Zanarkand

The music is... dodgy. It is a strange, slightly off-kilter beepy boopy that I expect from the 90s. I suppose the Final Fantasy X Project logo that I was forced to sit through a loading screen for earlier did say 1999-2002, but surely the music comes toward the end of the project, not several years before it begins. The fashion, too, is horrendous; hipsters wouldn't even wear it. I have no doubt it is very "in" somewhere though. I would check the character designer, but I suspect Nomura anyway.

After Tidus appears again, I wonder: is this a commentary on the concept of celebrity? Here Tidus is, in the sanctuary of his own home, and some of his biggest fans crowd the only exit; they know exactly where he lives. How claustrophobic. But then, I wonder, is it actually a subversion? After all, Tidus - star player of the Zanarkand Abes and son of the greatest Blitzballer ever - lives on a troutty house boat. Okay, the inside is plush, but look at Zanarkand. Look at it. It is built up, so high up that you can't see trout from their highways. How low would Tidus even have to live in order to live on a house boat? If Star Wars and Coruscant taught us anything, it's that the rich, famous, and powerful live at the top, while the death stick dealers live at the bottom.

I gain control of Tidus and try to go back in his house. "No, you're not going," I say. "You're grounded. This game is not happening. We're staying in." But of course, the door is locked; can't have rabid fans going in, and he is the most important player tonight. Jecht Memorial Cup, right? Wait, I'm not supposed to know that yet. Shoot.

The running animation is smooth. Real smooth. As an athlete myself (I refuse to say former ), I am always curious to see the running animation in games. JRPGs are a source of interest, because they often have three speeds: running, jogging, and walking. However, because the player is not limited by realism, the characters often sprint everywhere, and despite that being unrealistic anyway, their running technique is usually poor and unlikely to be conducive to either speed or stamina. So, Tidus "jogs" in a natural kind of way, which I can imagine being maintained over long distances, not even just because he is an athlete. I am going to write my PhD thesis on running in video games, btw.

Of course, all of this is moot once I start tapping Circle. Tidus stumbles as he goes, looking like a complete moron. Wonderful.

He reaches the crowd of fans and I notice that the NPC head tracking is insane. They must be very dedicated fans because their necks whip back and forth even more fiercely than Willow Smith. Tidus, being the attractive self-absorbed sports star that he is, talks the ladies first. And then has much regret, for their voices are like grating your actual ears with an actual cheese grater. Clearly, they did not redo any of these voices. I want to silence these women as quickly as possible.

On the plus side, the name entry screen is nice. I like it. Nice colours, crisp. Tidus's portrait may be different; if so, it is an improvement. If not, well, I'm a bit of an idiot, aren't I?

Tidus promises to do... this! if he scores. Okay, he's a superstar and these chicks want to smurf him. Probably at the same time. He should probably be less awkward. There is already some inconsistency forming between Tidus the "I got it together I'm so cool and famous" and Tidus the "helly do sad wee" but we'll touch on this again later.

Tidus then talks to random NPCs because why not. Two of them are voiced. The chick has, uh, really good voice acting. Which is weird because she has like three lines of dialogue. But, far out, that is impressive and the dialogue fits perfectly. I think I found the best line of dialogue in the game and it is pointless throwaway garbage in the first 10 minutes of gameplay. Gonna be a long trip.

Bahamut Kid (shh we don't know this yet) has a line but it's stupid and Tidus doesn't respond. Like, way to be a weirdo, both of you.

Okay, then Tidus talks to the kids. Finally. He has to be a role model, right? He signs the blitzballs for the kids one by one and the last kid says "Me too!" and Tidus flips out with a "Take it easy!" but little does he realise that the kid smurfing waited his turn so don't be a prick Tidus.

Then it hits cutscene again and the middle kid suddenly has the voice of a sixteen year old girl with nasal congestion, starts on "two" like he/she/it/they are some kind of smurfing band conductor, and then the three of them say "Teach us how to blitz." Okay, fine, kids want their hero to teach them to be just as good as him. Fine with me, I get hero worship, I've been there. Then Tidus is all like "I got a game, duh" and they're like "then after!" and he considers it. Um, dude. Couple things wrong with this: they're kids so they'll probably be asleep after the game, and um hello you're Zanarkands biggest name are you kidding me? You're not going to wrap up your match and then go teach 3 kids how to be star blitzball players. Get out of here.

And then Bahamut Kid says not tonight and Tidus is like "...hmmm yeaaah". Okay look I'm not Tidus but you either go "who the smurf are you, kid?" or you take the opening and go, "oh YEAH not tonight, but tomorrow, sure kids, whatever" and then you prance off because you have a frigging game to play and you're gonna be LATE.

Please note: the kids then do the prayer in perfect synchronisation and if that's not an indication that you're a smurfing (SPOILER)dream of the fayth or at least in some kind of wack-ass Matrix then I don't know what is.

I... I guess it's time to go play blitzball now?