It's my first time!

[Calliope]

After I submitted this to the PostSecret thread, Spuuky went out of town for the weekend and the server was being moved. Then a bunch of people in #eoff added me on Steam, and Nicolas gave me a copy of FFVII. I've officially run out of excuses not to try playing through a RPG, other than "I can't be bothered".

But until then, it might amuse the rest of you lot to witness me bungle through something you lot trounced fifteen years ago!

DAY ONE

Okay! So...everyone warned me about the graphics, but other than the grainy scenery and my inability to read any signs, it's not so bad. The characters are kind of cute, although it's funny to see how the pixelated versions differ so much from the cover/concept art.

WHAT THE HELL I am stuck on the "keyboard controls" page, and nothing will advance it. Umm, umm. Okay. Scotty in #eoff says to press something and...there we go. Okay, I made it!

Alright. Naming characters...I will name Cloud "Nico" as an homage to my benefactor and nod to myself. Cannot be bothered renaming anyone else as scrolling through the letters is a pain. Why do the characters talk so slowly? Why is there so much waiting and nodding and walking? Is this what you lot like to do all day?

Did Barrett just punch a civilian in the face for NO REASON?

YES I GOT MY FIRST ACHIEVEMENT LIMIT BREAK BOOM BOOM BOOM

The first reactor blew up fine. The second one...okay I thought I set it, but there's no timer. I'll try again. Okay nothing's happening still...#eoff says it just doesn't go like that - why? I guess I'll try navigate back to the train or whatever, hmm.

Hey, Dingo Jellybean posted a walkthrough on GameFaqs! That's cool, I'll probably need that later...

Yeah okay so Tifa totes has the hots for me, that's cool, I can deal. Now I'm helping Aeris for some reason..."Don't walk on the flowers!" THAT'S AN EOFF JOKE I GET IT NOW YOU GUYS!! Now...I'm pushing barrels. Why? And why is Aeris so utterly useless? "I'm going to keep putting myself in danger because I'm used to it! Never forget that I grew up in the slums, even though my mother has a perfectly nice house now". Way to become a self-fulfilling prophecy and avoid all accountability, lady!

So it seems like Cloud/Nico has some pretty bad PTSD, we'll see how that goes. Walking through the slums is pretty rubbish, I'm having a lot of difficulty trying to navigate, and I wish that dude in the pipe would just die. At least I stole 5 gil from a dumb little kid whose bedroom I get to walk around in for some reason. Nothing in this game is making any sense.

Oh Bloody hell, Aeris is becoming really co-dependent. I just tried to run out of her goddamn house after more flashbacks and she caught me, so now I have to sneak out like a little dog...and then she bloody found me anyway, acting all coy and trout. Gurrrl, I just wasted a hella lot of time escorting you back to safety and now you want to go back into danger so that I can go get a beer or something. Ugh.

Now I'm stuck in a market, listening to endless reggae music and not being able to read any of the signs. I keep talking to this loner dude in a bar/restaurant (if it's a bar, it's really poorly laid out and has no ambiance) but I don't think I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing. Where are all the chocobos and fighting things, you guys?

[Hollycat]

After I submitted this to the PostSecret thread, Spuuky went out of town for the weekend and the server was being moved. Then a bunch of people in #eoff added me on Steam, and Nicolas gave me a copy of FFVII. I've officially run out of excuses not to try playing through a RPG, other than "I can't be bothered".

But until then, it might amuse the rest of you lot to witness me bungle through something you lot trounced fifteen years ago!

DAY ONE

Okay! So...everyone warned me about the graphics, but other than the grainy scenery and my inability to read any signs, it's not so bad. The characters are kind of cute, although it's funny to see how the pixelated versions differ so much from the cover/concept art.

WHAT THE HELL I am stuck on the "keyboard controls" page, and nothing will advance it. Umm, umm. Okay. Scotty in #eoff says to press something and...there we go. Okay, I made it!

Alright. Naming characters...I will name Cloud "Nico" as an homage to my benefactor and nod to myself. Cannot be bothered renaming anyone else as scrolling through the letters is a pain. Why do the characters talk so slowly? Why is there so much waiting and nodding and walking? Is this what you lot like to do all day?

Did Barrett just punch a civilian in the face for NO REASON?

YES I GOT MY FIRST ACHIEVEMENT LIMIT BREAK BOOM BOOM BOOM

The first reactor blew up fine. The second one...okay I thought I set it, but there's no timer. I'll try again. Okay nothing's happening still...#eoff says it just doesn't go like that - why? I guess I'll try navigate back to the train or whatever, hmm.

Hey, Dingo Jellybean posted a walkthrough on GameFaqs! That's cool, I'll probably need that later...

Yeah okay so Tifa totes has the hots for me, that's cool, I can deal. Now I'm helping Aeris for some reason..."Don't walk on the flowers!" THAT'S AN EOFF JOKE I GET IT NOW YOU GUYS!! Now...I'm pushing barrels. Why? And why is Aeris so utterly useless? "I'm going to keep putting myself in danger because I'm used to it! Never forget that I grew up in the slums, even though my mother has a perfectly nice house now". Way to become a self-fulfilling prophecy and avoid all accountability, lady!

