Jiro does FFI

[qwertysaur]

You did it qwert~, we are so proud of you!

[Jessweeee♪]

[Pike]

You know I always thought they must have some serious overpopulation problems in that game if you can just rez anyone who dies for 40 gil

"Ugh, Grandpa had the heart attack and keeled over again. Quick, let's go outside and find a couple of monsters."

[Martyr]

There's no way they'll make it without Jorge in the lead.

[Jiro]

With Qwert~ in charge, there was a change of pace for our heroes. Qwert~ didn't want to be throwing away his precious gold to revive Jorge all the time, so he created an intensive fitness program called "beating the tit out of monsters".

You are not going to bed until you've all reached level 5!

You're a cruel and twisted man you know.

Shut it you wimp. You want to be a leader, then show some determination! FIGHT FIGHT WITH ALL YOUR MIGHT. Garland is not going to simply keel over and die when he sees your face, so you need to be stronger!

And true to his word, once they hit level five, the party returned to Cornelia to rest up for the big day. There was no rest day, to give the party's muscles time to recover from their training regime. No, he didn't want to be late.

Going to sleep is almost as expensive as coming back from the dead!

Qwert~ was running a tight ship, with a lot of rules and regulations. He was a particular fan of formations.

Light Warriors, prepare for sleep!
(They also did a celebratory cheer when they woke up.)

And now, with our party feeling refreshed and eager to face the challenges of the day ahead of them, it was off and onwards to the Chaos Shrine at long last.

This is the most ominous building
I have ever seen.


It's falling apart on the inside too.
Great.

Hold on one gosh darn minute guys.

Do we have to stand in the idling formation or loitering formation?

No it'll be the important mission update formation.

Ahh, good point Janus.

Can you smell that?

Has a bat defecated on you?

No! I smell...TREASURE!

(Qwert~ gained the Treasure Sense skill!)

To the left, follow me!

Just don't forget to equip it like I did.

Now to the north!

Now we can play spin the bottle in our tent!

To the right, which can only be east if north was up!

That was an unnecessary clarification.

Did you say something DD?

I said "yay treasure".

Both the top-right and bottom-right doors are locked by the stupid Mystic Key.

Then it was time for the ultimate showdown.

After we fought our way through all these damn monsters.

Jorge got revenge on the skeletons.


King should be worried about a zombie outbreak
so close to his place.


Ghouls are basically super-zombies.
Fire still burns them!


I regret killing those wolves earlier...

After all these battles, we actually made it to level 6 too, so we were feeling super prepared to take on the definitely evil but maybe just misunderstood Garland.

In the centre of the building, in probably the most ominous room in the most ominous building I have ever seen, Garland awaited us. Well, he was really just kind of dicking around and we were a complete and utter surprise.

Is being a drug king pin really that cool? Also, note to self, don't discuss plan out loud to myself.

Yeah hi. We're the Light Warriors, and we're he--

TO MURDER YOU FOR BEING A RUBBISH HAIRDRESSER. YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND HAIR DO YOU? I BET YOU'RE BALD UNDER THAT STUPID PURPLE HELMET. THE TIME FOR DISCUSSION IS OVER, IT'S NOW HAMMER TIME.

I SAID STOP AND HAMMER TIME.


CUE BATTLE THEME!

So yeah, some tit happened then. It was a pretty easy battle, considering our fighting prowess and Laddy's rage. I swear he damn near cut off Garland's head with a hammer.

How we started the fight and || How we ended the fight (with Garland disintegrating!)

The battle was won, we celebrated a bit lot and then we perched creepily over this unconscious and probably sexually attractive female.

I hope the bats haven't defecated on her.

----

What will happen to Princess Sarah, the young defenceless girl collapsed on the floor? Will our party members be able to fight off the hordes of bats to protect her, or will they become the bats themselves? (Hint: Neither.) Tune in next time for Episode Six; I'm on a Bridge Mothersmurfer!

[Yar]

You're playing this game really slowly!

