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Thread: The funniest product reviews you've ever read!

  1. #1
    Put the bloody gubs in the crev. Free Edgar 2014 Steve's Avatar
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    Default The funniest product reviews you've ever read!

    Ok this might seem like it belongs in the Lounge but believe me it doesn't. We've all read some funny reviews for products before and this is where we ought to share it. Now the language in this following quote is devoid of swearing but there are some terms which may be considered NSFW so consider yourself warned.

    Quote Originally Posted by guy on amazon reviewing Veet for men
    After having been told my danglies looked like an elderly Rastafarian I decided to take the plunge and buy some of this as previous shaving attempts had only been mildly successful and I nearly put my back out trying to reach the more difficult bits. Being a bit of a romantic I thought I would do the deed on the missus's birthday as a bit of a treat. I ordered it well in advance and working in the North Sea I considered myself a bit above some of the characters writing the previous reviews and wrote them off as soft office types...Oh my fellow sufferers how wrong I was. I waited until the other half was tucked up in bed and after giving some vague hints about a special surprise I went down to the bathroom. Initially all went well and I applied the gel and stood waiting for something to happen. I didn’t have long to wait. At first there was a gentle warmth which in a matter of seconds was replaced by an intense burning and a feeling I can only describe as like being given a barbed wire wedgie by two people intent on hitting the ceiling with my head. Religion hadn't featured much in my life until that night but I suddenly became willing to convert to any religion to stop the violent burning around the turd tunnel and what seemed like the destruction of the meat and two veg. Struggling not to bite through my bottom lip I tried to wash the gel off in the sink and only succeeded in blocking the plughole with a mat of hair. Through the haze of tears I struggled out of the bathroom across the hall into the kitchen, by this time walking was not really possible and I crawled the final yard to the fridge in the hope of some form of cold relief. I yanked the freezer drawer out and found a tub of ice cream, toe the lid off and positioned it under me.
    The relief was fantastic but only temporary as it melted fairly quickly and the fiery stabbing returned. Due to the shape of the ice cream tub I hadn’t managed to give the starfish any treatment and I groped around in the draw for something else as I was sure my vision was going to fail fairly soon. I grabbed a bag of what I later found out was frozen sprouts and tore it open trying to be quiet as I did so. I took a handful of them and and tried in vain to clench some between the cheeks of my arse. This was not doing the trick as some of the gel had found its way up the chutney channel and it felt like the space shuttle was running its engines behind me. This was probably and hopefully the only time in my life I was going to wish there was a gay snowman in the kitchen which should give you some idea of the depths I was willing to sink to in order to ease the pain. The only solution my pain crazed mind could come up with was to gently ease one of the sprouts where no veg had gone before. Unfortunately, alerted by the strange grunts coming from the kitchen the other half chose that moment to come and investigate and was greeted by the sight of me, arse in the air, strawberry ice cream dripping from my bell end pushing a sprout up my arse while muttering “ooooohhh that feels good” Understandably this was a shock to her and she let out a scream and as I hadn’t heard her come in it caused an involuntary spasm of shock in myself which resulted in the sprout being ejected at quite some speed in her direction. I can understand that having a sprout fired against your leg at 11 at night in the kitchen probably wasn’t the special surprise she was expecting and having to explain to the kids the next day what the strange hollow in the ice cream was didn’t improve my status…so to sum it up, VEET REMOVES HAIR , DIGNITY , AND SELF RESPECT
    I'm literally dying, I cannot breathe for laughing right now!

  2. #2
    Nameleon. Huckleberry Quin's Avatar
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    Look up Bic Pens for Women.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Flambard D'Quinceteth View Post
    Look up Bic Pens for Women.
    Hilarious Amazon Reviewers Take on Bic's Stupid, Sexist 'For Her' Women's Pens


    "... and so I close, realizing that perhaps the ending has not yet been written."


  4. #4
    Shlup's Retired Pimp Raistlin's Avatar
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    The reviews for some "high-end" cables (aka scams) are often hilarious.

    We live underground. We speak with our hands. We wear the earplugs all our lives.

    PLEASE! You must listen! We cannot maintain the link for long... I will type as fast as I can.

    DO NOT USE THE CABLES!

    We were fools, fools to develop such a thing! Sound was never meant to be this clear, this pure, this... accurate. For a few short days, we marveled. Then the... whispers... began.

    Were they Aramaic? Hyperborean? Some even more ancient tongue, first spoken by elder races under the red light of dying suns far from here? We do not know, but somehow, slowly... we began to UNDERSTAND.

    No, no, please! I don't want to remember! YOU WILL NOT MAKE ME REMEMBER! I saw brave men claw their own eyes out... oh, god, the screaming... the mobs of feral children feasting on corpses, the shadows MOVING, the fires burning in the air! The CHANTING!

    WHY CAN'T I FORGET THE WORDS???

    We live underground. We speak with our hands. We wear the earplugs all our lives.

    Do not use the cables!
    As an UCLA Engineering Alumni, I was taught that digital signals either reach the destination or don't. There's nothing in between and there's no such thing as a "better signal". However, after my fellow audiophile buddies kept pushing me to have "faith" in cables, I gave it a try. After spending almost $300 on this HDMI cord, I was transformed and nominated for the next Nobel Peace Award.

    The cable was too fast it beamed me to a parallel universe altogether. There, I used the sound of words flowing through these magical, Chinese-made copper to convince Ahmadinejad to give up its nuclear program and make peace with Israel. Middle East became the most peaceful place on Earth. Kim Jong Un was ready to democratize its state and welcomed the South in warm arms. Cuba declared itself the 51st states of United States of America. After listening to the music flowing through those cables, criminals burst into tears and became model citizens. As I dip those cables into water, it turned the water into dark energy and a cup of which was able to power the entire earth for a year with no pollution. The Inconvenient Truth turned into The Convenient Magic and I was personally thanked by former Vice President Al Gore.

    However, I don't recall any improvement in either the audio or visual experience with those cables.

  5. #5
    (charm)anders was right Pike's Avatar
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    Olympic Mascots Wenlock Policeman Figurine: Amazon.co.uk: Toys & Games

    I DON'T KNOW WHAT EVERYONE ELSE IS TALKING ABOUT, THIS IS A GREAT TOY, IT IS FUN TO PLAY WITH AND MAKES ME FEEL help me PROUD TO BE BRITISH. IT IS MODERN IN DESIGN AND it's watching me REPRESENTS ALL THAT IS GREAT ABOUT OUR COUNTRY AND THE OLYMPIC GAMES WHICH WILL BE GREAT please THE IOC ARE DOING A FANTASTIC JOB AND OF COURSE SOME PEOPLE ARE GOING TO MAKE SOME MONEY OUT OF IT, BUT THAT'S FINE BECAUSE it's going to take my pets away THAT'S THE WAY OF THE WORLD THESE DAYS. WHAT'S SO WRONG ABOUT MCDONALDS I SAY AND COKE THEY i don't want to die ARE TASTY. IN CONCLUSION YOU SHOULD BUY ONE.

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    Famine Wolf Cid's Knight Sephex's Avatar
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    I always loved this one (not embedding because of size and language):1225159153136.png picture by Sephex - Photobucket

    Aside from one of the posters trying too hard, I love the way it flowed.

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    Dat Ace Ace Protorney's Avatar
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    I am just... that ace!

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