Ok Ok, it'll be done by tonight :P
Ok Ok, it'll be done by tonight :P
Evidently it won't.
Evidently I spent most of my afternoon in discussions with my landlord about having that lying drugs using ass-shat from upstairs evicted.
WINTER HAS COME!
And it only took seventeen years of Summer.
Winter, 256 The fortress of Spoonproblems stands proud!
Of worries, plans and babies.
Winter 256, bloody hell it is cold here in Spoonproblems, it's gotten better though! The new tower encasing the entrance still needs it's second floor and roof completed but for now it's cutting most of the snow drifts off from building up at the bottom of the ramp. Our northern and Eastern expansions are now complete. Only the western expansion remains. Part of me really wants to do the tower to make it warmer here but we need space to expand more. Where else am I going to find room for the outside plantations, the animal pens and workshops, we need a butchers and a fishery and they are both best made outside with lots of open air to prevent miasma from building up. With that and the fact that I've been slightly uneasy since we saw the goblin snatcher off a few months ago. He'll be back I feel it and he won't be alone, seems the King was wrong when he sent these insane dwarves off here to the back end of nowhere to build a new fortress. It was not a land free of Goblins at all, still maybe here we can rebuild our strength, maybe here dwarf kind can be proud and free. I've ordered all work on reinforced walls and the tower to cease, instead my sole focus this winter is that western expansions walls it must be made complete! I also ordered the animals brought in from the autumn pasture, the small pastures provided by Psychotic initially will never do now, I've ordered their removal completely and instead given all of the northern expansion at present over to the animals. It won't do for a permanent solution but for now it'll be ok, maybe someone will make an independent expansion linked by tunnel to the fortress and protected by walls where we can go for animals and farming.
Whilst we were busily stockpiling wood and building walls or moving animals in to the fortress a suspiciously bulging Rye organised a party. Soon after enjoying Rye's hospitality, our friends from the homeland departed. I wasn't about to let Psychotic order more guineacocks for us so instead I took control of that discussion directly. Whilst I did order some new animals to help with the species we have had little to no luck with over the past two years. I mostly ordered us some metal bars, strong steel being our priority. After wishing our southern brothers a farewell as they returned to warmer climates I was left with a fortress full of dwarves who were relying on me to see them all alive through the winter.
23rd Moonstone, BLAST! Just what we need, as if Will being all melancholic and refusing food and drink isn't enough Rubah goes and gets herself taken by a Fey Mood, her ramblings mean nothing and her actions are few. I don't need a third death on my hands here, Will won't last long and Rubah is going to go the same way it seems.
9th Opal, Will finally died pretty much in the same location Melissaur died in before. I'm thinking of calling it "dead person corner" we laid him to rest in a tomb next to Melissaur, hopefully he can find peace in the next life.
25th Opal, GREAT NEWS! Rye seems my suspicions about Rye were right, she's just given birth to a healthy baby boy! Yeargdribble is constantly going on about his wife now, I'm starting to eye up Lonny BoB's pick with a malicious thought already. JerganRX is born and welcomed to the community.
26th Opal this one was a surprise, Psychotic was sure Laddy was seen eyeing up DK doing his squats but no it's true Zeldy has given birth to a baby girl! Only a day after Rye gave birth the fortress is starting to feel like a real community, I will have to get a teacher soon at this rate. She's called her daughter Citizen Bleys, and I hope Citizen Bleys grows up to be a very productive and happy person.
27th Opal, no sooner had it been built Rubah commandeered the new Jewelers workshop opposite the glass works. I've seen this before with Will but I have some hope that she will survive this!
3rd of Obsidian, Ok so seems that was quick, Rubah managed to find everything she needed right away and so we now have our first survivor of a mood! AwesomeThis bears partying about. Rubah made a perfect gem and thus became a gem setter too so she's now officially made it on the Spoonproblems list of useful dwarves.
13th Obsidian, Devilman has finally grown up enough that he can start doing some work, I am considering where he will be suited best I am thinking he might become a wood burner to feed our kilns and forges.