[Jiro]

When we last saw our brave Light Warriors, they were perched creepily above the unconscious and vulnerable Princess Sarah.

Like this.

Fortunately the most lecherous of our companions was Laddy, and he wasn't really interested in her for some reason. Anyway, the sound of the thousands of nearby bats just kind of flapping about woke Sarah up and, for some reason, she didn't flip her tit.

On what evidence is she basing her claim that we're here to rescue her?
I cannot possibly see how she was kidnapped.


And this is why good kidnappers have accomplices. "Oh, you beat up that guy? Here have the keys to my house!"

And thus we teleported from the rubbish Chaos Shrine back to King's crib. Thank smurf we're out of that crappy temple. Now let's never go there again. EVER.

I see where she gets it from now. We just beat up a guy who was barely stronger than a
couple zombies wandering around outside his front door. How does this make us heroes?


Oh god, here we go.



That's a bit depressing really.

Let me get this straight. The prophesy doesn't foretell our coming, it's just that if we're not the Warriors of Light, then the whole world is gonna need a torch?

That's not quite it. The Crystals control the elements of our world, and maintain a balance. If they are thrown out, then all hell will break lose. Quite literally, according to some legends.

I reckon we could fight some demons. Did you see the way I handled those goblins?

How about the way those skeletons handled your ass, Liam?

Uhh yeah well YOUR FACE IS A SKELETON!

OH GOD NOT MY BEAUTIFUL FACE!

NOT HIS BEAUTIFUL FACE!

*sigh* So King, you were saying?

But there's no bridge.


BUT THERE'S NO BRIDGE!


Oh good, he understands. Mind you, I'd prefer
something a little more valuable than a bridge.
How about some cash money, big daddy?


I, too, hope we succeed in not becoming dead.

Qwert~ used his Treasure Sense and it resonated with Sarah. That, or he thinks she's cute and wanted to get to know her better. Either way, he started chatting her up with her.

I want to know how she thinks this instrument will help us in our battle to save the world.
Laddy will probably just use it to become Laddy Lute and lure young boys away or something.

It was time to go and so Jorge and DD dragged Qwert~ out of the main chamber. Qwert~ wiped away a single tear and steeled himself to return to his beloved when the world was saved.

I did not!

Hey man, I'd take that one. You sound really badass and brave.

I, well, sure, okay. That's what I did then. She is cute but.

Before we left on our Crystal Quest of Convenience, Qwert~ had one last chat to Awesome-Hair-Guy (who we learned was named Andy).

It can shatter the gateway of evil. Smurf yeah, what an instrument!

And you guys thought the lute wasn't good loot.

Forget I said anything. Let's go shatter some freaking evil.

I got dibs on it first. I want to try and play Toxicity by System.

So long Andy of the awesome hair

When we left the castle, some awesome upbeat music started playing and then we all had sort of an out-of-body experience.

Click Me!

It was particularly strange because we all dreamed that DD was the party leader and he was some kind of buff macho man. This is of course absurd because he has to use big swords to fight, his fists would break if he tried to hit anything.

After that though, we woke up on the bridge. I have to say, I never thought I'd see the day.

I wish T-Pain were here to see this.

----
How did our heroes get suckered into a world saving mission? Are they cut out to be Warriors of Light? Will they get paid for this? These and many more questions will be asked in the next episode; Witches and Pirates!

[I Don't Need A Name]

Well at least my awesome hair prevailed, and I taught Laddy how to shatter the [strike]backdoor[/strike] gateway of evil!

[qwertysaur]

And the light warriors never looked back as the kingdom of Cornelia went into an age of ruin as the king spent all of their resources to drill for mana...

Good Job qwert~! Your treasure sense will lead to you victory! and if it leads you to monsters you can use DD as a meat shield!

[Jiro]

We stood on that bridge for what seemed like an eternity. Obviously it wasn't; the world hadn't gone into meltdown yet, so our mission was still on schedule. Why're we doing this again?

We're the only ones who can! Plus, Princess Sarah might like me a bit more if we save the world

It's just something to do.

