a thread where we just spam archer quotes and laugh amongst ourselves

[The Man]

So you just listen to me, Mr Man. Get me some video footage of hot man on man action by tonight, or don't bother coming home!

[Shorty]

I have to go, but if I find one dog hair when I come back I'll rub sand into your dead little eyes. I also need you to buy sand. I don't know if they grade it, but... coarse.

[The Man]

<strong style="color: #38e897;">Mallory:[/b] ISIS isn't your own personal travel agency. It doesn't exist just so you can jet off to... Whore Island!
<strong style="color: #38e897;">Archer:[/b] That's not... a real place.
<strong style="color: #38e897;">Mallory:[/b] I have fifty agents who would literally kill to move up to your position. And if you don't square up your operations account by Monday, they won't need to. Your position will be vacant! Sterling!
<strong style="color: #38e897;">Archer:[/b] Sorry, I was picturing Whore Island.
<strong style="color: #38e897;">Mallory:[/b] Have I made myself clear?!
<strong style="color: #38e897;">Archer:[/b] You're looking for the answer "yes"?
<strong style="color: #38e897;">Mallory:[/b] Yes.
<strong style="color: #38e897;">Archer:[/b] Then yes.

[Shorty]

The Isle of Man... oh my god, is that like Whore Island for women?

[The Man]

<strong style="color: #38e897;">Lana:[/b] [about Conway] And what do we know about this guy?
<strong style="color: #38e897;">Archer:[/b] Only that he's uncircumcised.
<strong style="color: #38e897;">Lana:[/b] [Pause] Okay, glossing over how you know that—
<strong style="color: #38e897;">Archer:[/b] We touched penises.
<strong style="color: #38e897;">Lana:[/b] NO, GLOSSING! But wait, an uncircumsized Jewish guy? Isn't that kinda weird to you?
<strong style="color: #38e897;">Archer:[/b] What's weird about that? I'm not Jewish but I am circum—
<strong style="color: #38e897;">Lana:[/b] That's not how it works!
<strong style="color: #38e897;">Archer:[/b] Oh Lana, I think we both know it works just fine.

[Shorty]

Lana: Aww, did you see me? Holding that baby?
Ray: Yeah, you looked like Tyson holding that dove.

[The Man]

<strong style="color: #38e897;">Pam:[/b] And don't go starting rumors about Conway boning your mother.
[Archer throws up]
<strong style="color: #38e897;">Pam:[/b] You get any of that in the trashcan?
<strong style="color: #38e897;">Archer:[/b] No. I missed on purpose.

[Shorty]

Sterling Archer: No, no, by all means, let me do this Lana. You just sit there like the African Queen.
Lana Kane: The African Queen was the boat.
Sterling Archer: No it wasn't. It was Audrey-
Lana Kane: Katherine.
Sterling Archer: Whichever Hepburn, she was the queen.
Lana Kane: ...of Africa?
Sterling Archer: Yeah.
Lana Kane: The white queen of Africa?
Sterling Archer: Yeah. Back then Hollywood was pretty weird about the whole race thing. Like Amos and Andy were white. A white guy played Charlie Chan.
Lana Kane: Archer-
Sterling Archer: I'm pretty sure Tonto was a Jew.

[The Man]

You haven't seen the last of Conway Stern... Which is not my real name.

[Jowy]

RAMPAAAAAAAAAAAGE!

[The Man]

All I've had today is, like, six gummy bears and some scotch.

[Shorty]

serves you right, smacky brown

[The Man]

<strong style="color: #38e897;">Malory:[/b] But they were blanks! Weren't they?
<strong style="color: #38e897;">Archer:[/b] Only if the back of his skull picked that exact moment to explode outwards.

[Jowy]

I do know that a liter of melon balls can't replace a liter of blood because I'm kind of drunk for this!

[The Man]

Oh, I thought we were laughing at the dead people we set on fire.