And so we come towards the end of my year in control, here's some improvements I made aside from the cistern (complete with water management and a well), the expansions to the territories, the forges and production chambers, the tower over the entrance and all the other things:
First up I expanded on agriculture, the reason was simple we need more food for more dwarves and the farms weren't keeping up (not to mention our brewers were brewing way too much I've temporarily suspended the stills production, don't forget to keep an eye on the drinks available via the status screen and re-enable the stills after it drops below 300)
Now what I'd suggest here for the next person in charge is build some Nest Boxes and place them along that top wall and also in the pastures, that way our huge supply of birds can provide us with eggs giving us another food supply.
Second up, with our massive expansion to agriculture we needed better facilities to deal with the food production, hence I moved the two stills (actually they're still there but set for removal) and built 2 kitchens and 2 farmers workshops, the butchers shop and the fisheries ideally need to be outside to prevent miasma.
As you can also see in there I've added some new food stockpiles, these are segregated by type, I think they may be big enough (except there might be drinks overflow) for now, obviously we need more but for now, this should help Psychotic manage our inventory perfectly.
Thirdly, as mentioned earlier, I built a couple more workshops over by the glass works, these are a jewelers and also the initial layout for a loom but it's not finished at this time.
This should hopefully help see the new leader through for a while.
AMBUSH!
Ok so guess my turn wasn't quite over, we got an Ambush, 6 Goblins total, 5 archers and a lasher. Thankfully my earlier paranoia meant that most of the fortress was secure and most of the dwarves too. In fact the only dwarf outside was....
Yeargdribble!
Will anyone save JerganRX's Dad? I ordered DK to the main gate, hopefully if Yeargy ran fast enough he'd make it but he's a portly dwarf and well....maybe telling the goblins about his wife wasn't such a good thing, they kinda shot him full of arrows and then stood around teabagging the corpse. It wasn't as amusing as it sounds, one of those goblins had no pants on and her leathery beef curtains was touching him. I for one am not burying that body. Thankfully someone yanked the lever in the hall and the drawbridge sealed shut.
So we're sealed in with 6 goblins running around outside, I just hope Lonny BoB isn't stupid enough to open the damn gates, our military might is currently very understrength and not even fully armoured (we need to work on this, production is there just needs orders) Yeargdribble is dead and everyone else is safe. Apart from Rye who for some reason has a smashed open and broken first finger on her right hand. I spoke to Dr Quin and I have been informed that the diagnosis was too much masturbation but then Dr Quin is a medicine idiot.
And so without further ado:
Fortress update:
I think that was probably a more productive outcome for our second season. I'm glad I'm creating so many wonderful masterpieces!
Ah, bollocks. The middle of a warzone. Just what I needed! =|
I have no idea how I'm going to sort this one out, but I'm sure I'll come up with something. Probably involving waiting for a caravan to arrive, watching the caravan's warriors beat up goblins and potentially getting beaten up by goblins.
PS. If you listened to me about cage traps, this wouldn't be nearly as problematic...
EDIT: I plan on doing my turn this weekend.
Bow before the mighty Javoo!
The fortress can definitely survive this ambush by waiting it out, I made sure of that, you've plenty of food growing sources and preparation areas. The military isn't tough enough at the moment, it's the one thing I didn't get a chance to do properly.
Traps are a development the fortress needs, just don't bother building cages, from the animals we brought we have tons.
You can change my name back later, I don't really mind. But for me, it's obvious. :)
Lonny Bob has evolved into Loony BoB!
This is almost exactly how my train of thought went when opening up the game. I have yet to actively play more than a second because the planning of the fort seems rather... unplanned.So apparently I'm the new director in this movie. smurf me, why? This is stupid. Fine. Whatever. I'll do it. Why? Because the people who have done it before me were bleeding useless. So... okay. Right. Where am I again? God dammit. Where is everything? Why are all these rocks on the ground? Okay, okay. That's probably my doing. But why has nobody moved them? I need to find out how many people are idle. Who's the boss? He'll know. Oh, wait.
