Let's Read 50 Shades of Grey (and be a b*tch about it) (explicit content)

[Miss Mae]

Chapter Four

Lacking the agency to kiss the man herself, Ana simply screams internally that she would like Christian’s lips on hers and hopes that will work.

More head shaking. More strangely italicised thoughts.

Christian clearly wants to say something as he starts speaking, hesitates and doesn’t know how to continue. He eventually says ‘“Good luck with your exams”’ and Ana is frustrated that he looked so ‘desolate’ when this was all he wanted to say. Ana apparently has no idea how to read between the lines.

Ana’s ‘dashed hopes’ and ‘dashed dreams’ as Christian ‘rejects’ her cause her to cry irrationally and uncontrollably in a parking garage. Once again I am captivated by the wide variety of adjectives used in this book.

Ana explains that the only time she has ever been rejected – before now – was when choosing teams for sports. This doesn’t surprise me at all – she’s already established herself as a gangly bookworm who can’t walk two steps without falling over, so of course she’s bad at team sports.

Gradually Ana’s subconscious is growing a body as she metaphorically screams at Ana, folds her arms, leans on one leg and taps her foot in frustration. Again, I’m not sure how a subconscious could literally do these things, so stating that this was metaphoric is completely unnecessary.

Ana arrives home looking upset. Kate asks her what is wrong. Kate asking a single question because she is concerned about her friend is apparently called the beginning of the ‘Katherine Kavanagh Inquisition’. Of course it couldn’t just be that Kate cares about you, Ana.

Kate offers to show Ana the finished article. Apparently José took some great photos and this is still surprising. Ana is too obsessed with Christian’s face to actually read the article her friend put so much hard work into writing. She convinces herself that the reason Christian told her he didn’t want to see her again was because he considers himself too attractive. That’s the most ridiculous reason for somebody to refuse a second date that I have ever heard in my life.

In reaching this realisation, Ana describes herself and Christian as being ‘poles apart’ and ‘from two very different worlds’. She considers herself as ‘Icarus flying too close to the sun’ and ‘crashing and burning’. Cliché count: 11.

Lying in bed, Ana recalls begging Christian with ‘every fiber [sic] of [her] being’ to kiss her. Cliché count: 12.

I find Ana’s musings that Christian might be ‘celibate’ or ‘saving himself’ laugh out loud funny given we all know how far from the truth that is. I’m looking forward to the moment poor, ignorant Ana realises how wrong she is.

So far, the styling used to signify a time slip between scenes has been a line break and four bold, capped words; however, here we see a simple 1.5cm line divider between paragraphs. I am curious how time slips will be depicted throughout the remainder of the book and if any sort of pattern will form as to when one stylistic choice is chosen over another.

‘I might even get drunk!’ Ana exclaims after finishing her last exam. Of course sweet, innocent, bookworm-who-can’t-play-sports Ana has never been drunk before.

To celebrate, ‘Inside [Ana is] doing graceful cartwheels around [her] head.’ Firstly, Ana is doing these cartwheels, not Ana’s subconscious, which establishes that they are two different personalities, thus confirming my previously-documented suspicion that Ana is insane. Secondly, this action is not described as ‘figurative’ or ‘metaphoric’, so either there is some literal cartwheeling going on or E L James has finally realised that it is not necessary to use these terms to signpost every instance of personification. Lastly, the phrase should simply be ‘inside her head’; the use of the word ‘around’ makes me think that her head has been detached from her body and now she is cartwheeling around it, like one might circle a fire in an attempt to summon a demon.

In as many paragraphs, three different font faces are used – the default, a script font to indicate a handwritten note and a stereotypical ‘old typeface’ in one of the first edition novels Ana has just received. It appears E L James just discovered the drop down list of fonts in her word processing software.

Ana, the girl who has never been drunk before, has champagne, five margaritas and decides that it’s time for a beer. Ana, the girl who has never been drunk before, is going to pass out before this night is through.

