Mike,

Thank God you e-mailed me. Shortly after our date, I was kidnapped by Chinese spies and imprisoned at a black site in the province of Tzao-bin. My captors are holding me ransom for 1 million dollars. I know that a sensitive man like you that has made his parents millions of dollars in investments can spare a million dollars to pay for my ransom. My eye contact with you and playing with my hair was intentional. I was too shy to tell you that I was in love with you at first sight. All of your suspicions are true! Please rescue me from this horrible place so that we can make beautiful love over and over again and grow old together!

Love, Lauren