Jiro does FFI

[Jiro]

Wait a minute, I know where we'd headed now!

Oh yeah? Where are we going then?

I'll tell you when we get there.

Why the hush-hush? Are you hiding something, you thieving little...uhh...thief?

We're not talking about it now. Just shut up and row.

But the wind's in our sails...

I SAID ROW, YOU LILY-LIVERED LANDLUBBERS!

And so they did.

They embarked at a little port in the south, surrounded by forests. You know what lives in forests?

Nope, smurf this, I quit.

Despite being struck with a dangerous poison, Qwert~ managed to lead our brave Light Warriors and DD to civilisation.

Hey, I'm brave!

Pretty sure you wet yourself.

THOSE SPIDERS WERE BIGGER THAN ALL OF US MAN, ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

Whatever, pussy

That's one big castle.

Everybody? Welcome...

...to Elfheim. My hometown.

You're an elf?

Yes, yes I am. Hence my natural disposition towards the colour green. We love green. It rocks.

But what about your ears? You haven't got pointy ears or anything!

Oh I know, his ears got cut off in a freak juggling accident.

I just hide them under my bandanna, obviously.

omg YAY AN ELF! This is A-W-E-S-O-M-E♪

You're awfully excited about this.

Elves are sexy people. Very sexy people.

Uh well I'm just gonna collapse over here from the poison now.

Aw tit. Better go rest up at the inn. DD, you drag him.

Why me?

Because you're the meat head.

I thought I was the meat shield?

Same thing.

Highway robbery, I tells ya!

But when they woke up, Qwert~ was still down with the sickness. The solution?

Buy a titload of Antidotes.

There are a lot of poisonous monsters in the area, we should stock up on Antidotes.

What else can we buy?

It's time for another edition of Shopping Time!

This week we've purchased:

• A Saber for Qwert~!
• A Dagger for Jorge (the Barbarian)!
• An Iron Shield for DD (the meat shield)!
• Leather Caps for Jorge and Laddy!
• A Helm for DD (the meat head)!

Well that's a pretty decent haul, I say. And now I can cut out my enemies' kidneys.

Maybe the shield will stop the enemies tearing me to pieces.

Can we sell the shield?

Quiet, quiet, I wanna buy some more spell books!

We went to the magic shops on the west of town. This was the fancy side of town, and everything was smurfing overpriced. Level 4 spell books setting you back two and a half grand. Each!

That is more overpriced than those blasted Copper Armlets. We're not getting any.

But but!

We'll go downtown and find some cheaper stuff, alright?

...Fine.

You should just learn to be a physical beast like me, then you don't even need magic!

If you're so amazing, why am I the meat shield?

Because...your face is already ugly, scaring it up might actually make it better!

Guys stop fighting FOR JUST ONE MINUTE. So they went downtown, and bought some more spell books.

Laddy was feeling a bit left out after last time (if you remember, he was sulking -WAS NOT!- unimpressed with the selection and didn't buy any spell books) so he bought three new spells: Cura, Diara and the very useful Heal.

Undead bitches beware, I will make you Die!-ara

That was a horrible pun.

Yo mama's a horrible pun.

Jorge bought Thundara because he was lacking a bit of spark in his day.

That's worse than mine.

Yo mama's worse than mine.

That joke is about three decades past its used by date. If you would like my saber to not enter your neck tonight, then you had best shut it. Now.

(Is it just me, or is he becoming really terrifying?)

(It's not just you.)

We need to collect some information. Before you all flip your tit, or in Jorge's case, cream your robe, it's only a few people, alright?

Actually no screw you all, this is my first time home in a long time, I want to talk to some old friends.

Quentin is still dodging his responsibilities.


Qwopington is still far too obsessed with Tolkien.

Someone is missing? Where's my brother? Where's my big bro?

NOOOOoooooooooo

Dude I am so sorry.

He's gone to a better place now, it'll be alright Qwert~.

...I'm gonna go and smurf up some monsters.

Can anyone else see the steam like, exploding from his ears?

Pretty sure I got scalded by it.

We better go give him some help.