There might be more evil hairdressers out there. I have to put a stop to their reign of terror! I also must find one of these crystals to bring back to Andy

I like my steak medium rare. If the world goes to hell, there'll only be crispy steaks. Hell no. Hey that was a pun!

Anyway, it was time for us to wander onwards. We weren't really sure where we were going, but I remember that one guy talking about pirates. Everybody loves pirates, so we were heading onwards to Pravoka!

Where is that, again?

East. Ish. We'll figure it out as we go along.

Right.

We had to fight some battles along the way, big surprise. We were on a high after our defeat of Garland, but things were certainly a bit tougher on this side of the bridge.

That ogre's club was as thick as my whole body...or DD's skull. Hey! |
| The wolves and goblins were teaming up against us now!

Eventually we made it....somewhere.

Sounds legit.

Uh, hello? Anyone home?

Does anyone hear...sweeping?

There are spiders in caves. Can we leave now?

Can't say I like the decor. Purple is in this season though!

Huh, guess nobody's home. Treasure time!

Oh tit, we're spotted!


Disregard that, all systems green.

Poor woman can't see a thing! No wonder her decor is so bad!

Crystal eye? Sounds like treasure. I wonder where we can find it!

You lost me at crystal.

I mean what's with this rug, it's like ten metres across! Buy some carpet!

If she's just lost it, it must be around here somewhere!

Oh.

Well I guess we're not finding any treasure here. We'll come back later and see if she has anything to borrow.

yer certainly a lot better at being a thief these days.

Yeah, like you've got less...morals or something.

Huh. I don't know, but I've had this insatiable itch ever since we opened those treasure boxes a while back.

Oh god he's a klepto. Just don't steal my robe, okay? Just leave the robe alone.

Whatever, let's just leave.

That damned swishing again!

Ambushed by magical talking brooms. Not how I imagined the end.

They seem to be speaking in some sort of code...

I speak the language of cleaning, I know the answer!

Yeah okay just be quiet a minute and let me figure this out. There's some scrap paper in my back pocket...

Wouldja look at that. A damn map!

He said B Button Select. It's how you find the map.

Hey yeah, that's written on his back pocket!

Don't be stu-- so it is! Well isn't that a good bit of luck?

But I figured it out

Now that I've found the map, we can go to Pravoka!

Of course, there were more battles along the way.

Giant worms and crazy horses, just what I needed!

But a few fights and a level later, the Level 7 Light Warriors entered the besieged town of Pravoka.


THANK GOD, CIVILISATION


Doesn't seem to be a whole lot going on at the moment.


If the guy with the green death hawk is freaking out
we better be prepared for a fight.

Good point, narrator. I'm glad we talked to Mr. NCG Greenhawk. Let's rest up at the inn!

Time is of the essence? Nonsense! Sleep on it

Much better. Now let's make sure we're properly outfitted!

WHOO SHOPPING TRIP!

Ewww, that Iron Armour makes you look fat.
And metal.

Laddy was still sulking about the map incident when we went to the White Magic store, so we didn't buy any new spellbooks for him.

I was not sulking.

Well, I guess he just didn't like the spells then.

Exactly.

Jorge, on the other hand...

I am smurfing invincible now. I have Blizzard, for freezing the enemies' ballsacks off.

wat

I have Slow, so our enemies will move like snails and I can run around and moon them.

srsly wat

And I bought Temper so I can make DD hit harder. He hits like a pussy at the moment and that'll be no good if a boss comes around.

Come here and say that Marick, I'll show you what I can do to yer ballsack.

SRSLY WAT

I did not mean that as it sounded. Honestly. Oh smurf. Ohhhh smurf.

You were saying?

Alright let's just get back to the shopping. We upgraded weapons too. Qwert~ got a Scimitar.

I might be able to trick the pirates into thinking I'm with them!

DD got a Broadsword, because the Battle Axe was too heavy and slow. Jorge was rustling around in the backpacks and decided Laddy's old Staff was cooler than a Knife.

