Census Results - Get your slack asses in here.

[Hollycat]

I hate thieves. I find the whole "steal" thing a waste of time and just boring gameplay.

Also, Bubba; we need to get that guy a smurfing tv show.

I like thieves in terms of gameplay, but doesn't it make more sense to kill the monster and then take all it has instead of maybe taking one horn or something?

[Jiro]

You thought I forgot about you, didn't you? Oh darling, that could never happen. I simply needed a chance to remember that you're all smurfing lunatics who can't answer simple questions correctly. I had to buy new pillows after I drew your faces on them and stabbed them to a feathery death.

Least Favourite Accessory

Knowing you guys, these will probably be the best accessories to use. Miscreants, the lot of you.

Third Place (2)
What's this? No one pointers? You finally decided on trout for once. Congratusmurfinglations. Maybe you aren't all screw ups after all. So here, there's a tie between Sprint Shoes (didn't they make an entry on favourite accessories....?) and Cursed Ring. I don't know why you idiots would even bother to note the Cursed Ring because it's clearly cursed and therefore should just be ignored entirely. smurf.

Any one that is terrible but the game thinks is good and keeps auto-equipping. Honorable mention goes to Sprint Shoes. It was a great day when they just gave you the ability to run whenever you wanted.

No. You need stylish shoes to run fast. Duh.

Second Place (4)
This one is taken out by Minor Stat% adding items. Too many words? Go back to school then, dumbass. Clearly, accessories come in categories, just like this Census. The easiest way to get some real, hard results - harder results than your thick smurfing skull - is to categorise like this. Don't like it? How about you write a letter.

Shopkeeper: "Would you like to buy this Amulet?"
Cloud: "What does it do?"
Shopkeeper: "It makes you 10% luckier!"
Cloud: "Really? How would I know?"
Shopkeeper: "You just, sort of... feel luckier. By err, about 10%..."
Cloud: "How much is it?"
Shopkeeper: "10'000 gil"
Cloud: "Sounds like a scam"
Shopkeeper: "Yeah, it does. Probably because it is."
Cloud: "How much is this mastered All materia?"
Shopkeeper: "You don't want to know."

The running commentary is unnecessary.

Those stupid 'Resist Deprotect +30%' and similar accessories that pop up in most FF games (but especially the XIII games). Why would I waste a slot on that crap?

Percentages are good though. Right? I don't know. smurf maths, man.

The ones that give you like, +5 HP. Why the smurf does it even bother?

I think you're exaggerating girl.

First Place (7)
First place goes to the deserving winner. smurfing Single Status Protection items like Goggles, Star Pendants, Amulets and the like. Not the Amulet your mate Bubba was talking about.

Accessories protecting against poison are largely useless as curing poison is cheap and frees up an accessory slot for something more useful.

Anything else is more useful.

Anything that protects against poison. Poison will rarely kill you and antidotes are usually cheap until you get a heal spell of some sort. I'd rather use my accessory slot for something more useful. Like sprint shoes.

LIKE SPRINT SHOES.

The kind that allow you to be protected against one status.

Yeah we got that too.

Silver glasses, White Cape (FFVII had a lot of useless acc.)

No need to smurfing list them all either pal.

[Jiro]

Favourite Optional Boss

I still don't know what it is that designates a boss as good or bad, so once again we're flying blind thanks to your complete inability to specify anything useful during your Census responses. Let's take a look and see if I can't do all the smurfing leg work once more.

One Pointers

• Jumbo Cactuar (VIII)
• Minerva
• Ozma
• Ruby WEAPON
• Bahamut (FFIV)
• Angrya Manyu
• Lost Number
• Ultima WEAPON
• Ultima Weapon (VIII)
• Omega Weapon (VIII)
• Strongest Shinra
• Omega

I don't even know who these bosses freaking are. Optional means it's too much like hard work in my opinion. Nobody thought it would be a good idea to tell me why they like certain optional bosses though. Well, almost nobody. Nobody important at least.

