: "a person bearing two X chromosomes in the cell nuclei and normally having a vagina, a uterus and ovaries, and developing at puberty a relatively rounded body and enlarged breasts, and retaining a beardless face; a girl or woman."
So what makes a "Best Female"? I propose that we base our judgement on the above definition and the criteria it lists. Each of these can be graded, after which we can take an average. This number will show us which Female is objectively Best; this is the one who best fits the female criteria. Now, I know, you're gonna yell about Best-ness being a subjective matter, but we'll have time for your inferior
opinions later. This is
science and it's important!
I cannot use this method here, however, for let it be known to all that none of the Females that have been contacted by Me regarding picture proof of their relatively rounded bodies and enlarged breasts have shared any such proof, and thus it may be that some or all of these are not even Female at all, much less Best. Their chromosome count and possession of each listed organ also remains unclear. If you wish to make a claim to be Female and perhaps ensure a Best title in the future, please contact me with such material.
Ahem.
There is one aspect of the definition I think is debatable. See, I think any female worth her title should be able to rock a good beard and still remain feminine. Perhaps - and this is where we get to the core of the debate - this is what really separates the wheat from the chaff when it comes to Best-ness in Females. For this reason I have resolved to put our wily Females to a test: If they each had facial hair, how would they wear it and
can they rock that?
Candidate number one:
Clo! Let us see. Clo is one sophisticated, hip woman. She hangs with the right crowd and wears the right haircut and drinks the right coffee. Her facial hair will need to match this, of course. An Anchor, I believe will do.
Secondly, we have
fire_of_avalon. I think what we need here is a beard of firey fury. Mutton chops are not enough when she makes justice happen... with her fists. What we need is a good old Hulihee!
Next up:
Fujiko! A fashion lover with more sense of style in her pinky finger than most people have in their heads. She can be trusted to match her beard with her outfit on any given day; with regrowth like that, she can change her facial hair style twice daily if need be. A chin curtain should be a favourite, though.
Jessweeee♪ has a kind attitude to the people around her and get along with most. And yet, on a few occasions (cough mafia cough), we have seen her blow up into a flaming fireball of fury. What she needs is a French Fork to symbolize this dualism.
Next we have
Rye, who despite her attempts to convince you otherwise would probably love to have a good rapist 'stache to scare children with. Considering also her shared heritage with a certain plumber, I think there's only one alternative here.
ShlupQuack may have you thinking she'd shave cute patterns into her face, but do not be fooled. She's a stay-at-home wife who goes to Disneyland several times every week. Simple but glorious, this is a recipe for The Hobo.
Our last candidate,
Shorty... well, you know where this is headed. Being our resident pro-beard lobbyist, I do not think she'd be able to show any restraint. Only the best is good enough. All out is the only way to go here.
Who will win? Who will perish? That, my friends, is up to their beards... and your votes, I guess.
Originally Posted by Award Cerberus
)
Psychotic sweeps the ciddies every time it comes around