I'm a barbarian for crying out loud, a tiny little knife looks stupid. Now I can bludgeon with this lump of wood!

We all got Leather Gloves too, to keep our hands warm during the cold nights out in the wilderness. There was also the high five incident...

You promised not to talk about that.

I'm not talking about it! Honest! I just mentioned it! I'll stop, chill out, it's okay!

We'll see. If I could see you, I'd steal yer wallet.

We sold our old Rapey-ers, Knives and the spare Clothes.

What am I going to wear on casual Friday?

It's No-Pants Friday.

Oh well that's easy.

We didn't have quite enough to buy Iron Armour for DD, and because he bitched and moaned about it, we went out of Pravoka to hunt some monsters for more gil.

I can't hear the battle over the sound of the looting and pillaging.

With all of that taken care of, we headed back into town for our showdown with the pirates. NCG did promise us a reward if we took them out, right?

Killing is its own reward.

That is really smurfing morbid.

Sorry, I didn't get my cornflakes this morning.

On the subject of keelhauling...


9v4? yer brave to take on Jorge the Barbarian with those odds!


I'm gonna moon ya, I'm gonna moon ya.


And BAM, the ballsack's gone! No seriously, stop that tit.


Not pictured: Laddy saving everyone's (mainly Jorge) asses with Cure.

Ha ha! That was an easy fight.

Ha yeah... yeah it sure was! ...ha ha. *wheeze*

I don't know if we can forgive you that easi-- wait a minute, did you say we get yer ship? All's forgiven!


Now at least one of my childhood dreams has come true.
(One day I'll meet you Batman, one day!)

Alright, where should we go first?

Steakhouse.

Who cares, let's just sail! I can be like a VIKING now!

Shouldn't we like, say thank you or something?

Ugh... fine. Let's say thank you to Bikke.

No you can't have the boat back. It's mine!
My precious.


It's good to know that killing a man's friends can
help him turn his life around.


...I did until you said that.

Anyway, as we were walking and discussing where to head next, this random sage who wasn't standing there before came up and was all in our grillz.

It's no "would you kindly", but it might just work.

So, where to?

We head west.

For Melmond.

----

Will our brave Light Warriors make it to Melmond? Have they forgotten all about their Crystal Quest of Convenience? And what of Matoya's crystal eye? This is a tale of many questions, and few answers! But find out more in the next episode; Sailing On The Seven (Give or Take) Seas!

Hey man, thanks for doing these little updates at the end of each entry. It's nice to have it all sort wrapped up nicely, and let's everyone know what to look forward to next time.

Yeah sure, it's no problem. Just happy to be of service to a fellow disembodied narrator!

Hey, you and me should get a beer sometimes. I'm sure the Light Warriors will manage to survive that long without us looking after them.

Sounds like a date! ...No homo.

No homo.



(Hey, I heard that! )

[Laddy]

Awesome episode as usual! Keep it up!

[qwertysaur]

Temper is a wonderful spell.

If Laddy cringed from the sight of Matoya's cave, then he is probably going to go berserk when he sees the marsh cave.

[Jiro]

D'ya thinks it such a good idea to continue while yer a wee bit tipsy still?

ahaha course I do! What the worst that can happen?

Awwrightio then, see ya after t' episode.

Riiiiiiiiight where were we at 'fore of all that? Aahhhhh yesssh. I 'member now.

Here!

And we was headin' erm well not too sure about that one.

West.

Riiiiight! That beardy guy was all, "save my fish pond!" and tit.

He wanted us to save his town, Melmond.

Same differentials! Jus' git on the boot and let's roll!

It's a ship, and we're sailing. You have to use the right terminology if you want yer scout badge!

I dunt care if it's a bloomin' hellcopter, we do this my way or the motorway. Now let's roll the boot!

(We just have to make do.)

AH! WHATDASMURFISDAT!

Wanna hear a joke? COURSE YA DO. Where me buccaneers? ON ME BUCKIN' HEAD. || osmurfitsashark!