I kind of want to say Ultima WEAPON. If only because beating it wins me the Ultima Weapon. Also fighting him gets you a notable chance to acquire Shadow Flare.

You're moving up the foodchain just by not being useless.

Strongest Shinra from X-2 International. Great challenge.

I suppose that counts too.

Omega (FFV) and the Red Dragon (FFVI Dragon's Den), mostly for the same reason, they are great fights that require a good knowledge of the games skills and abilities to become victorious but the best part is that they are relatively short. None of this silly billion HP nonsense nowadays where is can take hours to tackle these things. Just a simple fight that requires some careful prepping but is equally rewarding because the fights themselves are not easy and even with the right prep work, you can still lose.

You should know better than to list two answers, jackass.

First Place (2)
Yeah. Another one of these. Four winners, all tied on two votes. Let me use the list fashion again because it's simple; you guys are going out of your way to make my life a pain in the butt now though, aren't you?

• Eight Dragons
• Tonberry King (VIII)
• Emerald WEAPON
• Odin

The 8 dragons in FFVI. Really some of the first optional bosses I ever beat, and part of why I like them is not only having to search every corner of the world to find them or that each offered a unique challenge, but also that they reward you with Crusader. And of course, there's always that moment when you equip your reward and summon it in battle for the first time to see what it looks like, only to find out that it just killed your party and you should never summon Crusader again.

Crusader is a prick.

Tonberry King from FFVIII is a pretty challenging boss to encounter, and then he's got moves to kick your ass pretty swiftly if you're not prepared. If you're really in the mood to challenge yourself, there'll be a 20 minute time limit.

Tonberries are scary without them being kings.

I don't have one. Uh. Geez. If you can't accept "none", throw in Tonberry King from FFVIII. *shrug*

WAY TO smurfING DEVALUE MY VOTE.

Emerald Weapon. I only ever beat him once and it was so satisfying watching him glow red and die. Especially after he whooped me countless times.

I didn't know you got a kick out of watching things die. Creepy, man.

8 Dragons (FFVI) - I just loved hunting them down or discovering them while on an unrelated quest. I guess that's why I still love the Mark hunts from XII and XIII.

I think I actually agree with you. In fact, I do. So let's end here with me not wanting to punch anyone in the face.

[Loony BoB]

WAY TO smurfING DEVALUE MY VOTE.

[Slothy]

I apologize for the break. I was assimilated again and it took a few days for Jiro and HC to rescue me. Although I'm betting I'll wish they hadn't once we get to the results for:

Favorite weapon:

Now this is a weird one. Why? Because a whole bunch of weapons got one vote and the two weapons tied for first got two votes each. I'm not sure you guys could get more indecisive if you tried. On to the losers!

Guns (XII)
VIII Gunblades
Excalibur (FFTactics)
Angel Bless
Enkindler (XIII Gunblade)
Shuriken
Masamune (FFI)
Barehanded
Daggers/Knife
Nail Bat
Save the Queen
Ultima Weapon (VII)
Lionheart (VIII)
Tournesol
Ragnarok

Sweet zombie jesus that's a lot. Do we even need to ask who voted for the Enkindler from XIII?

Favorite weapon Enkindler

I guess so since it wasn't Jessweeee♪ for once. Still wrong though rydrum.

Favorite weapon
I don't really have a single favorite weapon, but I'd like to take the time to say that the way weapons worked in FFXII was pretty cool. I especially liked the guns because they ignored the player and the enemy's stats.

A reasonable answer with a good explanation. Jessweeee♪, I take back none of the things I've said about you. But good job none the less.

Favorite weapon
The gunblade is a great weapon, with 255% accuracy. It has the coolness of both swords and guns, as well as powerful limits attached to them.

I want to argue because FFVIII, but the gunblades were the best weapons in the game so you get a pass this time Jiro. Plus I might need you the next time I get assimilated so I don't want to piss you off now.

Favorite weapon: Excalibur from FF Tactics. Turns Orlandu into a one-man army.

No argument there.

