EoFF News Headlines

[chionos]

Europe's most notorious peeping tom caught with his pants down!

^15/4/2028 - Daniel Cities, a.k.a. Loony BoB, a.k.a. petmaichocomeat3487, was nabbed by police outside a neighbor's home late Saturday evening. Said Cities, "I was just scratching an itch!" Mr. Cities has been connected with a string of crimes stretching from San Francisco to Edinburgh to Tokyo.

Witnesses report a man with pale spindly legs in an anatomically correct latex chocobo suit (chocobo's the weird bird thing from the once-popular Final Fantasy series). Cities is connected to over 70,000 sex-crimes worldwide, including sexual assault and bestiality in Tokyo when he attempted to mount SuperSquareEnixUnlimited Co.'s genetically engineered Chocobo, Hiroguchi. Other charges include Frotteurism, Public Urination, and Indecent Exposure.

Inspector Paul Braggadocio, who was first assigned to the Peeping Chocobo case nearly 20 years ago, spoke to reporters.

Mr. Cities is finally behind bars where he belongs. I only regret that he slipped through my grasp the first time. But I stuck with it because I'm awesome, and I took him down. We were just waiting for the right moment. We've been watching his movements for months, and this is the first time he left the house in the suit. I hope you can all see how great I am for taking care of this menace. I'm humbled by the amount of awesome I am, and I want you to know how very appreciative I am of you plebites being so far below me in intelligence and wit that it looks easy when I do what I do. I want to thank all the victims for taking one for the team as it were. I couldn't have been this amazing without your collective failures. I mean really. How do you not catch a man in a fat yellow bird suit? Just push him over and wait for the police to arrive. But again, thank you, and you're smurfing welcome.

Mr. Cities is being held under 24-hour suicide watch with bail set at 34 billion euros.

This just in, Del Murder murdered by Dell employee during initial court proceedings of popular Dell vs. Del Murder case. Police are not releasing details, but The Izon Interrogator spoke to an anonymous source inside the court room who said the employee was seen talking to Mr. Murder's wife, now widow, before the proceedings began.

Years later:

Mrs. Murder née Miriel, speaking to Oprah 2.0. "Yeah Oprah, I had that mothersmurfer killed. You hear "Enforce her? I barely knew her!" one too many times and you just snap.