Marick D. Pauper Plays The Political Machine 2012!!!!!

[Dignified Pauper]

At This Point, We've Just Lost Track

Campaign spirits are discouraged at this point:



The media just keeps hammering us.

Time to bust out the trump card...



That's right! We're gonna start calling him a Muslin! Ain't no Muslin gonna take God outta our schools, off our money, or outta our lives! What better place to spread God's wrath than in California!

While we're here:



Ah, that's nice. We can always count on Hollywood conservatives to give generously. Thank you Ben Stein.

Also, how can our business leaders promote job growth!



Via higher taxes, he is crippling job creators!

Oh crap! We almost forgot we had a 3:30 event booked in Texas...



This just in: Texans are half as generous as Californians.

And then we had to fly back to Cali... our work wasn't done:

More importantly:



It's a battleground state! Let's capitalize on our ever increasing popularity!



That was fun, but we have a speaking event scheduled back in Cleveland!



About Unemployment. This is serious! We need to put our economy in God's hands. Get government out of the way, and just pray the recession away!



Stinginess is not next to Godliness...

I decided to let Paul Ryan move over to Cali to battle Nanci Pelosi.



Beatrice keeps asking: "Marick, why does the map have so much more blue?"

I assure her that everything changes near the end of the election...

Instead I convince her to:



We just need more money. That BurrrockroBrama just keeps making money like crazy.

And now, off to Wisconsin:



We need to oppose oppressive labor and state unions that threaten to run up state budget deficits. The theme in Wisconsin is that Scott Walker is close to God, so he must be right.

However, what we found out is that the Wisconsinians (?) have donated all their spare money to the church that they barely had anything left over for us:



Running low on funds, we high tail it back to our bank: California.



Our work in Wisconsin didn't pay off:



Beatrice is alarmed at our results, but I assured her that everything is fine. We're just getting ready to launch a surprise attack that no one suspects...

Then she threw this on my desk:



I had to admit, the polls didn't look good. But I assured her that the polls were just that, polls. They didn't accurately reflect public opinion. We still had plenty of time... I think.



Oh no! We're almost out of time!

[escobert]

Well you obviously need to do more campaigning in Vermont! Did you even go to NH?

[Madame Adequate]

This is gonna be good!

[Jiro]

Oh trout man. Better start praying. Those dirty Democrats are going to make our great nation into a godless, faggot loving hell on earth!

[The Man]

You mean they haven't already?

[Dignified Pauper]

Finale!



OH MY GOODNESS! THE WIRE!!!

We have to WIN CALIFORNIA FROM THE GODLESS LIBERALS!!!



There's not an alternative! If we can take California, we may not win, but we will have the moral victory!



Time to go back to our HQ back in Colorado! We're going to throw the biggest party of the campaign, and win or lose, we'll still be drinking the blood of Christ.



Oh, and this is a map of where we are well known...



And here are the national polls:



(I didn't realize that random electoral votes would dramatically mess things up... Some states had like 70, and some really populated ones were super low.... everything was randomized... whoops.)


As the results came in:



We knew we lost New England. We only went to New York once... We didn't go to any other state...



The next batch of states started setting the tone. Beatrice was clinging to her Bible and speaking in tongues.. We were all a little worried.

Then...



A shining beacon of hope in the South!!! We were going to win!



And a few more states go RED!



And two more! Beatrice, renewed with piss and vinegar, started praising Jesus' name!



TAKE THAT! MICHIGAN, HOME OF AUTO WORKERS, LOVES US!



Who knew you had to campaign in all these southern states to win them...?



Or those Midwestern states...



Oh, but we won Texas. Everything is bigger in Texas.

We're picking up votes!



Our presence in the West was much more pronounced...





We're still behind... no way to catch up... Beatrice Stone called President Brock Hussiny NoBama. We're crushed, some of us tear up.

We even lost Alaska...



The Final Map:



Then came the brutal part:



The public concession to America, to our campaign, to the world. This nation had abandoned God, and in doing so, damned itself to more spending, the killing of seniors, gay marriage and forced abortions!







-FIN-

[Freya]

Awww poor Beatrice

[Raistlin]

You did as bad as McCain/Palin.

Just so we're clear, Pauper was only able to accomplish about as much as a campaign involving Sarah Palin.

[Jiro]

Dammit man! What are we going to become with these heathens leading God's people on the path to hell again!? YOU HAVE DOOMED US ALL.

[Old Manus]

Hang on now...


You finished a thread?

[Dignified Pauper]

Hang on now...


You finished a thread?

Now where is my Recognized Member Title?

[Psychotic]

Marick finishing a thread is the only shred of proof that the Mayans were right about 2012 as far as I am concerned.

[Jiro]

Is the game weighted any? I mean, are those scumbag democrats going to win no matter what you do?

[Dignified Pauper]

No. I won a second game when I picked Ron Paul as Veep and didn't randomize everything. I was also running against Al Franken

[The Man]

The lesson of this story is that Ron Paul would have been a much better VP choice than Paul Ryan was.