Jiro does FFI

[Jiro]

We've all heard the story. How one man, charged with producing a swan song of a game, managed to change fate and launch perhaps the most successful and well-known video game series of all time.

But that is ancient history, and ancient history is, quite frankly, boring. Let's try and spice things up a bit now, shall we?

Welcome to Final Fantasy. This game has peanuts for plot, and while I love peanuts, a lot of people are allergic to them. So, we are here to change that (the fact that the plot is peanuts. Gosh, try and keep up will you!). I will be playing through the game, adapting events and making up tit to (hopefully) create an entertaining, hilarious and still bloody useful guide to the game. We're just going to wing it, basically, and see what happens.

But I cannot do it alone. Well, I probably could do it alone. I am, after all, smurfing fantastic, but that takes all the fun out of it. So you guys are going to help me in a variety of ways. Your suggestions and comments, speculation and nonsensical statements will all be of use to me as I try to piece together a story for the ages. Jokes, gags and gimmicks might all feature, so keep them coming and together we'll create a masterpiece!

I will be playing the Dawn of Souls version, because a) I have access to it; b) it is easy for me to screenshot; and c) there is no c.

So come on, and let's get this thang started! My first mission for you all: Assemble our Light Warriors and name them! This is your story, now is the time to embrace your destiny!

GO FORTH AND CONQUER.

(Note: Naming characters is perhaps the most important part of this game. Because this is an EoFF presentation, I wouldn't mind using EoFF based names, but puns and dirty words are also acceptable. Keep in mind that putting your own name forward is selfish, egotistical and encouraged.)

[Martyr]

Fair enough. Call the Black Mage Martyr.

He'll live up to his name.

[Jessweeee♪]

Name one after me ('cause I'm vain like that) and make it the most impractical class you can possibly think of in relation to the rest of the party ('cause I'm mean like that?).

EDIT:

I haven't played FFI, so I don't know how the class thing works. I assume you start out with a few, then unlock new sets every now and then. Always make sure the character is impractical. Always.

[demondude]

Selfish, egotistical and proud. DD as a Fighter purlease.

[qwertysaur]

I wanna be a Thief!

Also you have to do the four bonus dungeons.

[Hot Shot]

Sounds fun. I'll be sure to follow this.

[Rantz]

Pfff, all of you submitting your own names... my suggestion is Jorge.

[I Don't Need A Name]

It's all about the blackbelt called Xantos!

[TrollHunter]

Name one after me ('cause I'm vain like that) and make it the most impractical class you can possibly think of in relation to the rest of the party ('cause I'm mean like that?).

EDIT:

I haven't played FFI, so I don't know how the class thing works. I assume you start out with a few, then unlock new sets every now and then. Always make sure the character is impractical. Always.

You actually only get the basic classes
warrior
white mage
black mage
brawler
thief
and you upgrade them decently far in the game. That's it.
Name one Bonquisha.

[Laddy]

Aww, I wanted to be a White Mage. Tendin' the wounds of big, buff manly men.

[demondude]

For those of you that don't know, Laddy is a homosexual.

[TrollHunter]

For those of you that don't know, Laddy is a homosexual.

Oh my god I never knew!

[demondude]

He does hide it well. I hope you realise I was also being sarcastic though.

[Laddy]

Yeah, I mean I'm all big an' bad, y'know? Just like Rock Hudson.

[Jiro]

Here's the title screen. Looks pretty good, right? I dunno what standards we usually judge title screens by. At least it's got some colour, and all that copyright info. Man, 1987 was a long time ago. I didn't realise they had Final Fantasy back during the first world war!

Anyway, on to business. You have to press the start button and pick the blue guy with the sword, not the orgasming pink chick.

With that sorted, now we're presented with another choice. Load game won't save us now, time for a new game! TODAY IS THE DAY FOR OUR ADVENTURE!

Party Assembling Time!

We're presented with a group of four shoddy looking people whose parents were so mean that they didn't name them. For some reason these four folks want us to name them. I don't know about you, but I wouldn't let this guy name me.

Nevertheless, the party members need names, and they need jobs too! Again, I don't think I'd let someone who looks like this pick my profession. I always wanted to bake muffins for a living. Do you know the muffin man? I am the smurfing muffin man!

And now the fun begins...

So our band of misfits are ready to begin their grand journey. Or take a trip to the local store to buy eggs and milk. I'm not really sure yet, but we'll figure it out as we go, right?

