Chopping down trees with axes. Stubble. Hairy chests. Moustaches.
Refusing to ask for directions while driving or at the store. Cigars. Guns. Grilling steaks. Calling Top Gun gay but secretly lusting after Tom Cruise's sweaty beach body. Sparta. Musk. Bacon. Drinking from the carton. Road House. Tom Selleck. Fishing (sport only - fish meat is practically a vegetable). Taking a detour at the movie theaters to go to the arcade. Die Hard. Changing motor oil yourself. Burt Reynolds. Beer. Sports. Beer and sports. Wrestling. Pretending to be a samurai when you get any sword-like object in your hands. Rush. Scotch, bourbon, whiskey. And finally,
Manhood. Manliness. Masculinity. Which of you are qualified to be named
Agent Proto
Proto is first up on our list. He may look calm and well-mannered on the outside but don't let him fool you. This guy is smooth like butter but cuts to kill. He is our metaphorical Spike Spiegel - just that suave.
Citizen Bleys
Bleys is our metaphorical Sean Connery here. Look at how suave he is - a real man's man. Did you know that Bleys once seduced The Queen? The bonus to this matchup is that if you read everything Bleys says with Connery's accent his posts become 100% better.
Cuchulainn
Cuch is a special one and thus deserves a special metaphorical representation. Duke Nukem is a resident badass with those fortunate enough to be familiar of his character. Watch your step or he'll plow you down. He drank Legolas under the table at a bar once, but is too ashamed to tell anyone that he went to a bar with Legolas and thus never claimed his victory, something I aim to remedy with this speech.
Del Murder
It was only appropriate that we use Al Pacino here representing Del Murder for this award. Did you know that the reason Murder's identity is so concealed is because he's a member of the actual mafia? Did you also know that the reason Miriel said yes to his proposal was because
he made her an offer she couldn't refuse?
Happy Noodle Boy
The movie of 300 was actually based on Happy Noodle Boy's doings to free his Italian people from slavery? If it sounds impossible or incorrect, think again, oh ye of little faith. Happy Noodle Boy's name may sound deceiving, but he will kick you into the pit of death faster than you can say "THIS IS SPAR-"
Let that be a lesson to you.
I'm my own MILF
MILF is silent but deadly, like a horrible fart. Also, there are three sexual positions that have been named after him (and two satellites, we but don't care about those as much). One of the positions is called Crown in Parliament and was invented during MILF's close encounter with Maggie Thatcher.
Jiro
Don Draper is a man with class and sexiness, so it's only fair that he is Jiro's representation. A real man's man he is. Many of you may not know this, but Jiro regularly wrestles alligators on the weekend as a part of his manliness strength training. Spoiler: he always wins.
Jowy
is this... am I doing it right?
getting closer
here we go
Jowy is a man's man if there ever was one, and that's why he is our metaphorical Hercules. Full of honor and pride and enthusiasm for slapping steaks on the grill during the weekend. Did you see the smurfing beard he grew for Movember? Fun fact: Jowy didn't have to forcefully obtain the girdle of Hippolyta, Queen of the Amazons. She willingly handed it over after having some love-time in her Amazonian shack.
Levian.
Levian, not unlike George Clooney, is like a fine wine - he just gets better with age (the above photo is a solid reminder of this). Levian is classy, manly and ripped. Beware, though. His manliness comes with a price - Levian is so manly that wherever he goes, he turns waves of the male population gay. Watch yourself around him.
Loony BoB
Do you want to mess with Loony BoB? Do ya, punk? Loony BoB is a hoard of walking manliness which is why he is paired up with Clint Eastwood. Loony BoB will smurfing end you. What's more manly than being an administrator on a Final Fantasy forum? Answer:
Nothing.
Psychotic
Have you ever wondered why Psychotic is so in love with thunderdoming people? It's because he looks up so much to Hulk Hogan, one of the manliest men there are. Look at the way he's ripping his shirt off. Look at him. Are you picturing Psy's face instead of Hulk Hogan's face? Because you ought to. Psychotic is so manly that he will take down women like it ain't no thing. There is photographic proof of this floating around somewhere.
Quinter Wonderland
I know that when you folks think of Quin, the first thing that pops into your head is Liam Neeson and how they're so alike, so
dangerous. Quin likes to relax by sitting down in a luxurious chiffon chair and scratching his back with a live bear because he lives in the face of danger. There isn't much else that's more manly than that.
Rantz
If Samuel L. Jackson and Babe don't align in your mind together, something is wrong with you. Babe is the biggest, baddest mothersmurfer of them all. Swedish, lumberjack, whale-worshipping, bootay-loving, ballet-dancing - there is no quality about Babe that doesn't make him the most manly man here. He blows all of you straight out of the water with his manliness and eats the rest of the contenders here for breakfast.
Roogle
Do you know why Roogle is here being represented by Indiana Jones? Because he gets trout done. He wears the pants around here. He follows through. He even has a bullwhip and a hat, but those don't come out until the lights go off. He is everywhere and knows everything about everyone. Don't mess with him or he will take you down in more ways than you know.
Sephex
You might ask yourself, does it get more manly than Solid Snake? Answer: no, it does not. Sephex brings that here to us at EoFF, oozing manliness out of every single pore in his body. Did you know that Sephex once rocked out so hard that every woman within a mile's radius got knocked up with demon babies? The town of Wickemaw, Texas will never be the same again.
Vivi22
You good people of EoFF might not have knowin this until now, but Vivi22 is the embodiment of Strider. Fierce, loyal, honorable. Don't cross this man or you will find yourself in a world of hurt faster than you can say Jack Robinson. Vivi brings his waves of justice and light all over the forums and is an excellent contender for this award (even if he's wrong in thinking that space is better than the ocean). Fun fact: Vivi got all his badassery from his true biological father, Patrick Swayze, lord rest his soul.
streme Wheelie
Recognized Member
Originally Posted by Shorty
Chopping down trees with axes. Stubble. Hairy chests. Moustaches. Beards. Refusing to ask for directions while driving or at the store. Cigars. Guns. Grilling steaks. Calling Top Gun gay but secretly lusting after Tom Cruise's sweaty beach body. Sparta. Musk. Bacon. Drinking from the carton. Road House. Tom Selleck. Fishing (sport only - fish meat is practically a vegetable). Taking a detour at the movie theaters to go to the arcade. Die Hard. Changing motor oil yourself. Burt Reynolds. Beer. Sports. Beer and sports. Wrestling. Pretending to be a samurai when you get any sword-like object in your hands. Rush. Scotch, bourbon, whiskey. And finally, Manowar.
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