ToriJ Plays Final Fantasy IX

[Ayen]

I have returned to the place I'll return to someday



We open up in the middle of nowhere with nothing but a boat to protect us from the fury of the open sea. How have we angered you, Neptune!? The camera zooms in until we can see who's on the boat.



Hi, Garnet. Garnet!? What are you doing there? You don't know anything about boats!



Oh, it was just a dream, she's safe. Damn! I forgot how good Garnet looked in this.



We cut away to a beautiful airship owned by a bunch of bandits a wonderful group of people belonging to the theater. We're here to put on a show for Princess Garnet's sixteenth birthday. I'm sure it will be a wonderful-- Wait a minute...

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I HAVE A TAIL! What? How? Did someone play pin the bandit with crazy glue? I demand an explanation! Oh well. I enter a dark room and need to light a match just so I can see where I'm going. As soon as I light up a candle I hear a knock on the door with people asking who I am.



Now which one of you forgot to pay the electric bill?

I'm joined by my friends Cinna, Marcus, and Blank. I'm told I'm late. I always seem to be late for these things. I ask about the boss but apparently he's late too. Before we can do anything else we're suddenly attacked by a dragon!



Strangest looking dragon I've ever seen, and I suffered through the Spyro redesign. We do battle only to find out that the dragon isn't a dragon at all. It's our boss, Baku. Hrm, that's eerily close to the word baka, guys. We go into the boss' cabin (at least I'm assuming it's called a cabin) to go over the plan for tonight's show. The main objective?



Nice doll.

We'll be performing Alexandria's favorite play: I Want to Be Your Canary. The story of a princess and a peasant falling madly in love. Marcus will be playing the lead, Blank will be playing distraction and I'll be the one doing the kidnapping. It's a good thing I was a member of SOLDIER and SeeD in a past life, or this might actually be a challenge. Once the plans are made we're brought to the second star of our show.

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VIVI!



Vivi is having some trouble. He was all excited to see the play only to find out that the ticket he bought was a dud! The ticket guy tries to make it up to him with some trading cards, but no card is glorious enough to compare to seeing my monkey tail on Broadway. Never fear! Vivi manages to sneak into the theater with the help of a buttface jerk and makes it just in time to watch the play where the queen and the princess are also at attendance.



AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! GET IT AWAY! GET IT AWAY!

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Oh, thank God. Just keep the camera on her.

After the opening fireworks, Baku goes over the summary of the plot before Cinna, Blank and myself, go out on stage to join Marcus who is facing Baku (playing King Leo) once again pitting us against the boss. King Leo escapes and I go after him only to be blocked by Blank who likes the idea of the princess being married off to some prince instead of her true love, Marcus. In the name of peace and stuff. Smurf that! EN GARD!



We fight on top of the stage before Blank makes a run for it and I follow him out into the stands where we put on quite the show. The noblemen and even the queen herself was impressed. They wanted an encore! Smurf that as well! Blank and I sneak into the castle and took the armor of some Knights of Pluto or whatever and began searching for Garnet. Speaking of Garnet, Garnet decides to run out on her own dressed as a White Mage. We chase after her and it's during this time that a couple of jokesters inform the queen that the princess is missing and she tasks Steiner and Beatrix to go find her.



I get the feeling men in Alexandria aren't thought of all that highly, but to Steiner's credit he does his best to find the princess in spite of the incompetent Knights of Pluto and finds her being chased by yours truly on top of the tower.



She has such a pretty smile. Annnnnnnnd she drops off the tower.



That face is priceless.

But never fear! Garnet grabs onto some streamers (I think they're called streamers, I have no idea) and swings across the sky. Steiner and I go after her. Steiner is looking determined; he's going, going, going...



Ooh! Good thing he was wearing a helmet. I eventually corner Garnet in the ship where she finally revealed herself to me and told me of her true intentions.



It's not kidnapping if you WANT to be kidnapped. Then it's technically hitchhiking. Oh, whatever; you're making my job a hell of a lot easier. We meet up with Cinna and go down a secret escape hatch, only to find ourselves on stage with Baku and Marcus with an uninvited guest in Steiner. With the queen still watching we're forced to improvise the remaining scene.