Ana is now in the bathroom and decides drunk-dialling Christian is an excellent idea. Yes, what could possibly go wrong?

Christian figures out that Ana is drunk and demands she tell him which bar she is in. Ana dismisses this as him being ‘his usual control freak’. She hasn’t known him nearly long enough to have established his ‘usual’ and if this is in fact his usual, that would be setting off all sorts of alarms for a rational human being.

Ana is pleased with herself because her head is swimming uncomfortably. ‘Well the exercise was to get drunk’ she thinks as she demonstrates how binge drinking works. What a great role model. ‘Probably not an experience to be repeated’ she adds in pointless italics. Of course she has already decided to never get drunk again, even before the hangover hits, because she is sweet, innocent, bookworm-who-can’t-play-sports Ana.

As Ana pulls her jeans back up, I’m so thankful that Ana going to the bathroom was included in this book. I feel as though the plot really benefited from that.

Ana tells Kate that she needs to step outside for some fresh air. Kate thinks it’s perfectly acceptable to let Ana, who is completely trashed at this point, go outside alone. Yes, I see nothing wrong with this plan either. Ana is full of excellent ideas tonight.

José, who until this point has seemed like a lovely friend with a few misplaced feelings towards Ana (who is apparently undesirable and yet every male character she is not related to in this book so far has desired her), tries to take advantage of Ana in their mutually drunken state. Christian arrives in perfect time to be the literary hero of Ana’s dreams.

After throwing up in the garden and regaining her senses, Ana asks Christian the completely valid question: ‘How did you find me?’ Apparently he tracked her phone. This man Ana just met wanted to pick her up because she sounded drunk, so he tracked her phone and found her. How romantic.

Ana’s ‘muscles clench deliciously’ and my spidey sense tells me this is a phrase I’m going to read a frustrating number of times throughout the rest of this book.

Ana’s subconscious is back to figuratively doing things; specifically, she is tutting and glaring at Ana ‘over her half-moon specs’. I wonder when Ana’s subconscious developed vision impairment. And eyes.

Christian has been with Ana at the bar for quite some time now, but she takes this moment to create a mental note of every item of clothing he is wearing and to describe him as ‘yummy’. I might not have had five margaritas, but even I’m starting to feel queasy now.

Before she leaves with Christian, Ana wants to tell Kate where she is going. Kate is on the dance floor, apparently. She tells Christian this and next thing she knows, he is leading her towards the floor. Ana immediately begins panicking about the fact that she does not dance. Maybe he doesn’t want to dance with you, Ana? Maybe he is simply taking you to the place you said you wanted to go?

But it turns out he does want to dance. And, of course, he is incredibly good at dancing because it’s a well-known fact that all well-dressed rich men are.

Kate is dancing with Christian’s brother, Elliot, because apparently best friends dating brothers is a necessary plot line for this book and heaven forbid any girl be attracted to somebody who isn’t rich. Ana tries to describe Elliot but can’t determine his eye colour beneath the flashing lights. I’m disappointed, because this information is very important to me and I was in the process of compiling a list of the incredibly story-relevant eye colours of every character.

In the end, Christian steers Ana away from Kate before they even have a chance to talk. Ana’s main concern about this is that she didn’t get to give Kate a safe sex lecture. It has been fairly well-established at this point that Ana is the innocent one and Kate is the experienced one, so I’m not sure what Ana was planning on saying that Kate doesn’t already know.

Ana swears, falls over and the chapter ends.

One more chapter until we start getting to the really NSFW stuff. I'm both excited for the prospect of ripping poorly represented scenes to shreds and terrified of the prospect of having to read them. I hope you all have strong stomachs!

[Jinx]

I find Ana’s musings that Christian might be ‘celibate’ or ‘saving himself’ laugh out loud funny given we all know how far from the truth that is. I’m looking forward to the moment poor, ignorant Ana realises how wrong she is.

Yes, because when an attractive, rich, and successful man rejects you, it's obviously because he's saving himself. Yes.