Favorite weapon: Shuriken

Going the ninja route I see. Good thing you did, because voting for Ninja's is the only thing that is getting you a pass on offering no explanation.

Favorite weapon: Gunblade. It's a sword that's also a gun! It's like one of those pens that you can get with a clock on it. Only, you know... more dangerous.

I'd think of something snarky to say, but I'm too distracted by Bubba's good looks.

Favorite weapon: Save the Queen (awesome name)

And that might be valid reasoning if we were doing a census of awesome names you twit.

Favorite weapon - Elemental Swords from FFVI, Good base damage, excellent elemental modifiers, and a chance to cast a magic spell based on the caster's MA? Seriously, Terra and Celes can do monstrous damage with these weapons. I also just like the idea of an elemental weapon randomly casting damage. I tend to keep using these weapons long past most normal VI fans would argue is valid.

Hold on a second, I don't remember seeing those up above. Let me check again. Nope. Did I accidentally spoil a first place finish?

First place:
Ultima Weapon/Atma Weapon - 2 total votes
Buster Sword – 2 total votes

Nope. What the hell WK? Did you change your vote and not tell us? Did you forget to count yours? I expect this sort of screwing up the census results from everyone else, not from you. I'm so disappointed...

Anyway, what did people have to say about the winners?

Favorite weapon
The Atma Weapon from FFVI. I like it because it's obtainable early and can be quite powerful very quickly. There's also something I find enjoyable about having the visual representation of my characters growth and it's increased power every time I use it.

This guy seems to know what he's talking about. Be more like him from now on guys.

Favorite weapon: Aesthetically?

No.

Buster Sword.

Arrgghhh! God damn it! issed:

That answer is even worse than the people who didn't even bother picking any weapon at all (quite a few since I'm not even bothering to call them out individually). And from a committee member? Someone find me the nearest Borg Cube. I'd like to be assimilated again.

[Hollycat]

Hey, I gave an explanation for my vote.

Fine. I'm letting it slide because of Picard.

[Slothy]

Yeah, but I felt I was pushing it on the quotes as it was and you can only make fun of so many people. I don't remember what you said, but I remember reading it and realizing that I just couldn't do anything with it. But I'd already posted Del's so I didn't want more of me not disagreeing with or otherwise making fun of people. That's just boring.

[The Man]

It looks like both Jiro and Bubba voted for gunblades as their favourite weapons, unless I'm missing something, so shouldn't they be tied for first there?

[Slothy]

Huh, you're right. I guess this is what happens when we don't check Wolf Kanno's work.

[Jinx]

Ily, Bubba. <3

[Jiro]

SMURFING WOLF KANNO DONE IT AGAIN

[Wolf Kanno]

Hey, when you've got that much data to sort through a few mistakes are expected. :sweatdrop

[Jiro]

Least Favourite Weapon

Gosh you guys are picky. When the chips are down and you got a guy coming at you with some heavy artillery, you don't exactly have the luxury of going "hmmm nooo I don't think I will use that weapon, it's not very effective." You just pick up what the smurf you can find and beat the tit out of him with it. Same thing goes for zombies. Remind me never to shack up with you lot, we'll all die.

One Pointers

• Ultima Weapon (VII)
• Blitzball
• Measures
• Dolls
• Bare-Handed
• Rune Blade
• Megaphone
• Spears
• Dirk
• Hairpin
• Grand Mace
• Brave Blade
• Rinoa’s Wrist Boomerang

So we've got a list, and Wolf Kanno's checking it twice, if he smurfs up again I'm gonna drown him with rice. I want to sing a little jingle all of a sudden. Anyway, let's find out why these weapons are apparently bad.

I'm actually going to say the Cloud's Ultima Weapon. Yes it's powerful and it has 8 materia slots and I always want to use it because that's awesome, but no materia growth is a bit of a deal breaker. The only time it ever sees use is if I take on Emerald or Ruby or when I make my final run at the end of the game. Otherwise I'll use something else so my materia can still level as I go through sidequests.