Okay, I know where I am. I'm in the 0 star hotel that Psy built. This places is so bloody rubbish. Mental note: Improve bedrooms. "But there will be lots of dwarves, we'll need lots of rooms, we can't spend all our time mining them out and setting them up!" cries some bastard with a massive awesome room. Okay. Maybe there will be a lot of dwarves. Maybe they will come. Or maybe they'll hear about the 0 star hotel you have and how tiny the rooms are and maybe they'd rather DIE.
Let's see. The hotel floor connects to a hallway that leads to the dining room. Okay. And that must be the barracks to the East, along with the bastard's bedroom. South towards the smelters and metalsmith forge. Okay. North towards stairs. That lead to a rubbish cemetary. What else... dining room has levers. South of Dining Room leads to some bedrooms which are superior in every way to the hotel but seem to be set up for a hospital. Oh, it's a hospital. Right. North of the dining room is a grave for the bastard.
Who the hell designed this place? Don't answer that. We all know.
Going all the way back towards the cemetary, it seems above that is a storage room and some workshops for clothing, glass and bling. Right. Above the hospital is the food storage and the chief medical officer's office/dining room. Okay. Two stills in the food storage area. Both slated for removal. Why? I'm not sure. Ohhhh, that's why. Someone's set up an improved kitchen/farmershop/still area to the right. Nice.
Next level up, farms. And a kiln and an almost-kiln. Next level up, cistern to the east. Next level up, sunlight. Pasture. Carpenter's workshops!? In the rain!? Oh man. Mason's workshops, too. And goblins. Let's forget about them for a moment. Or not. What's our military like? Six guys, not including the best swordsman we have in our group, Bolivar. He's too busy "making clothes" (ie, being assigned to make clothes but not really making clothes).
Here's what I'm going to try to do.
Operation: PANIC ROOM
Set up a room where all civilians will run to when an enemy is sighted. Actually, I've already set up this room, and it's the dining room. Eventually I'll look into a more effective room that is a bit more 'purpose built'.
Operation: Dwarves Hate Working In the Sun And/Or Rain
Move the workshops and storage underground to avoid sun, rain and enemies.
Operatoin: Dwarves Should Learn to Like the Sun Anyway
As much as I hate the sun, I can understand that regular access to it can help, so the target is to set up a statue garden which is COMPLETELY walled off, no doors, nothing. Just a stairway to sweet, sweet underground. That way we hopefully won't have problems with dwarves getting molesight.
Operation: I Hate Goblins, But I Hate Death Even More
Capture or kill all goblins without suffering any damage.
Operation: Cage Traps, Cage Traps, Cage Traps and also Cage Traps
Set up improved defence systems.
Operation: The Great Indoors
Find a cavern. Cut off all access to cavern completely. Watch trees grow underground so we don't have to go above ground to cut down trees anymore, either.
Operation: Operation
Tables directly next to the beds in the hospital.
Operation: Catsplosion
We need to explode cats. I can only assume that this is what Catsplosion means. Catsplosion will lead to an excellent way to eventually explore a cavern without the loss of life... dwarf life, anyway.
Operation: Stones are Only Useful In Certain Places
Time to move the stone to certain places where it will be useful. I just checked: 16 idlers at present. That is more than enough.
Operation: Soldier On
Analyse the military schedules, equipment, training etc. and react accordingly.
Operation: Make Use
Look into a more effective job setup. Key point: More miners needed for all this work. There are only two at present.
There are also considerations for a complete overhaul of the layout in some areas so that dwarves don't have to spent their time walking around so much. But that would take some time and I'm not sure I could manage it in just one year.
EDIT: By the way, our soldiers have never trained. The schedule for our only squad is set so that they wait for 10 soldiers to be present in the barracks before they begin training. We have six soldiers...
Bow before the mighty Javoo!
Spoonproblems: Helm's Deep edition
I decided my first priority was the goblins. But that would require a few things to be sorted out. So I decided my first priority was the military. And the panic room. I ordered a team meeting and explained that from now on, the dining room would be the room where you go when there are 'problems'. At which point it would become the panic room. Everyone seemed to get the idea, which was good. I then notified the military that they should probably train, and they advised me they didn't have ten members yet. Under the advice of DK, I enlisted the only remaining expendable people who had any kind of military training whatsoever. Azar, who was good with an axe, was first in. After that, Devore and Miss_Lulu were all we could think of. I'd already enlisted Bolivar, he was pretty damned good with a sword. So that made ten. I told them to train with a minimum of six people. They'd have to sleep in their own rooms for now, but eventually the barracks would contain beds. I made a quick note to knock a bloody big hole into the wall of the barracks to ensure this went ahead.