Ana, the girl who has never been drunk before, has champagne, five margaritas and decides that it’s time for a beer. Ana, the girl who has never been drunk before, is going to pass out before this night is through.

More like puke. I know she's never drank alcohol before, but doesn't she know she shouldn't mix booze? Especially if she has no tolerance for alcohol? Where are all of her friends? That camera guy? Spanish Inquisition Kate?

Christian figures out that Ana is drunk and demands she tell him which bar she is in. Ana dismisses this as him being ‘his usual control freak’. She hasn’t known him nearly long enough to have established his ‘usual’ and if this is in fact his usual, that would be setting off all sorts of alarms for a rational human being.

Apparently in this world it's totally normal for men you've only met three times before you rush to your side because you're out at a bar with friends and drinking is just the worst thing in the world. You need a white knight, sister.

After throwing up in the garden and regaining her senses, Ana asks Christian the completely valid question: ‘How did you find me?’ Apparently he tracked her phone. This man Ana just met wanted to pick her up because she sounded drunk, so he tracked her phone and found her. How romantic.

That's not creepy at all. Ana should probably head back to that bathroom because she's about to piss herself with excitement over being stalked by a guy like Christian Grey.

[Miss Mae]

Your commentary on my commentary is greatly appreciated.

[noxious.sunshine]

this is hilarious.

[Shorty]

Keep it up, please!

and please become the resident Let's Read gal because I am loving this

[Miss Mae]

We're getting into the sex stuff now, so if you aren't keen, now's when you should look away. No actual sex scenes for another couple of chapters, but a bit of discussion and the beginnings of some physical contact. Parts of this are obviously NSFW.

Also there's mentions of assault, consent and unsafe BDSM practice in this chapter review, so be careful if you have any triggers and whatnot. In fact most, if not all, of the following chapters will have this sort of content, as I am very unhappy with the way both Ana and Christian behave sexually, so consider this a warning for all chapters past this one. Now that the warnings are out of the way, let's get to it.

Chapter Five
Ana opens her eyes and for a moment she is ‘tranquil and serene’ (which are strange terms to use to describe a person rather than a place) in her unfamiliar surroundings. If I woke in unfamiliar surroundings, my first thoughts would be of confusion and potentially fear; I can guarantee I wouldn’t be experiencing tranquillity.

She glances at the bedside table to find a glass of orange juice and two tablets that she assumes are Advil. I hope they have their name imprinted on them, because otherwise the fact that she is taking some mysterious tablets in a strange man’s hotel suite is incredibly concerning. Even if they do have their name imprinted on them, taking mysterious tablets is still an incredibly irresponsible decision.

Christian knocks on the door to his own room where Ana is sleeping before he re-enters, giving her enough time to cover herself if she so desires. She seems surprised that he doesn’t wait for a response before opening the door. Must I remind you Ana that, until recently, you were still asleep. He needs his stuff.

Apparently Christian was working out while Ana was sleeping. His shirt is stained with sweat. ‘Christian Grey’s sweat; the notion does odd things to me’ Ana thinks. The notion that you fetishize sweat confuses me a little, Ana.

Last page, Ana thought she was feeling better than she probably deserves; on this page when Christian asks how she is feeling she says ‘Better than I deserve’. It is completely unnecessary to say this twice.

Ana observes that Christian ‘hides his thoughts and feelings so well’. Just so you know, Ana, not everybody writes their emotions all over their face in fifty shades of red.

The reason Christian took Ana to his hotel room rather than back to her apartment is because he was worried about her throwing up on the leather in his car, apparently. Passing out in the arms of an outrageously controlling man that I just met and then waking up in his bed without my jeans and my socks because he undressed me is not something I would find endearing; that’s terrifying.

Christian uses some archaic turn of phrase and Ana says he sounds like a ‘courtly knight’. Of course he does. He’s a lovely white knight come to save you, Ana, from all the hardships in your privileged life. He doesn’t have any kind of agenda of his own, is not at all selfish or manipulative, and is obviously the romantic partner that every woman dreams of.