Guys guys guys, that was smurfing scary. TOO MUCH MAN NO WAY AM I FIGHTIN SHARKS. Let's jus' play cards. OH OH HOW BOUT THIS GAME!? Hold erm hold the A Button an' press B Button lots, real fast like yer tryin' to um something.

I SMURFIN LOVE PUZZLES

K well that took some time amirite?

We're on a time sensitive mission here. We need to gather intel as to the location of the crystals and prevent them from decaying any further.

I gotsa crystal in my pants wanna see?

What are we doing with this idiot? I thought Henrique was stupid, but come on.

I can't believe you would compare the two of us. I am so offended, I've forgotten how to be angry.

Let's just do some training. The ocean is a good place for farming EXP and Gil. Buccaneers are loaded. I want me some of that coinage.

ARE YOU EYEBALLIN' ME PUNK? ARE YA? I'LL GIT ME BUDDIES TO BEAT YOU UP.

Right, now that we're level 10, let's sail over to Cornelia and rest. It's cheaper there, you know?

So yer a penny pincher too now? I'm thinking it was better with me in charge

Shaddup Kevin. When you were in charge, we spent days talking to every stupid looking idiot you could find. TWICE! At least Qwert~'s financial strategies mean I can upgrade my sexy armour whenever possible.

Sleep is great! Sleep is for pussies!

Are you kidding me? You got drunk again?

We did body shots offa this monk dude. His abs were mental. You shoulda been there!

I wish I could have been there

OH YEAH! You woulda loved it mang, honest to odin man.

I don't know about you guys, but I think we need more intel. Relying on this guy is not a good idea.

Let's visit the stripper! For, you know, information gathering purposes only

She has nice...cheeks.

So, to the Western Keep then! Anybody know where that lies, apart from west?

OH ME PICK ME I KNOW.

Honestly?

YEAAAAAAH!

Which way then?

Gimme that map o' yers.

We need to go here.
QNote: Don't listen to him, he's an imbecile.

Alright, let's go then.

WE'REALLGONNADIEJUSTGIVEUPNOWANDTHEYMIGHTNOTPUNCTUREYOU


NOTTHEWOLVESAGAINALWAYSTHEWOLVESWE'RESORRY

There is smurfing nothing out here guys.

Tarquin is right. I don't see no keeps, western or not.

Hang on a minute. *sniff* I smell...treasure!

This way!

Too bright turn down the lights plz

This doesn't seem like the place we were looking for...

No, but there's treasure somewhere!

Is this...dirt? My robe is getting real dirty in here, I don't like it. Can we leave please?

Wait!

For this and this!

Okay, I'm good to leave now. The other treasure is behind one of those stupid mystic key doors.

Hang on a minute. It's not right that we just walk in and steal all their tit without at least saying hello, right?

...

Ease up on the death stare, it's only a couple people, honest! We don't have to talk to everyone if you don't want to.

whut

I understand the bearded hat men! I know what they sayin'!

Smurf it, we're leaving.

Guys guys guys guys I dunt think that'sa good idea.

Too bad. Everybody back on the ship!

Oh, crap.

eheheheh they had to go to churchy dude in Cornville and wake up. They had a wicked hangover too

I'd like to table a motion.

We're not in a meeting, but go for it.

I vote DD becomes a meatshield for Laddy and I.

I would like to sexily second that marvellous motion.

Huh?

I'm tentatively trying out some awesome alliteration, it's a humorous habit I picked up while hiking in the Himalayas.

Whatever. All those in favour? Aye.

Aye.

Aye.

Smurf no, what?

The Ayes have it over the smurf no, whats. DD, yer a meatshield buddy.

This is the thanks I get for saving yer lives.

Also, just so you all know, the map has only one accessible port left on it. We're going there.

So long as we're not listening to that idiot.

Who, me? AW C'MON YA BIG LUG.

That settles it then. We're heading south.

For... uh I'm not sure this time.

----

Just come back next time when I don't have a splitting headache, kay?

[Laddy]

Meat Shield make everything better.

[Rantz]

Entertaining as always