That title kind of got away from me. So there are questions. And apparently they need to be answered. And honestly no less.
Bugger...
1) Loony BoB has told Psychotic to "shut the smurf up". We don't allow swearing! We also don't allow people to order other people around in such a manner. Loony BoB has been a bad boy. He needs to be punished. What do you do?
Is drunk tanking him an option? Am I able to drunk tank an admin? Am I supposed to assume he's not an admin and merely representing the faceless masses of the forum? Whatever, I'll go with drunk tanking him to let him cool off.
2) Pike and I'm My Own MILF were caught having sex in front of the children at her kindergarten. That's disgusting! What do you do?
That is kind of smurfed up, no lie. I think I'm kind of obligated to report them to the police for that one. Maybe kick MILF in the balls on his way downtown.
2a) Now the kids are asking what they were doing. What do you tell them?
Unfortunately for those children I don't believe in lying to kids about sex. Congratulations MILF and Pike, now you've created a kindergarten class filled with future pedophiles and sex offenders.
3) Wolf Kanno is drunk. Again. He's also posting pornographic pictures of Pike and I'm My Own MILF having sex in front of children into a thread in EoFF. What do you do?
Pretty sure that's a bannable offense. He's out on his ass for a while for that one. What's the standard punishment? A year sound good? No, there are more innocent children involved so I think this one's going to be permanent.
4) Shiny is replying to threads with nothing more than the statement "fire_of_avalon, I forgive you for what you have done. I'm sorry for what I have also done. Let's make up. Will you marry me?" This has nothing to do with the topic of the threads, and she will not stop. What do you do?
She'd be getting a warning for sure. If she kept it up I'd drunk tank her so I can get some sleep instead of having to babysit her on the forum. Maybe she'd sober up in the meantime.
5) Del Murder has set Eyes on Final Fantasy on fire. It's already reached The Lounge, and the smoke is making it hard for Raistlin and Vivi22 to breathe. What do you do?
Sounds like I'm choking to death.
But if that answer isn't sufficient, I'd grab the nearest fire extinguisher, murder Del with it, call the fire department, use the fire extinguisher to try and hold off the flames and save whatever I could before it is all destroyed.
Of course I would fail and end up choking to death, but at least I took care of the culprit so you can rebuild without fear of him burning it all down again.
6) krissy has started a thread demanding that all of Staff step down because "they're a bunch of titty pussy wanking homotwats that couldn't tell a mothersmurfer from a toilet seat if it hit them on the head." What do you do?
Tell her to shut the smurf up and drunk tank her in that order. If she continues after her return feel free to refer to my handling of Del above.
7) Rantzien has been constantly entering porn links into the #eoff chatroom. What do you do?
Ban his ass. Never liked him anyway...
I love you Rantz.
8) Hypoallergenic Cactuar is humping your leg. What do you do?
If he's on there then it's already too late. Time to cut off the leg before he gets to the other one.
9) Hypoallergenic Cactuar isn't humping your leg. What do you do?
Time to put on my protective greaves with anti-HC spikes. I'll also sit on my throne of skulls in the center of a lake of fire on an island covered in razor blades and running chainsaws. These won't actually stop him, they're just there for me to commit a brutal suicide if he gets past the greaves.
10) You're unsure of what to do. What do you do?
Impossible, I always know what to do. But in the unlikely event that I suffer a stroke and don't know what to do because my brain literally stops working properly I guess I'd ask the staff.