Christian tells Ana that she’s lucky he’s only verbally scolding her for her actions, saying ‘if you were mine, you wouldn’t be able to sit down for a week after the stunt you pulled yesterday’. Being a reader of this book, my prior knowledge of its content gives this quote some context – I am aware that Christian is involved in the (incredibly inaccurately portrayed, but I’ll get to that) BDSM scene; however, I don’t understand why Ana didn’t hear this and immediately think of physical and emotional abuse. He is saying that if you were his girlfriend he would want to control your foolish, though not altogether dangerous, behaviour and then physically punish you for your actions if you break his rules.

Instead of being outraged by this, Ana’s subconscious does a happy dance in a bright red hula skirt at the thought of being Christian’s. Apparently Ana’s subconscious is made happy by the thought of being treated like property. Of course she is – Ana has so little agency that she brings shame to the genuine submissives that exist in the BDSM community. If the millions of people who have read this book genuinely think that this is how a true dominant/submissive relationship works, then I am appalled.

Tangentially, I remember reading that E L James did research into the BDSM community before writing this book. I’m yet to see it. Either she interviewed people in abusive relationships or she completely disregarded large portions of her interviews before converting those anecdotal tales into the misleading pile of misinformation I now hold in front of me in the form of a paperback. I’m feeling genuine trepidation about rereading the explicit, ‘erotic’ scenes that I know are present in the coming chapters because I am nervous to see how she misrepresents the sexual practices of the BDSM community.

Christian says he’s going to have a shower. Apparently the thought of Christian showering causes Ana to forget how to breathe. Gross.

Ana once again reflects on the phrase ‘if you were mine’, ignoring all of the strange threats that followed it. She is prepared to give anything to make that a reality.

When Ana first called Christian a knight, he corrected her, saying ‘a dark knight maybe’. She ponders this while Christian is showering and refuses to accept what should definitely be interpreted as a warning. ‘He’s not a dark knight at all but a white knight in shining, dazzling armor [sic] – a classic romantic hero,’ she thinks. She seems to believe that his stalking her in order to save her from some ‘mistakenly perceived danger’ is romantic and heroic. Once again, Ana is setting a fantastic example for women everywhere.

At this point Ana has retracted her original suspicion that Christian is celibate; however, she’s confused as to why he hasn’t made ‘a pass’ at her like Paul and José. She seems disappointed about that. Ana, need I remind you that José’s attempt to get in your pants involved him sexually assaulting you outside a bar? Do you realise what you are asking for right now?

She continues, realising that she slept in his bed all night and he didn’t even touch her. Apparently this is a sign that he doesn’t find her attractive. The fact that Ana wants a man to feel her up without her consent while she’s practically unconscious in his bed from drinking too much alcohol really concerns me.

Taylor, Christian’s right-hand man, went to the store some time during the morning to buy Ana new clothes, including fancy European lingerie that fits perfectly. I understand now the ‘erotic fantasy’ element of this book – I’d love some free, perfectly-fitted European lingerie.

Ana describes the living area as being the size of a tennis court. Even with couches, coffee table, television and dining table, that space would look incredibly empty.

Apparently Ana has never stayed out all night before and she’s sure Kate will be worried. She’s never stayed overnight at a friend’s house? Gone to one of her parents’ houses for a holiday? That’s pretty boring.

Christian ordered a selection of breakfasts from the menu rather than simply ask Ana what she would like. She describes this as being very ‘profligate’ out him. What a pretentious word to use in general conversation.

It was only a week ago that Ana and Christian went on their ‘date’, but she’s surprised he remembered her tea order. It wasn’t exactly complicated – a particular brand, teabag out because she likes her tea weak. As weak as her.

Christian makes a bitter observation that Ana’s hair is still damp. He told her while she was in the shower that room service would be bringing breakfast soon, but he still expected her to use a hairdryer? And really, what does it matter? Making snide comments about a woman’s appearance is apparently the way to a woman’s heart if you believe Ana’s fantasy that Christian is some knight in shining armour.

