I was so thoroughly smashed last night peoples. I was too smashed to even type things properly in to my phone.

Witness, text from last night:

"OawkAaatrddd I love! Alwayas, you're constantly awaiable in my vagina! Oi love you!"

........Happy frackin' birthday to me. And also my friend Emily, who is constantly awaiable in my vagina.....-insert slow clap here-