Not even the Revenge of the Wolves could slow our heroes down.

----

We're gonna take a short break here while Qwert~ recovers from his grief. Meanwhile, the party will be running up a huge bill at the inn.

Why don't we stay at Qwert~'s house?

That was sold to pay for Link's funeral costs.

Oh man

Come back next time when our party return to wacky hijinks and there's less doom and gloom (hopefully!).

[Gamblet]

Heheh, Jiro made me grin with those dialogs. I have completed the game myself already, in fact I have completed every FF on PS1. I just love how the story goes deep at the middle/end of the game. Also, how many times have you completed FFI, Jiro?

[Jiro]

I've finished FFI probably 5 or 6 times, none of them recently enough to help me out during this playthrough either

Apologies for the wait too, it's a harder task than I first anticipated! Another entry will be here shortly.

[Jiro]

Once Qwert~'s rampage had ceased and he had simmered, we decided to make for the castle. Link had been close friends with the Elvish Prince, and Qwert~ wanted to hear from him what had happened.

The best castle garden I ever saw.

We weren't met with good news though.

Our next enemy is revealed: Astos!

I want to see him.

It won't make you feel any better.

Exactly.

Rain check on the medicine; first we got bitches to slay!

As we were leaving, DD finally proved himself to be useful in more ways than just a meat shield.

What's that supposed to mean?

You used to be tit.

And you used to be cool. Wait, no, never happened.

You smart ass mother fuc-

Yeah, so as I was saying.

~Flashback~ You know who I miss? That stripper chick. Yeah, she went alright. Well fit.

...Western...Keep. We need to go to the Western Keep.

What?

The stripper, she told us about the Western Keep. That's why we came here in the first place. As much as it pains me, we must put aside my own personal quest and deal with our responsibilities as Light Warriors.

You're the boss! Let's do it~

I am always reminded of Marlene's narration in Advent Children's intro - "There were a lot of battles."

We arrived though, safe and sound, at the Western Keep; a shadow of its former glory.

I hope the rent's cheap.

We weren't alone.

No, you're not getting my house key. I need it!

But I didn't just mean the bats. There was also company awaiting us in the one preserved room in the castle.

That blasted Astos is at it again!

Another castle, another quest. It seems like every time we go to one of these places, some sod wants us to do something for him!

Part of the Light Warrior gig, we just have to roll with it I suppose.

Astos... he's behind it all, I can feel it. He's a blight on this land and a threat to my people. He must be stopped.

So we're going to the Marsh Cave then?

Yes.

It sounds dirty, I'm not looking forward to this. Though it can't be worse than the colour scheme in here, yuck. And the gaudy statues, what was he thinking?

We didn't want Laddy to piss him off, whether he was the king of a fallen kingdom or not. We weren't going to waltz in under prepared though, so we returned to Elfheim, with many many more battles beneath our belts and a fat stack of cash in hand.

You know what this means? That's right folks! Shopping Time!

• 10x Antidote
• 2x Gold Needle

Only a small haul in terms of items! But that's because we took a dive and wandered over to uptown Elfheim and bought some more spell books.

I'm bringing the heat and making it fast, with Fira and Haste. Why did I have to say that? I mean seriously, a ten year old could come up with better material.

Hey shut it, or you can become a mute character, alright? I have that power.

I got Poisona and Vox to try and save money on status restoring items. I mean seriously, buying more Antidotes was overkill. I can cure poison for like three MP! Talk about efficiency, bitches.

Hey I've got an idea! How about you shut up and put your money where your mouth is; it's time to walk the talk.

We headed west, and then south, weaving through the mountain passes and forests, until the earth became soggy and the mosquitoes became abso-smurfing-lutely fierce.

They weren't the only things biting though!

Then we found it. Our destination, where two different paths met, at Astos, and the Marsh Cave.

And it was just a smurfing hole in the ground.

----

Will Qwert~ find out what happened to his brother Link? Will the Elvish Prince wake up? Will the Warriors of Light defeat the evil Astos and return the Western Keep to glory?

I know, but I'm not tellin'

[Laddy]

Awesome epi as usual.