!@#$ my clients say

[Citizen Bleys]

I did a thread like this several years ago, when I was still working for the enemy and got a few laughs. Somebody ordered up an extra dose of crazy this week though. The following 7 things all happened Wednesday of this week:
(my comments in teal following a c++ style comment tag: //)

1. "Now everything, it just looks like a dead"
2. "It is not the wireless, I'm going to switch husbands" // This is the only coherent sentence she said in the entirety of the call
3. Heavy French accent, just spouted random numbers and then demanded that I learn to see the future in order to obtain shorter appointment windows.
4. Complained that his computer cannot detect his SSID; Problem started when he selected "Hide SSID" in the router firmware
5. "We got a she-bear on the internet, but the Roger, it is not working. The she-bear, she is from my country and she is work fine. All the wiring is install. I never trust my wife for you to touch these things." // This guy sounded exactly like Boris Badanov, spent about 6-10 minutes rambling incoherently about his she-bear from his country, and I'm pretty sure he accused me of sleeping with his wife, but one cannot be sure since he did not at any point utter a coherent sentence.
6. Client caught someone trying to splice into his cable lines, expects the telecom to post armed guards?
7. A free download on megaupload is slow! // no , sherlock


Classics from the past, some may have appeared in the previous thread:
1. Me: How long is your phone cord?
He: Since April. // This spawned a series of amusing webcomics by Lynx.
2. Me: Do you have any other phone numbers?
She: No! Try my cell.
3. "I just want check my internet is working not working can you check in my air?" // I don't think I ever did figure out what the hell this guy meant
4. "I have Windows 10!" // cue Back to the Future music
5. "I have Stalin in the window" // He should get a nice, stylish Marxintosh
6. Me: (paraphrase of "the retail guy didn't do his job")
She: But his name is Jordan! And I'm Jennifer! // Well why didn't you say so?
7. Me: Are you using a powerbar?
He: I'm using Elvis.
8. "My cell phone doesn't even work, I have to dial all of the numbers and then press send."
9. Me: "type a dot"
He: "N?"

[Shlup]

The very last one if my favorite.

[rubah]

/*css comments are better*/

you should start a tumblr with these. but that one about the husband wireless or whatever kinda makes sense, in a weird way

[Rantz]

Good stuff.

I had a client recently who demanded that I "break up all the lines" on her web page, using a number of dogs that her daughter drew. Designer's Dream.

[Jiro]

Make sure they pop too

[Shoeberto]

Good stuff.

I had a client recently who demanded that I "break up all the lines" on her web page, using a number of dogs that her daughter drew. Designer's Dream.

Oh god, I love it. Designer stories from stupid clients are the best imo.

So, here's a story from the world of software development (my comments in teal following a call center-style comment tag: GODDAMMIT)
The program I work on has an interpreter for another language that people can write custom algorithms in without having to go through the whole rigamarole of actually building a ground-up application, which is pretty darn useful for a lot of the people in my company who use it. My coworker fixed a bug in the interpreter, after realizing that it wasn't showing warnings for a lot of pretty big errors that can occur if you write buggy code for it. As programmers, we thought it was a pretty good fix, because obviously if you're writing code with bugs, it's pretty beneficial to have the system tell you when things are breaking.

After releasing the bug fix, we got a lot of complaints. Analysts in our office were saying their code had always worked perfectly fine and they didn't know why they kept seeing these errors. Keep in mind, they were getting errors for things like division by zero, which you, like, kinda can't do, and should probably make sure your code isn't doing. But, of course, (to them) their code worked fine. Our official message was that this was a positive fix, and that there were workarounds for their issues, so the fix stayed in.

To ourselves, we just got quietly frustrated, and wished like hell we could tell them to FIX THEIR OWN smurfING CODE. (GODDAMN: condescension and snark are necessary characteristics of all good software development)

[Peegee]

>Has a cheque whose account number has letters in the account # field
>advised our account # only has 7 digits

I activity try to forget my day. So I don't have a lot documented

>advised to use IE [because there is a known issue with firefox]
>not able to load IE - ended up loading firefox again
>will try again

I asked her to go to start menu, then click on intarwebs exploder

[Citizen Bleys]

One I get every day:

Me: I need you to connect your modem directly to your computer, without going through you router
Client: How do I do that?

Think there are no words? This one, I don't get every day, but way too often.

Me: Now unplug the power cord
Client: How?

Uh...grasp the cord firmly with your hand and pull?

Bear in mind these are not children, responding to everything with "why?" because they know it's infuriating. These are grown adults...responding to everything with "how?" because they know it's infuriating.

[Peegee]

@bleyblade:
release your calls more often

[Topaz Flare]

this is a prime example of why I (and probably most people) hate anything to do with or deals with client problems/customer service, ha

[Shiny]

This is exactly why I hate customer service for computer retail and interwebs. No patience for people who aren't computer savvy isn't a good thing. I'm not saying most of the people aren't stupid, alot of them are, especially the person who doesn't know how to pull a power cord apparently.

[Jessweeee♪]

I can deal with people who are technologically stupid, just not with people who are technologically impatient.

Firefox takes ten seconds to load a page because the server is crazy busy: "GODDAMN IT WHAT THE smurf IS WRONG WITH THIS titTY COMPUTER

Nobody can do anything about that! Chill!

But I've never had to do it for a living.

[Dignified Pauper]

This thread was made for me. I hate the idiots that call into tech support because their smart phones are working right.

"What are you doing when your phone gets hot?"
"Playing Angry Birds."
"That's normal, the processor in your phone is lower than the recommended specs for the game. Your phone will get sluggish when playing. Did you read the comments and info?"
"No. I just want to play Angry Birds."

Head desk.

[Topaz Flare]

This thread was made for me. I hate the idiots that call into tech support because their smart phones are working right.

"What are you doing when your phone gets hot?"
"Playing Angry Birds."
"That's normal, the processor in your phone is lower than the recommended specs for the game. Your phone will get sluggish when playing. Did you read the comments and info?"
"No. I just want to play Angry Birds."

Head desk.

But isn't your phone heating up because you're using it too much common sense?

[Citizen Bleys]

Common sense is a myth. I get angrily commanded to suspend the Second Law of Thermodynamics and the Law of Conservation of Energy every day.