FF5 Revisited!

[Citizen Bleys]

Citizen Bleys Presents

A Bastardly Production

In Association with The Devil's Jockstrap

FF5 Revisited!

I'm sure that by now you are all familiar with the concept of a pictorial playthrough, as popularized by Something Awful's "Let's Play" series. This is the same idea, with a twist: I'll be taking you through a modified version of the game, The Devil's Jockstrap's FF5Spoof. Unlike most spoofs, Tzepish's masterpiece is not just FF5 + poop and gay jokes, but an actual re-imagining of the game, with jokes that are funny even if you're not twelve, a coherent storyline, and believable characters.

But wait, you ask, what is to stop me from simply downloading the spoof myself and playing through? Well, sure, you could do that -- and in fact, should, in order to see all of Tzep's material -- but then you'd be denying yourself the pleasure of my sparkling repartee.

Full disclosure: in order to keep this thread going at a steady pace so that people don't get bored and stop reading while I grind, I'm going to be cheating like a freaking maniac. I can play the game for fun on my own time--this runthrough is for the amusement value.

So, in order to remain true to SA's paradigm, we'll start from the beginning, and pause here to allow all of you to choose the name for our hero. If I don't see anything good or popular within 24 hours, I'm just going to pick the name myself. In fact, I do not promise not to just name him something ridiculous like Hitler or Spock in spite of everything you bastards say

<img src="http://www.bastardly.org/bleys/ff5sp/0nameSelect.jpg" width=640 height=480

[Gamblet]

Skank

[Sephex]

Lisaz.

[Del Murder]

Unne.

[Madonna]

CAPTN, CAPT'N, Captain, or however you can fit it in. I will also accept JUDAS.

[Citizen Bleys]

Finally, a good suggestion. Unne it is.

First post isn't going to go as far into the game as I expected, cause I accumulated a *lot* more screenshots than anticipated.

As we begin, something is rotten in the state of Tycoon. Tycoon is known as the Kingdom of Wind in spite of the fact that it is surrounded by mountains and therefore experiences almost no wind whatsoever. Still, the King knows something is up...

|

Fortunately for the King, there's a new sheriff in town

oh crap we're in trouble

And what do heroes do? RESCUE DAMSELS IN DISTRESS, OF COURSE. Not that Lenna was really in any danger, but...was she?



Yet the plot thickens! By the rock there's a strange old man with a wand'ring eye and a withered hand, who has lost his memory. And, apparently, his marbles.



And so, our heroes set off in search of adventure! Well, in search of Galuf's marbles, anyways. But of course, it can't be that easy. They have to encounter pirates.


can't fault that reasoning

What is a hero to do when faced with pirates? Why, steal their ship, of course! What could possibly go wrong?


Right. That.

Mysteriously, though, the following day the pirate captain refrains from having them killed. Fortunately, the captain is stupid. Unfortunately, so are our heroes.



The captain's mercy comes at a price, however -- our heroes have to help him loot the wind shrine! A vulnerable target it is, too, populated as it is exclusively by drugged out monks and scholars.


This guy will definitely make it into the SAS

Well, Captain Faris will be satisfied as long as they still get to steal the Crystal of Wind--it's worth bags of money!


Bugger.

True to standard fictional operating procedure, the crystal then proceeds to zap them with a death ray which instead of killing them, gives them superpowers. Surely they will use these powers for good! Well...sort of good. A little good? Faris's vote is for evil.



Well, so much for that heist. Our intrepid heroes now travel to Tule village, not for any specific reason, but because it's the only other place in the universe they have access to, and only there can they learn the things they must know to control their newfound powers....such as:



But surely some wise old sensei will take them under his wing and teach them the ropes, right? Of course!


Ah, the instant acceptance and generosity of small communities

Of course, with such a peaceful interlude, one cannot help but fill in some backstory so the player gets to know the characters a little better:


Now, just in case the player is too stupid to figure out that they're supposed to go to the only place left in the universe they have access to...


Being video game characters, they don't understand the absurdity of these kinds of little monologues

nevermind

As veteran FF5 players, I'm sure you are all looking forward to the big reveal when we learn that Faris is a wo...wait, what?


Stay tuned next time, same bat time, same bat channel!

[Del Murder]

This is the best thread.

[Gamblet]

This funny.

[Madonna]

I think these dialogue boxes are being edited.

[Citizen Bleys]

*facepalm*

[Raistlin]

Still not as funny as Frig7.

*flees*

Actually I love the dialogue, and will have to give this version a playthrough of my own at some point. Damn Jews!

[Sephex]

This was awesome. Best playthrough thingamajig on here since FFIV: The Power of Cheese!

Thingamajig is also okay by Firefox standards.

[Goldenboko]

Oh man, reading this reminds me I really, really, really, really need to beat this game, but my DS is loaned out.

[Madonna]

Ohhhhhhh, I get it; the original text was edited out in a ROM and someone made up a whole lot of nonsense, like Beeblebabe's Fake Subs for Advent Children. Man, those subs were effing amazing.

"There were explosions!"
"I ducked."

[Citizen Bleys]

Chapter Two: The Kingdom of Water

As we left our intrepid band of thieves, they were washed up on a busted up ship. There was a brief encounter where a lamia tried to eat everyone's soul, but it was boring so I'm leaving it out. Short chapter today, I need sleep. Perhaps I'll do some longer ones on the weekend.

Washed up on a far shore, they find themselves nearby a new city. What kind of strange and wonderful people inhabit it, I wonder?


Oh, Jesus Christ!

Fortunately, there were a few people sober enough to be aware of the world around them


Off to the mountain, then, to rescue the dragon! Surely, this will be a simple matter with no risk involved!


...what.

Faris to the rescue! In one tall bound, he leaps the boundless chasm, and...


oops



A very easy battle ensues, then...



Naturally, the dragon requires rescuing. Good thing Lenna's dumber than a box of hair!



Now nothing stands between our heroes and their destination at Walse!
Naturally, they receive a warm reception:


And in addition to a warm inn in a place where people speak intelligible english, there's a mysterious monster to be sought out:


That certainly sounds like something we should investigate immediately. This is a good idea. This is definitely a good idea


Crap.

After recovering from their fatal beating, our heroes seek out the King of the Kingdom of Water, who has some problems of his own:


But before the King can render aid, a meteor falls to the north, near where the Crystal of Water is kept! Of course, the rampaging beast in the tower tears through professional soldiers of Walse, necessitating a rescue effort by...a bunch of vagrants. This makes perfect sense.


Future chairman of PETA

It seems the elephant thing is a little bit more fluent in violence than Mr. Chairman, though, so it falls to Unne and Co. to save the day. But what's this? As the Warrior limps away dying, he calls Galuf by name! Could he know something about the old man's past?


Or that.

Another shattered crystal, another batch of mad superpowers. I'm starting to think that our party should just run around breaking the crystals on purpose until they become supreme beings. As long as they don't get themselves caught in one of Walse's many fl...


Goddammit.

Next update: A Trial By Fire. Keep the comments coming, people, I need the last post to be by someone other than me in order to post the next chapter!