We make our way to the Ice Cavern in order to get above the mist so we can be safe. Vivi tells us stories about the cavern that his father used to tell him. Steiner goes on about how we should thank Vivi's father when we meet him. Vivi's dad is dead. Smooth, rusty. Once inside Garnet looks super amazed at everything. I'm freezing my tail off so I insist we get a move on. We find some secret passages and a moogle concealed by ice. Thankfully, Vivi fire is able to melt right past it and we found some neat stuff as well as saving the moogle. Monsters kept killing Garnet and I'm all out of Phoenix Downs. Next thing we know we'll hit by a blizzard that was caused by...



This jerk. Black Waltz No. 1. Does he have the stones to challenge me one on one, man to man? Nope! He has to summon a monster to help him. Does any of my friends come in at the last minute to help? Nope! I take down both the Black Waltz and the monster single-handedly. IF YOU SMELLLLLLLLLLLLL--!? You get the idea. After defeating the Black Walts I return to the others and we finish our climb of the cavern.



What a beautiful view. We see a town called Dali up ahead and I talk about what I remember of it. Garnet is impressed. We start talking about how the princess needs to go incognito with a new name. Steiner disagrees. I tell him to shut up. We go back and forth until Vivi and Garnet interjects. Garnet asks me about the weapon in her hand. I don't want to shame someone for not knowing something so I explain that's a dagger. She cuts me off before I can go on about swords, though. She then tells us from this moment on she shall be known as...



AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! That's so smurfing stupid! No, no. Try again.



Maybee's a fine name and far more punnable than Dagger. All right, it's settled, the girl's name is Maybee. We'll work on your speech on the way there.



As soon as we arrive to town Vivi wants to see the windmill and is disappointed when I say we should stop at the inn first. But he agrees anyway and one argument with Steiner later we're fast asleep. Steiner is helping some lady at the pub to learn about transportation, Garnet is trying to learn how the common folk speak and Vivi is running into problems with some children.



FEEEEELS!

I meet up with Vivi over by the windmill to see him down about something. I make the broad assumptions that it's because of girls. Has to be about girls. Nothing can bring a man down faster than girls. Vivi says that not it.



I continue to make broad assumptions. Vivi never thought about those things. I'm always thinking about girls. We talk some more and I tell him to come to me if he ever needs girl advice. Vivi then mentions that he heard a strange sound, by the way he described it I'm able to identify it as a chocobo. I ask Vivi if he can head back over to the inn as I go looking for Garnet Maybee. As soon as I leave, though...



VIVI!

I'm none the wiser and find Maybee at a shop looking at stuff. We head back to the inn and I try to impress her by telling stories until she realizes that Vivi isn't back yet. So, we go off to look for him, checking by the windmill where I last saw him only to hear "sniff" sounds nearby. It's coming from the nearby hole and we learn that it's actually Vivi being told to stay put, wherever he is. We enter the building next over to find the most obvious hiding spot ever and enter some kind of underground workshop where we find Vivi being held captive. Before I can do anything Maybee drags me away and tells me that she recognizes the symbol on the barrels from Alexandria. We keep a low profile, finding Vivi later after those thugs put him in a box. A box! This isn't Metal Gear Solid, people, you don't just go around putting people in boxes! We continue our exploration of the factory until we find something rather disturbing...



Vivi dolls! Black Mage inspired dolls that don't look like Vivi in any way, shape or form! Anyone buying that? No? Well, I tried. Needless to say Vivi is in shock and Maybee can't believe her eyes. Or should it be Vivi can't believe his eyes and Maybee is shock? Either way, neither of them are moving a muscle so I have to grab them and hide out in a barrel where we meet up with Steiner AFTER HE TRIED TO STAB US! Can we just have a normal conversation for once? No! Because that's when we're joined by Black Waltz No. 2!



With wings. The Black Waltz confirm my suspicion of being sent from the castle before engaging us in mortal combat. It feels weird spelling combat with a C. I'll give No. 2 some credit, at least he's man enough to take on all four of us by himself. The last one couldn't even take me out on my own with a monster at his side. Despite this, we defeat the Black Waltz and decide to sneak aboard the airship. Steiner is suddenly very okay with this idea and insists on talking with the people there himself, which is basically code for "this ship is headed for Alexandria!" But don't worry, I have a plan. We sneak aboard and find Vivi trying to talk to one of the Black Mages that are now moving.



That went about as well as you would expect.



I hijacked the ship much to Steiner dismay. The Black Mage crew decided they didn't like that and began to surround us. Steiner kept shouting that this was all my fault until we saw them all gathering on the bridge. They must have sensed it long before we did because Black Waltz No. 3 shows up just in time to be surrounded by the crew.



You go, Black Mages! Kick his ass!



Oh bother.



Feels...

Feels.

FEELS!

Steiner is in shock and Vivi is mad! I'm mad! We're all mad!



While Maybee is steering the ship Vivi, Steiner and myself confront the Black Waltz. Vivi is so mad he goes into a trance and start spamming fire and blizzard like there's no tomorrow! It all becomes too much for the Black Waltz and he ends up retreating. Wait, come back! What was all that stuff you said about eliminating the small child? Come back! Pfft. I bet he can barely keep it together.



Oh. Guess I spoke too soon.



Nope, that time I spoke too soon.

Folks, there are no words or screenshots capable of doing the following scene justice. TO YOUTUBE!