That's a fair point, but by end game I don't think you're meant to be levelling materia any more. Still, at least you didn't say the HP mechanic is tit. Otherwise you'd have to be beaten to death.

Blitzball. Really? Honorable mentions go out to any end game weapons that are missable.

You're pretty much the lamest person ever. Clearly the blitzball wins points for being ranged and being silly novelty!

FFXII measures. Using a weapon on your own party to buff is a really cool concept, but using them was too impractical.

Are these musical measures or like cooking measures or what? I don't know. Sounds impractical.

Lulu's dolls. They don't increase magic by nearly as much as they should, their strength is also poor, and though they are cool, they don't add a whole lot to the character. Lulu could have used a stick and it would have been just as relevant.

A stick.

The weapons that drain your MP when you attack. There was one in FFVI, and some in FFXI. Rune blade I think? Anyway, MP is much more useful than being wasted to slightly boost your physical attacks.

I know Steiner had it as an ability (?) which was incredibly useful early on because he had tit all in the way of useful abilities anyway.

*shrug* Megaphone? xD

This is not a laughing matter.

again, wha parameters

GAMEPLAY MECHANIC WISE. DON'T YOU PEOPLE KNOW HOW TO READ.

Enemy: "I'm going to kill you with my nuclear bomb launcher."
Red XIII: "Yeah well, you better look out for my... err... my hairpin."
Enemy: "Your what?"
Red XIII: "...hairpin..."
Enemy: "What does it do?"
Red XIII: "Well it, er... can keep the hair out of your eyes and stuff."
Enemy: "It's not even windy. Is that all?"
Red XIII: "No! No, it can also, err... and you can use it to err... hmm...erm..."
*Runs Away*

You don't have to write a short story for every answer, buddy. But I'm glad you did. Better than not providing an explanation, or not providing a smurfing answer. Those people make my blood boil.

Rinoa's boomerang. Slow and weak-looking.

We already did the aesthetics census, pal. You were there. Remember.

So there's a bunch of weapons that we kind of hate. I love the person who nominated the Dirk, which I believe is just the weakest weapon in Final Fantasy VI. I don't think you get the point of this either, bucko. In any case, there's not a whole lot to be said. These weapons are rubbish in one way or another. Special shout out to all your ultimate/legendary weapons.

Ultimate Weapons in FFVII and Legendary Weapons in FFX. For VII, the weapons make what little individuality in the cast's playstyle completely meaningless. In FFX they do the same as VII and I have to go through mini-game hell to fully unlock them... so yeah, Legendary Weapons are definetly the worst.

Basically, use these things at projectiles and grab a stick. Yeah. A stick.

First Place (2)
Yep. Another one of these. Except there's only one winner. Wtf dudes. Nailbat. Nobody likes it. Two people hate it. What a wasteful weapon. Karifean puts it quite well.

Nailbat. What's the point?

What, indeed, is the point? I could tell you, but that would ruin the surprise. Suffice to say though, that if a zombie outbreak were to occur (who am I kidding, when it occurs) then a nailbat would be far more useful than you seem to think. smurf materia growth, kill baddies.

[Jiro]

We've reached the part of our programme where we need to hand out a very special award. Please brace yourselves, try to contain your excitement and following the inevitable pants-wetting, please wipe down your seat because it is time for the Official Census "I'm Not A Douchebag" Award. The winner of this excellent and prestigious award, which is rarely handed out because you're all douchebags, just so happens to be me Wolf Kanno.

Congratulations on not being a douchebag and thank you kindly for all the hard work you put in to set up the Census and give Vivi22 and I an opportunity to tear shreds off everyone, yourself included. Thank you also for providing generally acceptable answers, although a few times in there I've wondered if you're just pretending to not have the wrong opinion but we'll let it slide because for now you're a champion!

[Bubba]

Ooops... there is a strong possibility that I may have completed this census whilst intoxicated.

My apologies for the ridiculousness of my answers so far. I have a hazy recollection of typing these after a night out. I vow to take the next census much more seriously

I will confine any such future drunken babbling to the 'Drunk Thread' or #EOFF... maybe...