Sabin's Suplex Station


Do you even suplex trains, bro? The answer to that questions is probably "no". Let's face it, none of us are quite as badass as Sabin, now are we? But fear not my pretties, for soon you'll be suplexing ghost trains that lead people into the afterlife like no one's business. Just follow these totally legit steps* and you'll be well on your way.

*Do not follow these steps.

Step 1: Gain Some Muscle

The first thing you're going to need to do is to discard those sissy arms. No one can suplex trains with sissy arms. So get to the gym and get to pumpkin that iron! And steel! Pump some titanium while you're at it! Start by lifting smaller things, like 5 lbs weights, a bag of potatoes, or a container of steroids before you take them all. Then move up and get bigger. Bench press the bench. Lift the table at dinner. Lift your car to work. Get it, you're giving your car a lift? Haha, I am quite funny. Just remember A. B. L.: Always Be Lifting.



Step 2: Grow Your Hair Out

Not too long, but you do want to be able to rock a ponytail. A short one. Not like, a hippy ponytail. Hippy's can't suplex anything, so keep that in mind. Take a page from Samson: Your hair is your power. With it, you can fight lions and tigers and bears (oh my), so keep it nice and groomed. And stay away from untrustworthy women.



Step 3: Have a Family Feud

So you're buffed up, you have a kick-ass ponytail. Where do you go from here? Well the next step is to find a martial arts master who has a son named Vargas. Become an excellent pupil to your master, making this Vargasquite jealous. One day, when he attacks your brother randomly, make sure you show up with some excellent button-pushing skills and beat that terrible jealous man in to the ground. Remember, violence is always the best way to solve problems.



Step 4: Suplex a Train

We're almost there. You've gained an unhealthy amount of muscle, grew your hair out, beat up a man. These are the steps to becoming one with the suplex. All that's left to do is enter a creepy and eerie forest with a train that guides people to the afterlife. Next, for some reason, board the train. Then realize you're stuck on the train with a bunch of ghosts, although some of them are surprisingly nice. Like that Jim. Hi, Jim! So now it's time for you to escape, which will involve running away from this train (I hope you built up your stamina) with an olde English fellow and maybe an assassin. When the train is least expecting it...



BAM

Suplex that thing in to the ground!

And that, my friends, is how you too can become a badass train suplexer.