If you were a character in Suikoden...

[Pumpkin]

And the hero came to recruit you to his army, what kind of conditions would he have to meet?

I'd probably ask for a pie or something.

[Raistlin]

Mine would be the fetch quest to end all fetch quests. Your castle would need to be full-size before I even bothered talking to you, and I'd only be located deep in the Tinto Mines most annoying dungeon you already had to traverse once earlier in the game. You would have to come talk to me on at least two separate occasions to recruit me.

Remember that Sarah chick from S1 who wanted soap, so you had to make a number of little trades throughout the town to get soap, only to find out she had the stupid smurfing soap all along? That would be me, just throughout the entire world.

This would be my revenge for every annoying recruit throughout the series. HAH IT'S MY TURN NOW

[Tigmafuzz]

Constant supply of vodka and beef jerky.

[Shauna]

I'd probably be one of those ones who refuse to join until your army is of a reasonable size. I won't even look at you until you have at least 90 recruits.

[Pumpkin]

Ahaha, Raistlin would have the sidequest to end all sidequests and Shauna would make the sure the army is a decent size. I'm just like, "Some lemon meringue would be nice."

[Madame Adequate]

You'd have to bring me a number of increasingly obscure items with ever-poorer drop rates, and then come talk to me with a part of the main character and five cuties.

[sharkythesharkdogg]

A night of passion with Jeane. Unfortunately for the player, she would suffocate me under her giant boobs.

[Tigmafuzz]

with a part of the main character

Which part?

[NeoCracker]

A burrito and a blowjob.

[Spooniest]

Beat me at chess.

[Bunny]

In order to recruit me, your party would have to contain certain members. These members would have to have names that have first letters that, when put in the proper order, would spell out my name.

[Masamunemaster]

You would have to have a previous suikoden save file.

Or

Be able to save your most precious person from a mock kidnapping.

[escobert]

I demand women. Lots of them.