That's some good improvising skills you have there. After a couple of lines are exchanged Marcus states his intent to claim vengeance against King Leo and lunges at him with his sword!



PRINCESS! NO!



Everyone is in shock.



What?



.....I see what you did thar, game. And I don't much care for the reference! *sniff* Not one bit. *runs off and cries*

All seems to be going as planned. The audience is in awe, the queen is in tears and nobody knows that the princess on stage is actually the princess whose birthday they are celebrating. All is right with the world. Until the fire nation attacked.



The flames force Garnet to jump to her feet and take off her hood. This is as good a time as any for us to make our escape. The queen is not please one bit and attempts to halt our escape with chains (kinky) and firing a freaking cannon at us! GREAT BALLS OF FIRE!



Literally!

The Bomb situates itself behind Steiner and we try to warn him of its presence. He doesn't believe us and continue his assault until he turns around and the Bomb blows up in his face. I think. My memory is kind of cloudy on account that a bunch of things have been trying to kill me since the game started. We manage to escape the city, but the damage to the airship is already too great and we crash in the Dead Forest. How can things get any--?



Me and my big mouth. I travel through the Dead Forest meeting up with Steiner and Vivi just in time to help Steiner fight the plant monster that now had Garnet imprisoned. I enter a trance, though it's more of a big glow, which increases my strength and allows me to make quick work of the plant monster, but it got away anyway. And just when we started to relax it captured Vivi!

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Don't worry, Vivi, I'll save you! Vivi isn't entirely helpless, though. He's able to cast his fire spell from inside the monster while Steiner and I attacked it head on. The plant was defeated, but not before releasing some toxic gas that knocked Vivi and Steiner unconscious. I was able to avoid the gas and bring the two back to the ship so they could be treated with medicine to heal their wounds. Baku tells me that he isn't going after the princess because his boys come first. If I wasn't head over heels in love I'd probably understand his decision, but since I am I'm furious and decide to leave the camp to go after her. For breaking the rules I have to fight him. I beat him easily. I'd like to stroke my ego at this point, but I'm pretty sure he was holding back. That last punch hurt like hell. I take Steiner and Vivi and go out looking for Garnet, and that is where we find the monster in charge.



Nowhere near as nasty or as cool looking as his minion. Anyway, we do battle. Vivi's fire hurts it because grass types are naturally weak against fire types. Steiner idea of combining his sword with Vivi's magic also proves to be a pretty worthwhile idea. We're doing just find until the beast decides to hit us all with thunder taking out me and the Black Mage.

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You can say that again. With Blank's help we're able to defeat the evil flower of doom and provide the medicine to Princess Garnet. Then, in Final Fantasy VIII fashion, we run for our lives against a bunch of monsters that want to kill us. Next thing we know THE ENTIRE FOREST IS CHASING US!

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You guys really take the Dead Forst thing seriously, huh? Against overwhelming odds we're able to escape the forest with our lives, but what about Blank!?



Oh. I guess he won't be going anywhere for a while.

[Pumpkin]

yaaaaaaay FFIX

Coming up to Dali, one of my favorite areas and points in the game

[Ayen]

Dali is so sad. I'm gonna cry.

[Ayen]

We make our way to the Ice Cavern in order to get above the mist so we can be safe. Vivi tells us stories about the cavern that his father used to tell him. Steiner goes on about how we should thank Vivi's father when we meet him. Vivi's dad is dead. Smooth, rusty. Once inside Garnet looks super amazed at everything. I'm freezing my tail off so I insist we get a move on. We find some secret passages and a moogle concealed by ice. Thankfully, Vivi fire is able to melt right past it and we found some neat stuff as well as saving the moogle. Monsters kept killing Garnet and I'm all out of Phoenix Downs. Next thing we know we'll hit by a blizzard that was caused by...



