Oh, Final Fantasy VII. How long has it been? Too long! That how long it's been. It's time for a refresher course in all things VII. I'm going back to Gaia. I'm going back to Midgar. I'm going back to places and things that I haven't seen in a while and I'm taking you all with me. So sit tight, this is going to be a bumpy ride! Do you think it will be as good as VI? (AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!) Shut up! Smurfing voices
The first thing I see in this new world of adventure is space. The final frontier. These are the voyages of the starship-- *Aerith's face appears on screen* Oh. Never mind. The flower girl is just chilling out walking down the street as the camera pulls away and show Midgar in all its glory! Where am I during all of this? On a train going, "Choo! Choo!" It's cool, I know all about trains from my time in Timber. We stopped at the train station and start kicking some train men asses! This black dude tells me to follow him and so I do... RIGHT INTO SHINRA TROOPS! They don't even stop for the other guy nor does he stop for them. Nope they come right at me and he lets them too. It's because I have spiky hair, isn't it?
Unfortunately for them I'm an ex member of SOLDIER so they don't stand a chance. I meet up with the rest of my teammates called AVALANCHE! WHY ARE YOU YELLING!? There's Biggs, Wedge, Jessie and the leader of the gang Baracus. That's right, I called him Baracus. You wanna fight? (How unoriginal) At least he actually used his name from the show. Jessie and Baracus doesn't trust me but Biggs backs me up. I'm too much of a dick to thank him so I just say I don't care what any of their names are. I only care about money and hair gel. Defying Gravity.
We stormed the No. 1 Mako Reactor, Wedge stays behind to secure our exit and Biggs and Jessie use the security codes their teammates died for to get us inside the building. Baracus keeps talking about how the planet is dying and getting all mad at me when I tell him I don't care. Did I join an environmentalist group? He takes exception to this and goes inside of me-- I mean, tags with me. Yeah, tag with me.
By the time we get to plant the bomb I have a killer brain freeze and a voice telling me to look out. Look out! This isn't just a reactor! Yeah, thanks. They didn't need the visual aid. I snap out of it and set up the bomb. SOLDIER teaches us how to plant bombs too *nods* That sets off the security system or whatever and a giant ass Scorpion robot thing attacks us! Don't attack when it tail is up!
Baracus: *shoots at it when tail is up*
WHAT THE SMURF DID I JUST SAY?!
We kill the boss and get the hell out of there. Jessie got her foot caught so I helped her up, because I don't care, except for the times when I do. We make it out of the Mako Reactor just in time to watch it explode and then split up to board the Sector 8 train. Towns are numbered because no one can remember their names. And I thought I had a bad memory. Quit foreshadowing, Tori. Sorry.
I ask Baracus about my money, or at least try to, but he cuts me off already knowing what I was going to ask and say we can discuss it back at the hideout. On the way I bump into a girl selling flowers and took one for a gil. She is REALLY underselling these. I mean, they're rare, they should be going for a lot more than 1 gil. Oh well. So, I get cornered by a bunch of Shinra troops who ain't worth my time and I jump on the approaching train like a bawse because I'm cool like that. Baracus was upset and clearly worried about me, but he wouldn't admit it. Jessie cleaned up my face and thanked me for helping her back at the reactor. I think she has a crush on me.
Jessie takes me aside and shows me some things on the train. We make it back to the hideout after Baracus shoots the place up. It's a good thing people don't run out of ammo in this game. I head inside first with the others and meet up with my childhood friend, Zira. Whom I bought a Fire Materia for later.
Zira: No one is going to get that reference.
Shut up.
Zira: Flowers for me? Oh ToriJ you shouldn't have!
Well, ain't ya fool of yourself today, Miss Sunshine? *gives flower to Marlene* Now maybe Baracus will lay off my ass.
I fight again with Baracus downstairs and tell him I want my money so I can leave. Because I don't care and trout. Zira cuts me off at the exit and remind me of a promise I apparently made as a kid. Dammit, kid me. Why you have to go and do that? After we're done with our nostalgia trip Baracus climbs up to the top floor because the elevator isn't his style and gives me 1500 gils.
1500? 1500!? I'm insulted. I'll do the next gig for 3000.
Baracus: That money for Marlene's schoolin'. 2000!
Okay 2000. But there better not be no power outage.
We go to bed and the next morning Zira asks me how I slept. I slept next to her so I slept just fine.
Zira: I don't get what you mean...
I think you get EXACTLY what I mean, woman. Baracus wants me to explain how Materia works so I do. After I'm done he's standing there breathing like he just got done from a huge run. Jesus. Zira tells me not to forget to visit the man upstairs. What do you mean upstairs? You don't have an upstairs. Oh, you mean the building across from us? Why didn't you just say the building across from us, then? Make me look for stairs that aren't there, what the matter with you?
Zira: Take care of the shop while we're gone, Marlene.
That answers that.
So I go over to this place and get the All Materia after I lay down my superior knowledge to some kids.
Save Point: Hi.
What the smurf?
Save Point: I'm a save. Don't forget to use me to save your game while on the road.
Okay...
Treasure Chest: HEEEEEEEEEY!
AHHHHH!
Treasure Chest: I'm a Treasure Chest, be sure to keep a look out for me.
What the hell.
Cursor: Sup?
Let get the hell out of here!
*breathes* Okay, that was too smurfing wield. Or, as they say in the Slums, "That was @()$&*#)$*(#) weird!" Right, next stop is the Mako Reactor in Sector 5 and this time Zira is coming with us. Hey, Johnny.
Johnny: This is goodbye. You better take care of Zira.
What?
Johnny: *runs off*
What was that about?