Let's Play Assassin's Creed II - Because Why Not (Also Ezio is Hot)

[Pike]

Due to popular demand, I'm branching this one off from the Let's Play Everything thread and giving this one its own!

Here's the intro, copy/pasted from the original thread:

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AWWW YEAH LOOK AT THIS AMAZING ACTION

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JEAH LOOK AT THESE INSANE GRAPHICS

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Okay time to actually get this thing started.

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PRESS A TO TAKE A trout

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PRESS B TO THROW UP ON YOUR DAD'S SHOULDER



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Desmond Miles, asking the important questions.

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Now we have this Bri'ish man who happens to be a bit of a dickhead. I asked Huxley for the most British insult he can think of so I can refer to him as such, and he said "a gormless ponce". (He also helpfully suggested "tosser", "wanker", "git", "pillock", "plonker", "muppet", "bellend", "knobhead", "arsehole", "berk", "divot", "pikey", "prat", "tosspot", "uphill gardener", and "billy no-mates")

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Finally I get to jack in to the AssCreed Matrix and be Ezio, which is pretty awesome. I beat up like twenty guys and then went around and looted them while they were all curled up in the fetal positions crying.

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Feels good to be hot and also have a hot brother.

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Why are plague doctors so awesome?

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Oh hey, the game is finally officially starting!

I did a couple of quests, one of which involved meeting some chick and promptly pressing A to and pressing B to . Later I looked her up in my database and promptly LOL'd.

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Because I am a turbonerd.

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I've played a couple of times since then and so far what's happened is that most of my family was killed ! And also I have a baller new outfit and I'm bro'ing it up with Leonardo da Vinci. It's pretty good.

[Ayen]

My introduction to Assassin's Creed. It's pretty good. The series make you pay for not starting at the beginning though. That didn't hinder my enjoyment too much. I got as far as the second assassination because I was like "Uhh... I'ma stop playing now."

[Pike]

Check out my new outfit! I don't look conspicuous at all! Surely the guards will never notice me.

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Oh. Oh MY. Maybe I WILL hit that button... all night long!

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My next mission is to find the guy who killed my family.

Yup.

My name is Ezio Auditore. You killed my father. Prepare to die.

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Look at these eyes. Are these the eyes of a sane man?

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No. No they are not.

[Mirage]

Altaïr is hotter. Too bad his game sucks.

Is this the first time you're playing this, Pike?

[Pike]

I've messed around with this before, same deal with other Assassin's Creed games. I have never actually beaten one.

[Mirage]

I see. Let me know what you think of this game's ending

[DK]

Ezio is the best. EZIO. EZIO AUDITORE DA FIRENZE!

i'm looking forward to the bromance between him and leonardo.

[Ayen]

I actually got caught during this mission, but killed the man before the game over triggered. Lightning hands!

[Pike]

Alright woman, what do you want me to do. Kill posters? Yeah, I can do that. I hate posters.

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I REALLY HATE POSTERS

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KILL ALL THE smurfING POSTERS

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AND THEY'RE ALL WAY UP HIGH TOO, smurf POSTERS

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Uhhh sister I've got some BAD news.

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"My eyes are up here, Ezio."

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Well, it's time to take my mom and sister and get out of here.

But first we need to tell these bards to take a hike.

Good thing I'm ballin'.

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Just look at these godforsaken freeloaders

"OH MY GOD HE DROPPED SOME PENNIES"

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Meanwhile a couple of girls distract a whole row of guards on duty, because men.txt

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The remainder of my hired harem continues to follow me outside the city, happily flirting with the bushes.

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IT'S HAPPENING!

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r u havin' a giggle there m8

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i don't fink so m8, i'll bash ur smurfin' 'ead in, i swear on me mum

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Who are you?

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...

[Mirage]

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...

I actually broke down in laughter on my couch when this happened. People gave me strange looks.

[krissy]

yeah me too
best part of the game
and it's a good game

[Pike]

So it turns out my Uncle Mario has some sweet digs.

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(did I ever mention I have an IRL Uncle Mario? Anyways)

He decides to fight me because why not.

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And then proceeds to drop the "HEY YOUR DAD WAS AN ASSASSIN LOL" bomb on me.

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TIME FOR A NOW FAMOUS INTERWEBS QUOTE

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Next, Uncle Mario teaches me how to tell him to run crying to his mum. I do this three times before I finally master the skill.

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"Okay, time to put all those newfound taunting talents to good use."

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"oi m8 ur a real cheeky bugger i'm gunna wreck u and shag ur mum sware on me nan"

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Right, that's all settled. Next stop real fighting? I think?

[Pike]

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Time for a horse!

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Oh hey random other horse, what's up?

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What is this, Oblivion? This reminds me of Oblivion.

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Oh I guess it's time to kill people now or something? Sounds good to me.

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!!

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Fortunately I arrive in the nick of time. I get to go assassinate someone!

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Die bitch

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"also I shagged ur mum m8"

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Welp, now that that's all over with, time to head back to Super Uncle Mario's place.

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Ezio has perfected the art of the smugface down to a science

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So I guess it's time to kill everyone else, then? Okie dokie!

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I GET THAT REFERENCE

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Next stop: finding codex pages and killing people. Sounds like a plan to me!

[Ayen]

Ah man, escorting the family out of town was a pain in the butt for me. Quit stabbing my sister!

That Mario part is pure comedy gold.