Those goblins were still hanging around, so I devised a plan. Our military simply were underequipped and would not handle a direct assault against the goblin's bowmen without taking casualties, so we decided to outwit the enemy instead. We dug a tunnel to just outside the wall, and filled it with cage traps - six deep, considering there were six goblins. Two wide, just in case... as my Dad always told me when I was a kid, where there are goblins, there are probably more goblins. I stationed DK and his crew immediately outside, and the trap was set. Now all we needed was someone to dig up to the ground, showing the goblins a nice convenient way into our fort... naturally, nobody volunteered. I'd have to do this one myself. I carefully chipped away until I saw the hiddeous light. As soon as that happened, I blasted my pickaxe through the ground and ran for my smurfing life. I knew they wouldn't be far behind. They weren't.
I had barely run past DK when the goblins thrust through the underground doors and then the sweet sound of success hit my ears. The sound of a cage trap. And another, and another, and three more.
Flawless victory.
We've left them in their cages for now until we someday get some kind of arena set up for them to fight bears or something. I dunno. Chuffed with my first plan working exactly as intended, I headed back to the dining room and told everyone it was safe, and that they could carry on as they did before. Devil Man looked at me oddly, quickly pulled the lever and then took off past me like lightning had struck him. He's in a strange mood, I thought to myself. ...Oh, no...
Maybe he'll be okay. He ran off and got this and that and...
Yeah, good luck with that one, buddy. Better hope the next caravan has something like that, because our stocks sure as hell don't. I'm really hoping we have a nice, safe cavern eventually because otherwise any further silk demands will be met purely by trade, and I do hate relying on others... especially with that weird Psychotic in charge of goods.
"Hello?" I turned around. "Are you... Lonny Bob?" Some weird guy and 19 of his friends were looking at me as if I was their long lost grandaddy or something.
"It's Loony BoB. Who the hell are you?"
"Well, you see, I'm the leader of this here bunch - my name is Unbreakable Will."
"No, I'm pretty sure Unbreakable Will is dead. He got into this weird mood and..."
"-- No, I really am Unbreakable Will. You're referring to Breakable Will, my brother, who often calls himself Unbreakable Will because he wishes he had an unbreakable will. Wait, he's dead? Ah, bugger, the guy owed me an artifact."
"Huh. He died after his will broke because he was trying to make one. Go figure."
"Yes, uh, anyway. Any chance of us moving in? Thanks!"
With that, Unbreakable Will headed past and I was left with 19 doe-eyed dwarfs one by one introducing themselves.
My lengthy way of explaining the roles of our newest dwarvesIt turns out Unbreakable Will is a bit of a novice leader - and sadly, that's about all he is. Really, he's not even skilled in mining. And everyone can mine, right!? Wrong. No miners. I hate this place sometimes. Well, if I can't get a miner given to me, I'll make one. Shiny's my new recruit. She usually deals with gemsetting but sod that, she's a miner now. We still needed another brewer to work the stills recently, too, so when I spoke to a guy standing still at the back named kelseystill I found out that he works a still. I told him to go to a still, but he's still there. But still, at least that's another still worker. A guy instroduced himself as TrollHunter but he's not a Hunter, so I just enlisted him into the army instead. He can hunt goblins. TrollHunter will use an axe, while Del Murder will use a war hammer. That means Lulu and Devore don't need to worry anymore about their lack of skills with a weapon. Excellent.
Next up was Unne, who it turns out is a high master diagnostician. We have a competent diagnostician in Quin, but he's an idiot, so Dr Unne is now chief medical officer, allowing Quin to do focus more on developing his surgery, setting and suturing - three things Unne isn't so hot at. The guy dresses wounds like a pro, though. Kentarou is his protege, but only in the diagnostics area. Our hospital now has two full time staff and Kentarou says he likes to do something called 'pressing' in his spare time. Pressing? Pressing what? We don't even have buttons.