‘““Oh kiss me, kiss me, Christian,””’ Christian mocks the way Ana looked up at him just over a week ago, internally begging him to kiss her because she believed it was more effective than having agency. Quoting that sentence of dialogue took too many sets of quotation marks, so I hope the increased light it sheds on Christian’s character was worth it.

Ana’s lack of professionalism makes another appearance as she realises she is meant to work at midday, but still decided to go out last night, drink so much she vomited and passed out, and fluff around in Christian’s hotel room all morning. Thankfully there are still two hours between her recollection that she has to work and the time she has to start.

Christian asking questions about Ana’s plans for the week is apparently enough to constitute the Christian Grey Inquisition (which is ‘almost as irritating as the Katherine Kavanagh Inquisition’).

While thinking, Ana apparently has a habit of biting her lip. ‘“I’d like to bite that lip,”’ Christian says to Ana ‘darkly’. She internally declares this to be the sexiest thing another human being has ever said to her. You’ve lived a sad life thus far, haven’t you Ana.

‘Jeez, I’m a quivering, mess, and he hasn’t even touched me,’ Ana thinks. That extra comma makes me cringe. At this point in writing the book, E L James was too excited by her strange fantasy to care about punctuation anymore; she was in a rush to get to the sex scenes.

For all his threats of physical and emotional abuse, at least Christian seems to understand what consent is; he apparently is refusing to touch Ana until she has signed a contract.

It seems to be perfectly acceptable for Christian to say phrases like, ‘“Like Eve, you’re so quick to eat from the tree of knowledge,”’ in conversation. As part of the prose, I might have let that go, but dialogue? Cliché count: 13.

Christian calls Taylor and tells him that he is going to need Charlie Tango tonight. ‘Charlie Tango! Who’s he?’ Ana asks herself in pointless italics. Surely everybody is familiar enough with the phonetic alphabet to recognise that ‘Charlie’ and ‘Tango’ represent the letters ‘C’ and ‘T’ respectively, and thus Christian is probably not referring to a person. If it is indeed a person, they have a rather unfortunate name. A rather unfortunate unisex name, and yet Ana immediately assumed they would be male. Rude.

Yes, see, it’s a helicopter. Thank you, Ana, for repeating everything Christian said during and after his phone call to ensure that point was conveyed. ‘All night!’ ‘Pilot?’ ‘“Fly?”’

Christian ordered too much food, made Ana feel incredibly anxious with all his talk of lip biting and helicopter flying, and then gets mad at her when she doesn’t have the appetite to finish her breakfast. But of course she forces the food down; she obviously doesn’t have the agency to explain aloud that she isn’t hungry anymore.

Ana smiles at one of her many strange thoughts and Christian asks ‘“What’s so funny?”’ He doesn’t bother waiting for an answer before he moves on to his next question. Rude.

It’s revealed that Christian slept beside Ana in his bed last night while she was unconscious. Even though he claims he didn’t touch her at all, this seems incredibly inappropriate. He also says that this is a novelty for him.

‘“Not having sex?”’ Ana asks. ‘“Sleeping with someone,”’ he corrects her. ‘What in heaven’s name does that mean?’ she ponders. ‘He’s a virgin?’ No, Ana, you flippin’ idiot – we have already established that he is not a virgin. I can understand why you don’t want to pay attention to what’s going on around you, because it’s all pretty terrible, but given it’s your life maybe you should at least to try to remember what has already happened in this book where you are apparently the protagonist.

Ana gets a strange thrill out of using Christian’s toothbrush, excited by the prospect of almost having him in her mouth. Gross.

I’ve listened to a lot of professional phone calls in my time and I’ve never heard anyone say ‘“Keep me abreast of progress.”’ Just because Christian is rich does not mean he needs to speak in such an unrealistically pompous fashion.

