All rise. Court in session. The right honourable Judge Barrett Wallace presiding.
Attorney Tseng speaking for the prosecution.

JBW: "Sit down, F$?%ers."

The court is seated.

JBW: "Call yer man, skinny"
AT: "I call Soup Dude"

A particularly shifty-looking Soup Dude approaches the stand and takes a seat.

JBW: "D'yer promise t' tell the truth, you creepy twat?"
SD: "I do"

Attorney Tseng approaches the stand...

AT: "Can you confirm your name for the court?"
SD: "Soup Dude"
AT: "And your occupation?"
SD: "I'm a soup vendor in Wall Market"
AT: "I see. So you sell soup for a living?"
SD: "No"
AT: "Excuse me?"
SD: "I err... I don't actually sell any soup"
AT: "So you are a soup vendor that doesn't sell soup?"
SD: "Err... yes..."
JBW: "Are you a f%?*!ng idiot?"
SD: "I don't know... probably"

Attorney Tseng paces up and down in front of the stand...

AT: "How long have you been 'not-selling' soup?"
SD: "Six years"
AT: "So what reason do you give customers when they want soup?"
SD: "It's a little early to start eating. Come back in a bit"
JBW: "Six years ta make a pot of God Damn Soup?!!!"
SD: "It's err... a complicated recipe"
AT: "Where did you get this recipe from?"

Soup Dude bows his head...

SD: "...Grandpa..."
JBW: "Grandpa? HA HA HA!! Ya sound like that retarded talkin' lion I used ter know!"
AT: "So was there a special ingredient needed to complete this culinary delight?"
SD: "Err... maybe..."
AT: "I present Exhibit A"

Attorney Tseng presents a picture of a young flower girl and shows it to Soup Dude...

AT: "Do you recognise this girl?"
SD: "Hmmm... wasn't she the slum drunk?"
AT: "She was a flower girl from sector 5"
SD: "Oh...right"
JBW: "That's spiky-head's missus!"

Soup Dude looks around shiftily

AT: "After careful examination of your soup, traces of Miss Aeris Gainsborough were found amongst the contents."
SD: "..."
AT: "Did you cook this flower girl?"

Soup Dude starts to sweat

SD: "I, err... sort of... cook is a strong word... err..."
AT: "How did you come across the body of Miss Gainsborough?"
SD: "I err... found her"
AT: "I have a sworn testimony from three henchmen of the late Don Corneo stating that they found her body in the sewers. Then, at your request, helped transport her body to your soup pot."
AT: "Oh. Well then, yeah... that"

Attorney Tseng rubs the bridge of his nose...

AT: "Can you explain to the court why you did this?"
SD: "Well... it probably stems from an incident in my youth. When I was a boy I was poisoned by mako"
JBW: "Not that old f&%"!ng chestnut! It's funny how all the mental twats in my court say 'ooohhh I'm ill from all that mako...' Yeah? That's why ya molested all those toxic frogs was it?!!"
SD: "It was Professor Hojo. He..."
JBW: "Enough of this sh$t. I say that yer guilty of cookin' a dead flower girl. Sentence' is an ungarmax to the face. It's gunner happen in 30 secon's"

The right honourable Judge Barrett Wallace turns to face Soup Dude

AT: "Would you like to say anything before your sentence is carried out? When you reflect on what you did, cooking Miss Aeris Gainsborough, what do you think?"
SD: "It's probably for the best. No-one on the forums seems to like her anyway"
AT: "What's a forum?"
SD: "I've no idea"

JBW: "Right. 'Ere we go!!"
SD: "God damn dust ruined everything..."

9999, 9999, 9999, 9999, 9999, 9999, 9999, 9999

The end