I believe this movie plays here!

This is worse than that time I woke up with
a massive hangover in my neighbours' bed
...with them still in it...
...naked.

Well, here we are. Just a couple of country kids trying to make it big in the city. I don't know how we got here, but Adventuring 101 tells us that the first thing anyone should do when beginning a world adventure or even going to buy the previously mentioned bread and milk is to check your pockets.

Well this is promising. We're dirt poor and our only
education is the damn Adventuring 101 class we took
because we were too stupid for remedial everything else.

So not off to a good start. But at least we have each other, right? Let's have a little meet and greet with our party members. First off we have Jorge.

I'm Jorge the Barbarian and I'm in charge of this here party! HERE ME ROAR, MOTHERTRUCKERS! I'm the leader because I'm the roughest toughest son of a bitch around, and if you wanna argue with that, I will kick your smurfing shins in and stab you in your nipples. So smurfing deal with it.

But you're not even a real Barbarian Jorge, you're a Black Mage.

Listen here you pompous twat, I'm a smurfing Barbarian because I say I'm a Barbarian. Come here and I'll stab your smurfing nipples, Qwert~! What kind of a smurfing name is Qwert~ anyway? HOW DO YOU EVEN PROUNCE THAT TILDE YOU TOSSING SALAD FACE?

You just sing my name like there's a music note there♪

Whatever.

Is it my turn, is it my turn!? I'm LADDY and I'm fabulous. I just looooove protecting my delightful teammates. They're just so cuuute~~~

ENOUGH WITH THE smurfING TILDES. TODAY IS THE DAY FOR MY ADVENTURE, YOU'RE JUST THE EXTRAS.

Now hang on just a minute there Johnny.

It's JORGE.

Okay Roger. Look, I'm the Warrior, so obviously I should be in charge. The great DD, here to save the world and bring back just enough bread and milk, and maybe a twix for good measure. I should be in charge, because I'm the smartest and most dashing hero of all time.

Oh my, he's so handsome~~~

I can tell I'm going to hate this adventure already.

Wait, your name is DD? Like, "dee dee"?

Yes, what of it?

That's flippin' ridiculous. The itty bitty warrior has a GIRL'S NAME!

Coming from you, you pretentious thieving bastard.

Can we get back to the adventuring now?

Let's.

Right. Now as I would've been saying an hour ago if not for these interruptions, we're in Final Fantasy, so that means you're looking at a battle eve-- DID I TELL YOU TO MOVE?! NO, NO I DID NOT TELL YOU TO MOVE! WHY DID YOU MOVE!?

One step and already somebody is trying to rape
and pillage us of our lunch money. How sweet.

Now of course, the first thing you should do when attacked by some enemies is try to destroy them as quickly as possible. What is the best way to do this? Zap the smurfing tit out of them with super smurfing death magic of death and destruction and turn their corpses to ash. So, shall we.

We...uh...we may have a problem.

What? What problem could we possibly have?

I, uh, we, uh. I didn't bring the spellbooks.

You didn't bring the spellbooks? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? You know what, smurf it, smurf you and smurf this. We are not even here for five smurfing minutes and now a bunch of spastic goblins are going to ass rape me because you didn't bring the spellbooks. Okay, change of plan. Qwert~, you try and steal something off those bastards that we can actually use.

Well, I can't actually do that you know. I don't know how to steal. My mama always told me to be an honest lad.

You have got to be kidding me. How can you be a smurfing thief if you cannot steal anything from anyone? Did you go to thief school and sleep through every smurfing class? Good lord, I am surrounded by absolute idiots. You are all incompetent backtown yobbos with tit for brains and I will be smurfing glad if they cut off your testicles and wear them on a necklace.

Hey, no sweat, creepy disembodied narrator voice guy. We'll just use my tried and true method - wailing on them with sticks and tit.

I want to hit them with my lovely big HAMMER~

Whatever, it's your funeral.

In a strange twist of fate, we managed to nick
their stuff (no thanks to Qwert~) and then Jorge
got to rape them. (He'll deny it, but we know it's true.)

Okay, we survived. I don't know how, but our first battle is over. Let's hope there aren't many more of these...

-------------


Ominous words from the disembodied narrator! Tune in next time as the party finally takes their second step, and then hopefully a few more into the Kingdom of Cornelia!