How objective could an objectionably objective objector object if an objectionably objective objector could objectionably object?
I don't even know. But these people would know. They would sit down and consider all of the possibilities, and then they would consider more possibilities, because there is no such thing as being too objective. Truth demands sacrifice!
Truth doesn't always demand sacrifice! Do not deal in incorrect absolutes!
Geez, tough crowd. Anyway, let's look at our nominees...
Agent Proto
He has been around forever, giving him the wizened, sage-like objectivity associated only with the most intelligent and white-beardy of men.
Agent Proto has no beard, and is not nearly old enough to be considered a sage!
This trout is gonna get old quick if you do it after everything I say.
Del Murder
Being the head of a crime syndicate isn't easy, and Del Murder has had to make some tough decisions in the only way how: by removing the personal element and working towards objective success.
Those allegations about involvement in organised crime are unsubstantiated and unproven!
Hoo boy...
Flying Mullet
Have you seen the glasses-wearing mullet-sporting Chadmonkey lately? He is objectively one of the most objective people. He climbs canyons to gain a different perspective and then ignores warnings and climbs them again just in case things are different.
Climbing those mountains was a one-time thing and he demonstrates no other such attempts to gain other perspectives, instead opting to live his life one race at a time!
Loony BoB
Utilising the meditative powers of Wood, Loony BoB sees all and hears all, allowing him to make the most informed decisions possible. He, uh, has Wood a lot
.and is also a git
Loony BoB uses that wood for inappropriate reasons, not meditation!
Mister Adequate
Commanding legions of soldiers in the greatest conflicts known to mankind is not something that can be down without incredible foresight and objectivity. He has to contemplate every outcome before victory can be achieved.
HE NUKES HIS OWN PEOPLE!
Pike
She has become (is!) a hyper intelligent AI operating through a local organic platform known as Pike, but her
true name is her designation: P1K3
5t9ff. She is able to process all sensory information instantly, and upload herself into human databases in order to obtain all knowledge. I mean, ALL KNOWLEDGE.
Why would an artificial intelligence write a delightful children's book about steampunk dragons which is good reading no matter your age if she had obtained all knowledge!?
Peegee
He's Peegee, desu.
Raistlin
He is a lawyer, which makes him a pinnacle of objectivity. He seeks justice for all, and all must be brought to justice!
Nobody said he was a good lawyer!
The Man
Freed, with his insanely high quality music pumping, sits and thinks. He thinks about everything, and he masters it with his mind. They say he even mastered the ability to teleport to any location where his name is said three times...
The Man is not some kind of internet spirit, despite how widespread he might be! He is Fool's Gold, for crying out loud - there is no place less objective!
Yerushalmi
He does not stand for arrogance and ignorance, instead piercing the veil with word and wit. Yerushalmi is a knower, and his knowledge allows him to shape words into the ultimate and accurate truths.
He is nothing more than a man who works as an editor and has a distaste for WildRaubtier's poor humour!
I am so sick of all this goddamn objecting. Let's get to the actual reveal, shall we?
Originally Posted by Shorty
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