Before their ‘date’, Ana and Christian saw a couple kissing passionately when the doors to the hotel elevator opened. This was obviously foreshadowing, because as soon as Ana and Christian are in the elevator again, he sticks his tongue down her throat. ‘“Oh, smurf the paperwork”’ he says before pressing her against the wall. So, apparently Christian understands the concept of consent but doesn’t care about actually ensuring he has it.

This is their first kiss, and Christian has decided to pin sweet, innocent, bookworm-who-can’t-play-sports Ana against a wall with her arms above her head. He tugs her hair and it’s ‘only just not painful’. He holds her in place by grasping her chin. She describes herself as ‘helpless’. She’s unable to move or resist Christian and she didn’t give explicit permission for this to occur; this is a very unhealthy way to start a physical relationship with someone.

Christian pulls away and Ana glance at him to see if she has any sort of effect on him. We are introduced to Ana’s inner goddess at this point, who I am assuming is like Ana’s subconscious only she makes more of an attempt to be sexy. I look forward to growing sick of this third personality as quickly as I grew tired of her second. And first.

Ana reveals that she used Christian’s toothbrush and he seems to find it strangely endearing, in a ‘“What am I going to do with you?”’ kind of way. And with that, the chapter ends.

[Jinx]

This is a really weird book.

[Miss Mae]

That just about covers it.

[maybee]

‘How did you find me?’ Apparently he tracked her phone. This man Ana just met wanted to pick her up because she sounded drunk, so he tracked her phone and found her. How romantic.

Holy trout

no no no no no no no no no no no no

never been so creept out and disturbed just * shudders *

[Miss Mae]

It gets worse.

[Mirage]

This is giving me tips in how to pick up women in real life.

By a process best described as "inversion".

[Kalevala]

Apparently he tracked her phone. This man Ana just met wanted to pick her up because she sounded drunk, so he tracked her phone and found her. How romantic.

You mean... this isn't normal? O-oh.

[Miss Mae]

Chapter Six

Ana gets in Christian’s car and is immediately concerned that Christian hasn’t mentioned what happened in the elevator yet. She wonders if she should bring it up. And say what, Ana? Do you really need to tell Christian about how turned on his uninvited advances made you?

Touching her swollen lips, Ana declares that she is now a changed woman. I don’t see any evidence of this – she seems to be just as lacking in agency as before.

The music in Christian’s car ‘sends shivers up [Ana’s] spine’. Cliché count: 14.

Ana describes the music as an assault on her ‘aural senses’. Surely she, as a human, has only one aural sense? Hearing?

I immediately like Christian’s brother Elliot – you know, as much as I can like a character created by E L James, which is a limited amount. He calls to ask Christian if he got ‘laid’ and when he realises Ana can hear him via speakerphone, says ‘Hi, Ana!’ The sheer act of using somebody’s preferred name is enough for me to immediately like him more than anybody else that this book has introduced me to so far.

Ana, with a momentary surge of agency, confronts Christian about why he insists on calling her ‘Anastasia’. ‘Because it’s your name,’ he responds. This utter disregard for Ana’s preferences demonstrates Christian’s selfish nature and shows the contrast between what he says and what he does. It may just be a name at this point, but his attitude towards it does not instil confidence in me regarding how he intends on treating her in the future.

Christian delivers Ana to her apartment, which is now apparently a duplex, but never had to ask where she lives. This doesn’t seem to be a problem for her. She remembers that he posted her rare first edition books, so of course he knows where she lives. That doesn’t answer the question of how he found your mailing address in the first place though, Ana.

Ana is more interested in thinking about Christian, who said ‘what happened in the elevator – it won’t happen again, well, not unless it’s premeditated’. She heard these words and immediately thinks this means Christian doesn’t want to kiss her again. That’s not quite what he said, Ana; if you felt confused, that would make sense, but your selective hearing is frustrating.

All this whispering and murmuring and gasping is getting on my nerves. Can’t you people just say things to each other?

Christian calls ‘Miss Kavanagh’ Kate at his brothers’ request. Why not ‘Katherine’? Apparently the ‘it’s your name’ rule only applies to people he feels like having sex with.

