Let's Play Final Fantasy IV

[Spooniest]

Hello young people! I'm being forced to take a vacation from turning over the tables of the moneychangers in the temple under threat of incarceration, so I figured I'd relax for a spell and produce a let's play here for ya! This time I'm sticking with still images, because videos are a pain in the butt.

So without further adieu, I give you

SPOONIEST PLAYS FINAL FANTASY 4
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This game was my introduction to Final Fantasy. I first played this retranslated version in 1997, I think, when I first got the internet, and began immediately getting into emulation. Playing Final Fantasy with a keyboard like an idiot...

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Airships had long been a dream of mankind. But soon, like all mankind's gifts, it was used to create impossibly hot fantasy women (don't worry, we'll get to them).

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Soldier (holding cell phone): Sir! A text message from Lady Rosa! She wants to know if you remembered to pick up her Hi Potions while you were in Mysidia.

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Cecil: Ugh...tell her I'll get 'em in Agart and that I love her and she's special, or something.

Soldier: Yes sir! (POW...Not on my ship)

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Soldier: ...I feel so violated

Spirits of Murdered Mysidians: Ehehehehehe...

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MODE 7 EFFECTS!!! IS A FLASHBACK! GET IT???

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Cecil: Hand over the crystal of (beep) (gets out phone) Hi Potions? NOW?! Ugh. Just kill everyone but the old guy, he looks like he'll be useful later.

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Rape and pillage to your heart's content! Kupo!

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Old Guy: You'll be getting a strongly worded letter from our lawyer, mister! I don't like your attitude!

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Soldiers: We gotta stick it to the man! Let's legalize Mysidia! UNITY!!!

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Cecil: Because Mysidia has annoying music, no women and bad food! That's reason enough to want to take the Water Crystal. Do you know it produces free bourbon?!

Soldiers: YES SIR! (POW...Not on my ship)

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There's a limit of 25 images per post, or something. I don't feel like futzing with it, so next time, Cecil completes his Picard speech For Evulz.

~ ii

[Spooniest]

We apologise for the delay in the completion of the presentation

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Soldier: (beep) Lady Rosa
Cecil: Not now!!

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So then they get some action going on to reassure the player that they're not going to be skipping through text boxes for all 40 hours it'll take them to play FF4.

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I wonder if this line was ever spoken in Star Wars? It's certainly a Star Trek staple.

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First up we fight some "Float Eyes." That's a meaningful name.

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Bailiff: Cecil, do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth?

Cecil: Yes, I do... ... ... ...you bastard.

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This guy sometimes gets an attack in, and sometimes does not. I used to think it was good luck if he missed.

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POW...Not on my ship

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Something is happening.

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CECIL'S AIRSHIP JUST LANDED ON THE PRISON OMG

- ii

[Psychotic]

Nice start, I'll be keeping my eye on this thread.

[Spooniest]

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I like to imagine Beigan as being played by George Takei. So that. Oh myyyy...

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Oh myyyy!

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Beigan: What's with the Hi Potions?
Cecil: ...

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Is there not a doorknob on that door, or is it just me?

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The King and Beigan need some alone time...oh myyyy!!

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Ah, Beigan. Come, whisper your secret information into my tender ears...

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King: Do you think it was the completely arbitrary orders I gave him to murder the Mysidians and steal the Crystal of Water?
Beigan: ...Naaaah. He's just a prick.

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Here we see that Beigan's nose is buried so far up King Baron's ass that it's hard to tell where the two separate.

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SUCKER

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Why does this come off like they're checking the drug they've just bought to see if they're real? No matter how you cut it, King Baron's kind of creeping out here...geez.

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GUILTY CONSCIENCE IN TWO FRAMES OF ANIMATION

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Aaaaand here's where Cecil gets troutcanned.

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All of this would have been ok, I think, all things being equal. But...

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This gives Ol' King Baron the excuse he needs to utterly lose his trout.

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King Baron: You insolent little pile of monkey saliva!
Cecil: Your Majesty! ...(how do you pile saliva...?)...

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NEXT TIME: Cecil continues getting troutcanned.

[Psychotic]

Haha, I think you hit the nail on the head with the Takei thing.

[Spooniest]

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Totes troutcanned.

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Cecil seems to think that it's going to help to repeatedly say "Your Majesty," as though implying the majesticness of the King will somehow make up for all the crap he just said.

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King: Or Eidolons or Espers or whatever they're called, leave me and Beigan alone with our crystals!
Beigan: OH MYYY!!
Cecil: Your Majesty!

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And here we meet Cecil's bestie, the Dragon Knight Kain. His armor: badass. His cape: badass. His badassness: don't even @#$ing ask, you little @##$@

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King: STOP SAYING THAT!

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King: SILence!

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In the original SNES, it's the "Package," and on the DS it's the "Carnelian Signet." But in this case, Bomb is a summon, so it makes sense that you'd be taking a ring associated with a summon to a village of summoners. Either that, or Cecil and Kain are just too dumb to live.

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King: NO, YOUR MAJESTY @#$@#!!!

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Kain: Thanks for getting me fired along with you, dumbass. Did you have to keep saying "Your Majesty!!!" "Your Majesty!!!"???

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Always, ain't that right...in the SNES version, Kain launches into a tutorial, but J2e seems to have either dispensed with it to add more color text, or this is simply not present in the original Japanese. I don't know, I just work here.

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Next time: NOW ARE THE FOXES!

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(My wild and crazy configuration) ~ ii

[Spooniest]

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Welcome back to Let's Play FF4. It's time to examine a revolutionary plot device in RPGs at the time.

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The steady girlfriend. :3

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Rosa: And you got my Hi Potions right?
Cecil: (gives Rosa Hi Potions)
Rosa: Where's my change?
Cecil: (gives Rosa change)
Rosa: Where's my kiss?
Cecil: ... :*
Rosa: Good dog!

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Rosa: Oh, dear. And the music was terrible wasn't it?
Cecil: God yes!

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Cecil: What? Why are you yelling?
Rosa: I just like to yell! Sometimes!

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HUBBA FLUBBA WABBA ZABBA

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So here's where we meet this game's Cid.

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Correct me if I'm wrong, but this might be the youngest Cid in the series outside of FF2j. This time around, we go with the "blabbermouth old fart" angle. I don't know if this is meant to emphasize the fact that Cecil is pretty talkative as RPG heroes of that time go or what...

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And watch, he gets...

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Instantaneously interrupted and subjected to the entire life story of this guy who the player has just met and never expected to be reading such a huge wall of text in what's only a video game, right? Goodness, this is a lot of story. You get the feeling that there was some vast increase in the number of letters they could tell the game to store in its memory between now and FF3...oh wait there was! Final Fantasy IV was the first game released for the Super Nintendo (or Super Famicom, if you will).

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On the other hand, the maid knows how to keep her mouth shut.