This jerk. Black Waltz No. 1. Does he have the stones to challenge me one on one, man to man? Nope! He has to summon a monster to help him. Does any of my friends come in at the last minute to help? Nope! I take down both the Black Waltz and the monster single-handedly. IF YOU SMELLLLLLLLLLLLL--!? You get the idea. After defeating the Black Walts I return to the others and we finish our climb of the cavern.



What a beautiful view. We see a town called Dali up ahead and I talk about what I remember of it. Garnet is impressed. We start talking about how the princess needs to go incognito with a new name. Steiner disagrees. I tell him to shut up. We go back and forth until Vivi and Garnet interjects. Garnet asks me about the weapon in her hand. I don't want to shame someone for not knowing something so I explain that's a dagger. She cuts me off before I can go on about swords, though. She then tells us from this moment on she shall be known as...



AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! That's so smurfing stupid! No, no. Try again.



Maybee's a fine name and far more punnable than Dagger. All right, it's settled, the girl's name is Maybee. We'll work on your speech on the way there.



As soon as we arrive to town Vivi wants to see the windmill and is disappointed when I say we should stop at the inn first. But he agrees anyway and one argument with Steiner later we're fast asleep. Steiner is helping some lady at the pub to learn about transportation, Garnet is trying to learn how the common folk speak and Vivi is running into problems with some children.



FEEEEELS!

I meet up with Vivi over by the windmill to see him down about something. I make the broad assumptions that it's because of girls. Has to be about girls. Nothing can bring a man down faster than girls. Vivi says that not it.



I continue to make broad assumptions. Vivi never thought about those things. I'm always thinking about girls. We talk some more and I tell him to come to me if he ever needs girl advice. Vivi then mentions that he heard a strange sound, by the way he described it I'm able to identify it as a chocobo. I ask Vivi if he can head back over to the inn as I go looking for Garnet Maybee. As soon as I leave, though...



VIVI!

I'm none the wiser and find Maybee at a shop looking at stuff. We head back to the inn and I try to impress her by telling stories until she realizes that Vivi isn't back yet. So, we go off to look for him, checking by the windmill where I last saw him only to hear "sniff" sounds nearby. It's coming from the nearby hole and we learn that it's actually Vivi being told to stay put, wherever he is. We enter the building next over to find the most obvious hiding spot ever and enter some kind of underground workshop where we find Vivi being held captive. Before I can do anything Maybee drags me away and tells me that she recognizes the symbol on the barrels from Alexandria. We keep a low profile, finding Vivi later after those thugs put him in a box. A box! This isn't Metal Gear Solid, people, you don't just go around putting people in boxes! We continue our exploration of the factory until we find something rather disturbing...



Vivi dolls! Black Mage inspired dolls that don't look like Vivi in any way, shape or form! Anyone buying that? No? Well, I tried. Needless to say Vivi is in shock and Maybee can't believe her eyes. Or should it be Vivi can't believe his eyes and Maybee is shock? Either way, neither of them are moving a muscle so I have to grab them and hide out in a barrel where we meet up with Steiner AFTER HE TRIED TO STAB US! Can we just have a normal conversation for once? No! Because that's when we're joined by Black Waltz No. 2!



With wings. The Black Waltz confirm my suspicion of being sent from the castle before engaging us in mortal combat. It feels weird spelling combat with a C. I'll give No. 2 some credit, at least he's man enough to take on all four of us by himself. The last one couldn't even take me out on my own with a monster at his side. Despite this, we defeat the Black Waltz and decide to sneak aboard the airship. Steiner is suddenly very okay with this idea and insists on talking with the people there himself, which is basically code for "this ship is headed for Alexandria!" But don't worry, I have a plan. We sneak aboard and find Vivi trying to talk to one of the Black Mages that are now moving.



That went about as well as you would expect.



I hijacked the ship much to Steiner dismay. The Black Mage crew decided they didn't like that and began to surround us. Steiner kept shouting that this was all my fault until we saw them all gathering on the bridge. They must have sensed it long before we did because Black Waltz No. 3 shows up just in time to be surrounded by the crew.



You go, Black Mages! Kick his ass!



Oh bother.



Feels...

Feels.

FEELS!

Steiner is in shock and Vivi is mad! I'm mad! We're all mad!