The guy who followed the medicine fellas was called Peegee. He liked to do things with bees, and I didn't want to know any more. I put him on engraving duty. The guy weirds me out. His friend, Baloki, also liked creatures - he insisted he train our animals. I thought we could do with an animal trainer that wasn't hero, who had his hands full with other things. Baloki had this massive gleam in his eye when I said he can work with the cats and dogs. It creeped me out to no end. I'm not sure I made the right decision. NeoCracker agreed, he said he'd have been better, but when I put a dog in front of him he insisted that he could only work with cats so I told him he can have odd jobs in the kitchen, gemsetting shop and the soapmaking workshop which doesn't exist.
The next chap, Rocket Edge, was a sure winner. The guy is a stonecrafter and a furnace operater, two things we can always do with. He was followed by Yeargdribble II, who reminded me of someone I once knew. I seemed to remember some guy staggering around outside, so naturally I sent Yeargdribble II out to gather plants. He said he thinks he saw the guy who I was referring to, and I tell ya, ever since he seems to gather those plants like he'll be dead tomorrow. Odd fella, but I'm not complaining about his efficiency.
Who else was there? Samuraid, a mechanic who could craft rocks. JKTrix, who liked to report the news of his masonry work by doing a spot of engraving in his spare time. o_O, who carried a sack of seeds and went straight to the farms. A spinning girl named Christmas, a guy named Rostum who did nothing important (he's a miner now!), and a brilliant chap named BG-57, who had some proper good skill with stonecrafting, is now easily our most skilled weaponsmith and isn't bad in a kitchen, either. Not as good as Miriel, though, who adores her food. And Melissaur II, who gets a freaky thrill out of setting fire to things, so off to the wood furnace with her.
With all that out of the way, it's been, what, a day or two? Bloody hell. I'm in for a tricky job, I reckon.
Remember Devil Man?
He's basically already dead.
Oh, bollocks.
Okay, goblins. Again. Seriously, it's not even a new freakin' season yet.This is not good, they've been spotted on our doorstep. I scream an order downstairs and look horrified as Laddy runs straight across the bridge - as it drops. He falls. It's quite the fall. But he's alive! I rush down and smash through the lower wall, grab him, rush back in and order a wall built to fill in the gap. I leave Laddy to the docs, run upstairs to see what the goblins are doing. They're...
Oh, bollocks.
That X? That's theundeadhero. Perhaps not undead for very long. I order the lever pulled again, the military are up now. I quickly dismiss TrollHunter and Del Murder as they don't have enough equipment to handle a battle just yet (not sure if the others really do either, but we have to try!).
By the time the drawbridge is down, he's already dead. I hate goblin crossbowmen. The lever is pulled again. We'll have to do the same thing as last time. =| Mental note: Put traps outside until we have full iron armor and weaponary on every soldier. And a set of marksdwarves.
So, how do we -
- and he's inside the fortress walls.
Oh, come on. Really? REALLY!?
The bastard is seen by the military. Four of our soldiers for some reason are unable to follow the order to kill the Goblin Thief. DK, ShlupQuack and AngelWings8 rampage him, but he's slick. Is this world on hard mode? Seriously, in my previous fortress, I remember goblin thieves being a piece of cake for a single novice wrestler. DK has motor nerve damage and has lost his ability to grasp a little. Shlup? She can no longer stand. smurf this fortress, man. Did we build right next to the goblin city without knowing it? The sooner we no longer need the surface, the better. And yes, it really has only been a month or so. =|
So, those crossbow gob--
(SPOILER)
...
Bow before the mighty Javoo!
Jesus Christ that was extensive. After a quick skim read I've ascertained that we're probably smurfed. I'll do a reread now.
Hurrah! Spoonproblems is back!
Boo! Spoonproblems is smurfed!
...or maybe that's a hurrah too.
Also, I think the bedrooms look stylish.
Jesus christ, even in the land of Dwarves we can't escape the hideous clutches of Arsene Wenger. Protect the children indeed.
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