Funny Craigslist Ads Pt. 4

[sharkythesharkdogg]

It's been a while, so let's see 'em.

Here's one I came across. Some NSFW language and themes, but nothing horrible.



For sale: one early 80’s Craftsman riding lawn mower with an 11 horse power engine and 30″ mowing deck. Bottom line, this beast is a sick ride! In fact, I’d even say it’s the El Camino of yard whips. Just take a look at those sweet ass rims. So dope they look rented. #arethosedubs?

Wait, is that a chicken in the background? Damn straight! Because the Craftsman riding lawn mower was considered the barnyard pimp of its day. Get yer yerrd on, fool!

Is it fast? Ever heard of old school 3 on the tree? Well, this whip’s got 8 on the hip. That’s right, 8 screamin’ gears of merciless speed! Need to mow that $h!t Richard petty style? No problem. Snappin’ necks and mowin’ decks, homie…

Just look at this beast. It even has the original factory pin striping. This NASCAR style speed demon will look quick just sitting in your driveway. Neighbors be like “SMH with envy.” Don’t dare put this baby in the shed. She deserves the garage. #nooneputsbabyinthecorner

Does it run, you ask? HELLS YEAH! Like a pack of Kenyans on crystal meth! This bad boy just got a carburetor rebuild, new seals all the way around and a brand new battery installed. Turns over quicker than your prom date. And you don’t even need to buy it wine coolers.

Don’t get me started on the mowing deck! 30 full inches of precision slicin’ and dicin’. Cuts better than Edward Scissor Hands and Lorena Bobbit in a knife fight. And this blade runner has 8 cutting heights! Go full Brazilian with a 1 inch cut, or bring your field of dreams up to 8 inches, 1970’s style; your choice. All I’m sayin’ is this mo-fo fades a lawn better than a set of hair clippers at Fantastic Sams. Whaaaa?

But can I mow with it at night, you ask? Who hasn’t awoken at O’dark:30 to mow their lawn black ops style? No problem with this night rider. It has a fully functioning head light, Michael. #Getyerdarkon

Pretty sure this man-ride is the luxury model. It’s equipped with a plush pleather spring ride seat for those Brokeback yards, 10 inch Kung Fu grip steering wheel and rubberized foot pads. Ain’t no footloose goin’ on up in here. Safety first, homies!

You: So how much is this Kentucky bluegrass love machine?
Me: Just $500.°°.
You: Wait, what?
Me: That’s right, you heard me, only $500 greenbacks.
The world: How is that possible?
Me: my family and I have enjoyed using this cutting-deck of dope-ness since it’s immaculate inception back in the 80’s. Can you say one owner? Yup!

It’s time this black pearl set sail and find another crew to roll with. It’s faded many lawns in its day and is looking for the greener grass on your side of the fence.

Don’t wait to call or you’ll be tellin’ stories about the one that got away for the rest of your life, or call me now and become the lawn jockey you always dreamed to be.

No texts, please. I need to hear your voice and know that this family pet is going to a 100% full blooded american. #Merica

[Vyk]

Mullet not included..

[sharkythesharkdogg]

Or a Merl Haggard t-shirt.

[BlasterDarkRen]

"call now, ask for cousin Cletus"

[Sephex]

EDIT: The part I mention in the video has some NSFW language in it. Just a fair warning!!

The JO Crystal one always cracks me up. I especially enjoy Dan from Game Grumps reading it for the first time (skip to 10:25 if the time stamp does not work):

[Ayen]

At first I thought you were messing, and then I realized that's actually what the ad says.

What even the smurf?

[Sephex]

At first I thought you were messing, and then I realized that's actually what the ad says.

What even the smurf?

Lots of positive energy in the shesh, bro.

[Ayen]

At first I thought you were messing, and then I realized that's actually what the ad says.

What even the smurf?

Lots of positive energy in the shesh, bro.

[noxious.sunshine]

I want to buy the lawn mower now.

[sharkythesharkdogg]

It's probably recent enough to bring 'er back.

This house is roughly in FOA's area. She should go look at it.

$224900 / 4br - 1848ft2 - 3Bath, West Asheville, Don't let your kids suck (22 Scottsdale Drive)

4BR / 3Ba 1848ft2 available now

house
w/d hookups
attached garage

Ok Asheville, I get it. People is broke these days. Therefore I dropped the price on my house to $224,900. Go look at it, and if you don't like it, then screw you, but I think you will like it. If you like awesome houses that are recently fixed up. You can jam your loud ass kids in the basement and have some freaking peace and quiet. So if you hate peace and quiet, then look at another house. If you want your kids to suck as basketball, then also look at another house. This house has a freaking basketball court, for gods sake. There might be some rust around the rim, but your kid can't dunk, so don't worry about. I know you think you can dunk, but you can't, so buy this house.

There is also a dead end street, and people pay big money for a dead end street. You only have to pay $224,900. Kids learn to ride bikes on dead end streets, so if you want your kid to be a troutty bike rider, and suck at basketball, then buy something in Montford. Speaking of Montford, did you know you can't build a pool in Montford? Well you can build a pool on Scottsdale Drive. You could build two pools in this yard, because it is huge. There is a huge deck, so you could get tan, and then swim in your pool. If you don't have kids, these kinds of pimp amenities will you get a lady/man or both, that you might want to have kids with.

The floors are freaking bamboo. If it is good enough for a koala, then surely it is good enough for you. There is also a giant laundry room downstairs. That means you don't have to pretend not to notice your significant other doing laundry, you can actually not notice in this house. That means more guilt free football, or whatever you do when you are acting like a dead beat spouse.

There are two closets in the master bedroom and one is huge, with mirrors as closet doors. If you can't think of anything good to do with a giant mirrors in your bedroom, then you should probably buy in Montford.

Also the westside is awesome, and yes I know it is technically on the other side of Patton, so some people will look down on you, but those people live in North Asheville anyway, so you if you are in line at Biscuit Head or drinking at the Brewpump, don't worry, the other side of Patton is cool, and getting cooler.

Did I mention there is a garage? Do you know how much nagging from your spouse you can avoid, if you have a garage? You go down there and drink beer, and pretend like you are doing something important, and no one will ever bother you. It is genius!

So in summary, if you want your kids to suck at basketball, get hit by a car, if you want to be pale and never find a suitable mate, if you are boring in the sack, and like listening to your loud ass kids scream all day, and if you hate watching football, then buy another house. If you like any of those things then buy my house before I go broke.

Here is the lame description I originally wrote if you want to hear about the boring details.
Perfect family house. Completely remodeled 4 bedroom, 3 bath West Asheville home on a quiet dead end street. Very close to everything in West Asheville. Hard to come by fenced in flat yard with large back deck overlooking basketball court. New environmentally friendly bamboo floors upstairs, tile in each bathroom, 2 large closets in master, perfect family eating room, new dishwasher, drive way, new large back deck, and big laundry room. Fourth bedroom would be perfect for an office or separate apartment, because it has its own separate entrance. Garage is perfect for a car or storing lots of toys.

Google map of the place.

[escobert]

I want to buy the lawn mower now.

That was my first thought! This guy should be a salesman!