Chapter Three

Ana calls an ecstatic Kate and apparently even she’s not sure who they could possibly hire to take photos of Christian. When Ana finally remembers that José exists, Kate is irrationally impressed by the idea. Surely it didn’t take a genius to remember that Ana’s friend of four years is a photographer, but apparently it deserves praise and an exclamation mark. Maybe with this positive reinforcement, Ana will learn to use her brain more often.

In her maturity, Ana sticks her tongue out at her phone after Kate hangs up on her, further demonstrating to those around her that she is borderline insane.

Ana’s unprofessional nature is highlighted once again when it is revealed that she made this phone call to Kate in the stockroom of the hardware store while she was still supposed to be working.

Paul shakes his head ‘as if to clear it’. He should probably spend less time around Ana because apparently he is picking up her weird habits.

Ana’s subconscious has become personified now, raising a figurative eyebrow as she asks Ana if Christian is a literary hero. I am curious how a personified subconscious could raise an eyebrow any other way. Ana ‘slap[s] her down’ but it wasn’t specified that this was figurative. Can I assume she literally slapped herself?

Just because Kate can throw around unnecessary threats and end them with ‘capiche’ does not mean she is ‘awesomely tough’, although Ana seems to think so. I suppose anyone looks tough next to Ana.

Ana calls Christian and asks if ‘tomorrow’ is okay for the photo shoot. If you ever paid any attention to the world around you, Ana, you would have noticed that this is the day Christian suggested when the topic was first brought up.

Kate seems to be surprised that Ana is blushing, but Ana assures Kate that she blushes all the time. I’m glad somebody said it so I didn’t have to.

The marketing executive is putty in Kate’s hands. Cliché count: 7.

Ana rolls her eyes at how ‘domineering’ Kate can be, responding to her orders with an unnecessarily italicised ‘Yes, mistress’. The lack of subtlety in that foreshadowing makes me laugh aloud.

Kate is described as tenacious again and I wonder if E L James had lost her thesaurus at this point.

José looks at Christian with cool eyes, and with that Christian has officially met both of his rivals for Ana’s affection. For somebody who hasn’t had a boyfriend, Ana sure does get a lot of attention from the men in her life.

Christian sits and poses for photographs for about twenty minutes. How many photos does one article in a student newspaper need? Apparently more, because Kate then decides she has enough photos of Christian sitting and would like some more where he is standing.

There’s a strange combination of italicised and roman styles as Ana argues with herself about whether or not being asked to join Christian for coffee counts as a date.

I hope Ana stops documenting the ‘current’ she feels every time Christian touches her, or else I’m going to have to add that to the growing list of frustratingly repetitive phrases in this book.

The pair leaves the lobby and for once I am left feeling curious about what materials were used in its construction.

Don’t worry. I’m lying. I don’t care at all.

Christian gives Ana the task of finding a table while he gets the drinks. Although usually she can’t help but give significantly more information about her actions than is necessary, Ana leaves out the part of the narration where she does as she was asked. When Christian returns there is magically a table for him to place the drinks on. But at least we know the table is small, round and birch-veneer. That’s vital to the plot.

Ana is seduced by the fact that Christian accidentally ordered her favourite tea.

Christian quizzes Ana about both of his rivals – José and Paul – and she confirms that she has feelings for neither. Say goodbye to what little tension there was around that character dynamic.

E L James appears to have relocated her thesaurus, with Ana’s frequent blushes and flushes having been described as ‘beet red’, ‘pink’, ‘crimson’ and ‘scarlet’ over the last few pages.

Christian makes the observation that Ana blushes frequently. I wonder if there has been a time when Ana hasn’t been blushing in Christian’s presence yet. I honestly think it would be easier for Ana to simply tell us when she isn’t blushing, because I feel like that would come up less often.

The topic of conversation dies and Christian rekindles it with a new question. ‘Whoa,’ Ana says, as though this change is too sudden for her simple mind to comprehend. She appears to have missed the memo early in life that explained how conversation works.

Ana tells Christian about her mum, and more specifically her mum’s four husbands. She goes into detail about the most recent husband, but when Christian asks if she gets along with her stepfather Ana immediately starts talking about her mum’s second husband – the one who helped raise her. Husbands two, three and four are all your stepfathers, Ana, so why would you talk about this one specifically? Christian has no idea about your family dynamic, so why would he be asking about any husband other than the one you were already talking about?

Christian discusses his siblings – specifically one who is studying with a chef in Paris. ‘“I hear Paris is lovely,”’ Ana says. Immediately Christian wants to know if Ana has been. If she had been to Paris, she would probably have her own opinions about the place rather than simply stating what she has ‘heard’, don’t you think, Christian?

Christian then asks if Ana would like to go to Paris. ‘Who wouldn’t want to go to Paris?’ she ponders. She needs to get out more, as I know a lot of people who wouldn’t want to go to Paris.

Ana trips again; this time into traffic.

The chapter ends as Ana realises for the first time in her life that kissing is a thing people do for fun.