Elliot kisses Kate passionately while Ana and Christian are watching. Apparently the kiss is so good that Kate becomes ‘comely and compliant’. I don’t understand why it is necessary for every female character – even the one who was, until recently, being described as ‘tenacious’ ad nauseam – to become completely submissive as soon as a man enters the scene.

Once the boys leave, Ana and Kate have a conversation about sex, but apparently neither of them are actually able to use the word. Ana explains that Christian is going to pick her up after work and take her to Seattle. ‘“So maybe you will then?”’ Kate asks. ‘“Oh, I hope so,”’ Ana replies. ‘“So you like him then?”’ Kate asks. I really hope Ana likes him, considering she just implied that she wants to have sex with him, but I can’t blame you for missing that since you’re both being awfully vague about it, Kate.

Kate decides she needs to make sure Ana looks ‘irresistible’ for when Christian picks her up that evening, whatever that means. Kate takes Ana to her bedroom and we aren’t told what happens next. That leads to some interesting inferences.

What happened in Kate’s bedroom is described later when Ana is reminiscing while working, but her memories are written in present tense, which is confusing. Apparently Kate shaved and plucked every hair on Ana’s body because ‘this is what men expect these days’. While it’s true that some men may expect this, and more may prefer it, I find the act of shaving and plucking everywhere purely for the sake of pleasing a man’s unrealistic expectations to be utterly atrocious. It is even highlighted that Ana found the experience ‘unpleasant’, which emphasises the act was not something she was doing for her own comfort, but solely for that of Christian. Some of that discomfort may be to do with the fact that Ana’s friend has decided to address her body hair though; I’m not sure I would find the experience of somebody else shaving my legs to be particularly pleasant either.

For some ‘strange reason’ Kate doesn’t trust Christian. Maybe it’s because she knows nothing about him other than that he is outrageously rich and that he took Ana back to his hotel room while she was incredibly drunk rather than taking her back to her own apartment. But no, it couldn’t possibly be that; that would make too much sense.

Ana ponders whether or not Christian was joking when he mentioned ‘written paperwork’. I wish he was, Ana.

‘Even I know helicopters need space to take off and land,’ Ana thinks, seemingly amazed that there is any sort of knowledge in that mind of hers. Don’t worry, Ana – I’m amazed too.

Ana sees the elevators and – ‘Elevator!’ – is reminded of that morning. In fact, the memory ‘comes back to haunt [her]’. Firstly, this is a strange use of the word ‘haunt’; usually that word is connected to something you would rather not remember, but we have been assured that Ana enjoyed herself in the elevator, as concerning as that may be. Secondly, cliché count: 15.

Christian’s helicopter has ‘Grey Enterprises Holdings, Inc’ emblazoned on the side. Ana thinks their flight to Seattle is probably a misuse of company property. I don’t think it really matters – it’s Christian’s company after all, so he can fly his helicopter whenever he pleases. I do wonder if he’s planning on putting the petrol he uses down as a business expense for tax purposes though.

Apparently Christian’s helicopter is a seven-seater. That’s a little ostentatious.

Christian straps Ana into the four-point harness so tightly that she can hardly move. ‘“I like this harness”’ he whispers mysteriously. More unnecessary whispering. Again, my reader’s knowledge of this book’s content reveals what that remark is referring to – our dear Christian enjoys tying women down; however, for Ana this must be the strangest sentence, and for once she displays the emotion she should: confusion.

Christian assures Ana that she is safe with him. ‘“Well, while we’re flying”’ he clarifies with a wink. No, she should be safe with you at all times, regardless of what you intend on getting up to with her behind closed doors at some point in the future. Safety is paramount and I am appalled that E L James is suggesting in this dialogue that the BDSM community doesn’t agree with that. And what person in their right mind hears this and cares more about how attractive his wink is than the obvious warning contained in his words? Ana, that’s who.