So it seems like Cloud/Nico has some pretty bad PTSD, we'll see how that goes. Walking through the slums is pretty rubbish, I'm having a lot of difficulty trying to navigate, and I wish that dude in the pipe would just die. At least I stole 5 gil from a dumb little kid whose bedroom I get to walk around in for some reason. Nothing in this game is making any sense.

Oh Bloody hell, Aeris is becoming really co-dependent. I just tried to run out of her goddamn house after more flashbacks and she caught me, so now I have to sneak out like a little dog...and then she bloody found me anyway, acting all coy and trout. Gurrrl, I just wasted a hella lot of time escorting you back to safety and now you want to go back into danger so that I can go get a beer or something. Ugh.

Now I'm stuck in a market, listening to endless reggae music and not being able to read any of the signs. I keep talking to this loner dude in a bar/restaurant (if it's a bar, it's really poorly laid out and has no ambiance) but I don't think I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing. Where are all the chocobos and fighting things, you guys?

On disk 3.

Good for you for starting with ff7

[AssassinDX]

I can't remember the order in which you do it, but try talking to either the barman or the lonely guys son, who runs a clothes shop elsewhere in the market (further south). Failing that there's a dude in the toilet of the bar being sick, one of those three triggers the next stage in the game.

[Calliope]

Well, it wasn't up to me, it was a matter of chance. We'll see how I go.

DAY TWO, PART ONE

I woke up early and immediately logged back onto this stupid game, even though I knew I should be washing my dishes and vacuuming the floor and I'm hungry. Is this why Spuuky never does any housework and forgets to eat? I'm really sick of the reggae music so I want to get done with this as soon as possible. After looking up three walkthroughs (Sorry, DJ, yours isn't thorough enough for a non-gamer like myself) - none of which have a map, I might add - I go drag the good for nothing tailor out of the bar and force him to make me a pretty purple silk dress. Then I go do some squats like a champ (apparently the "switch" button I wanted on my keyboard was "insert", huh, why would you have all the buttons be over there, except for one random one?) and make a grown man cry. I can't say I'm a fan of how this whole crossdressing arc is being played out - you'd think a professional ex-marine or whatevs would be professional about using strategy to infiltrate an enemy complex. Wait, why is Tifa in a brothel? And why is she just in the basement if it's apparently that easy to walk out into the hallway and then outside? *shrug* Time to try not to get raped, I guess!

[Sephiroth]

I can give you my walkthrough and just need to translate the parts you need. It also has Screenshots.

[Calliope]

Cool!

Also, apparently I can't take screenshots of this game, unless I'm doing it wrong (which is likely).

[Jinx]

The lonely guy has a DAUGHTER, not a SON.

Holy trout, this is quite hilarious and excellent, Calliope. I know you're not trying to be funny. It still is. WE NEED SCREENCAPS.

EDIT: oh. prntscr, paste in Paint?

[Calliope]

SCREENSHOT1.png

I am too lazy to figure out Steam screenshots (I tried that method and it just pastes as a black block), so this is what you get instead.

[Psychotic]

The squats always used to confuse me as a kid, it has to be said!

[Calliope]

I'd like to point out that Don DouchebagRapeyPants is sitting in a giant red chair, wearing a red robe trimmed with white, and he has a couple of little elf dudebro minions on either side of him...he's basically Santa.

Line up in front of the Don? smurf you, we're not cattle. I really hope I get to beat the living daylights out you real soon.

OH WHAT THE SMURF Aeris and I were just tossed to the little elfbros like sodden leftovers NOT COOL MAN

Oh, gross, look at all that clutter on the floor of the elfbro lair. Eww, eww, please give me a quest chain where I get to pick up all your beer cans and bottles and do your dishes, ugh.

HOLY CRAP Cloud/Nico just said he didn't want no scrubs, a scrub is a guy who can't get no love from me, hanging on the passenger side of Don DouchebagRapeyPants' huge and suspicious mansion, trying to get with me

"The man with the gun arm" - is Bruce Campbell in this game?

Okay, so now we're in a sewer (after I saw Aeris was totally game to defend herself while in the company of others who could protect her, but not when she was alone and in danger) and we just beat up a poor, muzzled and bound sewer prisoner. That's not okay! I think that CloudNico must have some anger issues to sort out.

CLOUDNICO JUST GAINED CROSS DRESS!

I mean, cross slash. w00t!

[Ayen]

The man with the gun arm is Barret and Bruce Campbell didn't have a gun tied to his arm in Evil Dead, it was a chainsaw. Don't make me nerd out on you.

Only advice I can give is to level up by 2/3 in-between each boss. The game officially starts when you get out of Midgar and past the flashback scene.

[Pike]

Then a bunch of people in #eoff added me on Steam

Hey, you added me first!

[Calliope]

Yeah, and then I found the eoff group and added you

Currently stuck on a train, unable to jump from the hole in the train to the ladder on the other side. The ladder is taunting me. Why must navigation be so hard?

[Jinx]

Oh trout, the Train Graveyard is so tough the first time through.

[Pike]

Yeah, and then I found the eoff group and added you

Just making sure I wasn't the enabler here Let's blame #eoff together!