While Maybee is steering the ship Vivi, Steiner and myself confront the Black Waltz. Vivi is so mad he goes into a trance and start spamming fire and blizzard like there's no tomorrow! It all becomes too much for the Black Waltz and he ends up retreating. Wait, come back! What was all that stuff you said about eliminating the small child? Come back! Pfft. I bet he can barely keep it together.



Oh. Guess I spoke too soon.



Nope, that time I spoke too soon.

Folks, there are no words or screenshots capable of doing the following scene justice. TO YOUTUBE!

[Pumpkin]

Yaay Vivi

[Botchmun]

this is the best day ever. 'nuff said.

[Rantz]

I EXIST ONLY TO KILL

[Quindiana Jones]

YYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSS TORI I LOVE YOU.

[Pumpkin]

This is the best game

[Ayen]

I currently have two hours left on the next disc I'm recording the game on. Once I'm done with that I'll get to work on Part-3. I'm making a point of playing ahead of what I post since I only have a week to play it.

[Psychotic]

It sounds like you've been everywhere, Tori

[maybee]

ohmg

thankyou so much !!!!

( Please keep this up ! You are doing awesome ! <3 )

[Ayen]

We made it safe and sound to Lindblum where Maybee wishes to see her uncle, the king, about her mother.



Unfortunately her uncle is now an oglop.



Steiner takes exception to this and punches Maybee's uncle in the face. WATCH THE STACHE! We're told that long ago Cid was cursed into an oglop and after the situation with the queen is explained (btw it was Cid who hired Baku to capture Maybee) we're invited to a feast. I decide to go out to the town to eat because smurf free food!



While there I bump into an old friend whose name is... Whose name is... Trout.



Oh, I have to type her name in before I can remember it. I guess I can keep her name the same as the EoFF user-- wait.

*Flashback*
Freya: Kansas sucks!

.........



Pettiest revenge in forum history.



After catching up with Fukari I decide to take a look around town.



You know what they say about spiky hair guys with big swords? After I'm done exploring I decide to return to the castle to check up on Maybee. Just one problem.



She's not there and Steiner is using this as another excuse to pin the blame on me. You know, rusty, there are other bandits and bad people in the world. I'm not responsible for everything that goes wrong. We part ways and begin looking for the princess. I hear some singing upstairs so I beat up a guard and take his armor to sneak up to the top floor to find Maybee.



Who isn't the least bit happy to see me. What did I do?

We talk about things, and stuff, and other things before looking through a telescope. I ask Maybee when she wants to take that ride on the airship only to remember I made that promise to another girl. I am now in the doghouse. But don't worry, being the clever rascal I am I somehow turn this conversation around and get Maybee to agree to a date if I win first prize in the Festival of the Hunt. I'm so good I scare myself.



btw Vivi I signed you up too because I thought you'd do good with your black magic, please don't hate me, bai!



Everything is going well until this big ugly butt here starts terrorizing the children! Who left their kids out here, anyway? Fukari comes to help, but I tell her to save the last punch for me since I have a date with Maybee on the line!

Fukari: What? You're ridiculous. Very well.

We take out the monster and I manage to get the very last strike. Time runs out on the clock and... and... and...!?



Suck on THAT, Gryffindor!



We return to the castle to celebrate.



The celebrations are cut short when a knight from Burmecia informs us that the city is being attacked by an army of Black Mages. He dies shortly after. I think it's safe to say the party is over.



Fukari decides she's going to go out ahead and I insist on helping. Vivi is also going to come because he wants to learn more about the Black Mages. Maybee wanted to come too because this has to do with her mother, but I think it's too dangerous for her. Cid agrees! Maybee is not the least bit happy about this, but I'm sure she'll come to see it my way.



Or not.

[Jinx]

Fukari. Is that some weird Japanese sex thing? Can't wait to see what you name Quina! Lol.

Also, OH HEY BURMECIA IS ATTACKED A SOLDIER JUST DIED HERE

Let's have some turkey, y'all.

[Ayen]

Fukari. Is that some weird Japanese sex thing?

I'm too afraid to Google the name to find out.