Jiro does FFI

[demondude]

wtf this is awesome.

[I Don't Need A Name]

Oh god... This is gonna be eventful xD

[Jiro]

Like all true artists, my update frequency will be whenever I can be sober enough to log in and not be distracted by porn.

ie that was your first and last post

EDIT: Also thank you to our lovely contributors so far, I appreciate your input. Apologies to those whose suggestions missed out, but please don't be disheartened. Also smurf you Jessweeee♪ there is no music note in the game so you and qwerty had a child who was an idiot thief, the most useless class imo.

[qwertysaur]

I keep reading qwert~ as qwerteeeeeeeee♪.

Go buy some weapons, armor and the spells Fire for Jorge and Cure for Laddy.

[Jessweeee♪]

xD

[Rantz]

Off to a great start.

[nik0tine]

I hope you realize what it is that you must live up to.

Edit: All of the pictures are apparently missing. This is an unacceptable tragedy.

[Jiro]

Ah! The Power of Cheese is of course the most fantastic of all things ever made by anyone from this site or not. I will strive to match it but I don't think I will even come close. However, that's no reason we can't have a damn good time.

Apologies if you thought this was an update, but not yet I will do a fair bit more over the weekend, so look forward to it!

[Martyr]

Ah, The Power of Cheese also had a lot more bad translation and developmental weaknesses in storyline. It was fun to mock because everybody felt the same way. The writer (was it necro?) simply (i'm sure it wasn't "simple") put into words the atrocious humor that ravaged the game.

FF1 is different. Certainly no great game in terms of dialogue and plot; however, that's more because of missing information than because of bad writing and trite development.
I would treat this assignment as a chance to engage in humor yes, but also an opportunity to creatively design the plot within it's vast, acceptable boundaries. Final Fantasy is about as open for your imagination as you will ever find in a constructed world. It doesn't have to be stupid to be funny, and with only cynical assault on it's weaknesses, I think you will run out of steam fairly quickly.

In short, I believe this can be a much greater imaginative project than Cheese.
I am excited to see what all comes of it.

[Jiro]

So when we left our party they had just won their first ever battle! Somehow, don't ask me how, because I don't know how a group of idiots survived that onslaught. They decided to, under the great guidance of Jorge, to go into town.

We were only in town for a second and already we're
being hustled. I preferred the goblins, honestly.

The guy wouldn't let us leave, and then he whacked us on the head. When we woke up, we were in an expensive looking room which presumably belonged to the leader of this crime syndicate, The King. he sure liked to roleplay too, he had a crown and everything.

From the way he was talking about prophecies and tit,
I could tell he wasn't after our cash, he was after crystal meth.

So far our journey had been pretty crap. We were being held captive by a gangster who was trippin' balls, we didn't have our spellbooks, we were dirt poor and nobody had even seen a goddamn supermarket to buy our bread and milk.

The King even named his next in command Chancellor.
What the hell.

Shut your damn whore mouth, Chancellor Idiotface. Of course we are the damn Warriors of Light foretold by Lucas's prophecy.

It was Lukahn.

Same guy, different name, whatever. My point still stands!

Besides, John, we're not actually the Warriors of Light.

MY NAME IS JORGE YOU INSUFFERABLE smurfWIT. And for crying out loud, just try to grow a braincell for one stinking minute and listen. This crazy mothersmurfer might let us go if we're these Warriors of Sunshine or whatever the smurf it is. So please, unless you think you can fight your way out of something a little harder than a wet paper bag, shut up and let me do the talking.

He's soooo confident and controlling, I love a man in charge. Me-oow~ I think we should listen to Jorgey Porgey!

Thankfully, before the idiots could say
anything else, The King spoke again.

No such thing as coincidences, am I right or am I right?

You're left handed.

And I have a question: How much?

Of course, King dude. Whatever you want is our command. That's what I'm meant to say, isn't it Frank?

It's Jorge, Jorge, JORGE. What is wrong with you?

I have trouble remembering the names of idiots.

*snip*

Jorge, come on man, settle down. Let's listen to what The King wants us to do, alright?

Fine.

Phrasing a question negatively is a stupid thing to do.
No matter what you answer, you always have to clarify
because the question itself is smurfing stupid.
Plus this.

Is she hot?

Will she have pillow fights with me?

Yeah, will she have pillow fights with me?

So one of his gangsters ran off with his daughter. I've got this
funny feeling it's less abduction and more eloping.


I'd become a criminal too if my parents named me
"The King of Cornelia". Way to put high expectations on a kid.


Why do you have a shrine dedicated to chaos?
I mean seriously guys, come on.
Town Building 101 — Don’t set up
shop near a chaos shrine.

Hang on, if you know where they are, why don't you go and rescue her yourself? Your gangster did a pretty good number on us earlier, send him.

But it's time for us to be heroes, you know~ We have to save the day and bring the princess home safe and snug!

I'm not even going to tell you what's wrong with this plan.

So let me get this straight. Your best fighter in the whole of your gang has buggered off to bugger your daughter, and none of your other gangsters could save her. So you want us, a bunch of weirdos you just met, to go and fight this guy? Look I know we're awesome, but we're fighting with sticks.

I have a hammer, weee~

For once, I have to agree with you Wilson. This doesn't seem like a very logical decision. How did we even get here again?

They hit you on the head with a rock and put a bag over your face. I tried to run away but I ran into an open door and then I woke up here.

Really. Because, well, you know, we haven't actually spoken to anyone else since we got here.

And Warren doesn't even know where we're going in the first place.

I just wanted some iced tea.

And marshmallows!

Yeah, leaving the only passage into the outside world destroyed for years seems like a sensible choice to me.

Maybe they like being alone?

Don't you go emo on me, don't you do it!

One day I’m going to be a politician.
Whenever something is broken, I will demand
my people do something and in return
I will actually provide the service I am meant to.


Wait, did we even agree to this?

So we've been tasked with rescuing some chick from a really ominous sounding place from a dude who probably just wants to be loved. Us, a band of idiots, myself excluded because I'm not an idiot. But seriously, how can this get any worse...?

-----

More ominous words from our disembodied party narrator! This disembodied narrator feels that the other one should keep his mouth shut or risk bringing his friends to ruin! Next update, the apparent Warriors of Light venture forth...into Cornelia town!

[qwertysaur]

Have the hero's considered the thought that Matoya was using her brooms to keep the bridge destroyed, isolating the drug cartel of Corneria from the rest of the world?

[Jiro]

I don't think our heroes are really sure what to think yet. I'm sure once they gather some intel, things will become clearer. Also don't forget to check out the video I link in the caption under where drug kingpin King asks the heroes to save his daughter. If you imagine Sarah is actually male, it's quite fitting.

[qwertysaur]

Well from the looks of it Jorge is thinking about killing everything in his path, qwert~ is thinking about doorknobs and waffles, Laddy is thinking about finding a new robe to wear with Labor day a few days away, and DD is thinking of how to annoy Jorge.

[Jiro]

Taking bets on what DD will call Jorge next too

[qwertysaur]

Jamal
Jerome
Jordan
Ashley
"Watch out that goblin is about to bite you in the face!"