I was struggling to come up ideas for this speech. I had to ask for suggestions. “Define what Nicest means.” Well that is probably a good place to start, I suppose. I mean, it’s not as if any of you arseholes actually know what being nice is. Google has this to say:
Originally Posted by
Google
nice/nis/
Adjective:
- Pleasant; agreeable; satisfactory: "we had a nice time".
- (of a person) Pleasant in manner; good-natured; kind: "he's a really nice guy".
According to our balance of nominees, you’re statistically more likely to be nice if you are an attractive North American female than any other type of person. You’re less likely, but still rather likely, to be a SUPER NICE GUY™ if you’re a Scandinavian male. Who is abnormally sexy. And then you’re a little bit less likely to be nice if you’re Australian.
Wait, what? Since when have Australians been nice people? You’re thinking of New Zealanders.
Here is the same point in reverse. It’s on the internet so you know it’s true.
Now that we’ve got that sorted out, let’s think about why you weren’t nominated for this award. Chances are you’re either not an attractive North American female or an abnormally sexy Scandinavian male. If you are, then that’s just bad luck. Try being nicer, or at least try to be less of a jerk.
Think about what you’ve done in the past few days. Did you flip off an old man? Did you tip a trash can over a poor defensive little puppy? Did you steal a lollipop from a baby? Did you punch a nun, look up her skirt and then punch her again? Then you are probably doing it wrong.
Try to stop doing these things and you will be well on your way to becoming a nice person. Then all you need to do is become either an attractive North American female or an abnormally sexy Scandinavian male and you’ve got it down pat.
Good luck!
