You know, guys, they make hats that protect your eyes from the night-gunk. If you were to embrace the hat, then you too would be protected.

In the third chapter of St. Vivacious Vixen Tooty Toot the apostle:

"And the Heavenly Cap spake unto me and said,

'Don thy cap, for the evil one will flee thy presence in the night, and will not fill thy eyes with gunk, and will not touch thy private parts without thy permission.'

And I fell to my knees and shielded my eyes from the glory of the Hat on High, and said unto Him,

'Most Cunning and Caring Chapeau, wherewith shall I find the courage to wear mine hat in the night. For I am most unworthy of thy Call.'

And the Lord of Headgear spake once more unto me, saying, 'All are worthy to partake of my Cunning. I give unto each a measure of the glory of the Celestial Hat, wherewith thou shalt don thy cap with thine own fingers and thou shalt doff thy hat in the presence of beauty, which is a reflection of mine own self. And I shall watch over you in the night time, and see that the evil one, whose name is Tifa's Boobs, does not fill thine eyes with gunk, nor wee on thy chest.'

And the Lord cleared mine eyes of gunk, and set my hand on the proper path of donning mine unique Cunning Cap, and the clouds didst part, and I saw the gates of Heaven were two Golden Caps, and atop every tree lining the Celestial roadway a Tam-o'-Shanter rested sidelong, and atop the Celestial mountain a great red and orange woolen hat showed unto all the land and gave its glory unto each creature, and its tassels shook against the mountain like drums and gave unto me the wondrous awe of the Lord, and just as I thought my eyes would melt from the hat's glory or my heart burst from sheer force of Classiness, the Celestial Candescence enter once more unto Heaven, and the clouds came together once more. But on my head sat the emblem of the Hat Most High, and I so went out among the people to share the glorious news of the Cunning Cap, and miracles were wrought and there was much rejoicing."