Apparently Ana is the first girl Christian has flown with in his helicopter. ‘“It’s another first for me,’” he says. ‘Another first?’ Ana wonders. He is referring to the time when he slept in a bed with your unconscious body, Ana; if you paid attention to your own narration, you would know this.

The memory of José’s attempted kiss ‘haunts’ Ana. This is a much better use of the word. She is reminded of the many messages José has left her and feels guilty that she hasn’t returned his calls. So, in short, last night Ana’s ‘friend’ sexually assaulted her and she feels guilty because she hasn’t returned his phone calls?

As they near Christian’s place in Seattle, Ana feels as though she might faint. ‘My fate is in his hands,’ she thinks. This attitude is frightening. She’s considering having sex with this man and is acting as though she is entirely powerless in this process.

Ana has so little agency she can’t even take off her own headphones once the helicopter has landed.

We are treated a full page description of every inch of Christian’s oversized apartment. I will spare you the details.

Ana refers to Christian’s living area as a ‘mission statement’. I hesitate to say that this is actually clever writing. The room is exaggerated, ostentatious and unnecessary, and Ana is correct is saying that pretty much sums up Christian’s mission.

Adding intertextual links to Tess of the d’Urbervilles, both at this point and earlier when Ana was doing her exams and Christian sent her a first edition copy, does not make your work sound more intellectual, E L James.

Christian begins comparing Ana to characters from Tess of the d’Urbervilles. Given the choice of being held to ‘an impossibly high ideal’ or being ‘debased’, Ana chooses the latter. And she doesn’t just choose internally – she says this aloud. A list of synonyms for ‘debase’ include such wonders as ‘humiliate’, ‘degrade’, ‘demean’, ‘shame’, ‘defile’, ‘adulterate’, ‘sully’, ‘taint’, ‘tarnish’ and ‘soil’. How little self-esteem does a person need to have to give a man permission to treat her in this way?

Christian presents Ana with a nondisclosure agreement. When asked to clarify what signing this piece of paper means, Christian says that, upon signing, Ana would not be able to talk about their relationship, if it becomes a relationship, to anyone. Immediately she signs, her curiosity towards his big, dark secret apparently more important to her than being able to discuss Christian with her friends and family.

Displaying concern for how quickly Ana decided to sign the paperwork, Christian asks about her motives. She explains that even without the agreement she wouldn’t talk about him with anyone – even Kate. The fact that she is trying to avoid discussing their relationship is a sure sign that she doesn’t want to be talked out of it, and that she probably should be. ‘“Fair point well made, Miss Steele”’ Christian says in respond to her sloppy argument. This is a phrase I’m sure will be repeated.

Every time an idea leaves Ana’s mouth that could be mistaken for agency, she immediately thinks something along the lines of ‘Did I just say that?’ just to make sure everybody realises it was accidental.

‘First, I don’t make love, I smurf… hard,’ Christian says. Heaven forbid we include any romantic feelings in this portrayal of BDSM.

Christian wants to show Ana ‘the playroom’ before they discuss the idea of sex any further. ‘“You want to play on your Xbox?”’ Ana asks. Oh, poor, sweet, innocent, bookworm-who-can’t-play-sports Ana.

Before opening the door, Christian ensures Ana knows that she can leave at any time, so at least that’s a plus. She won’t have any of it though. ‘“Just open the damn door, Christian”’ she says. He appears to be unperturbed by this use of his first name, even though he has previously stated that he doesn’t like people using it.

He opens the door and when she looks inside she mentions yet another Inquisition, but this time the Spanish one. The chapter ends as Ana thinks ‘Holy smurf.’ I am assuming this is supposed to make me so curious that I simply have to read on, but I’m content for now; thanks anyway.

[Parker]

[The chapter ends as Ana thinks ‘Holy smurf.’ I am assuming this is supposed to make me so curious that I simply have to read on, but I’m content for now; thanks anyway.

no please read on i wanna know what happens

[Miss Mae]

I'm just proofreading my chapter seven review. It will be up shortly.