Originally Posted by
Bubba
To: Santa
From: Eddie the Elf Scout
Subject: Potential Candidates for Present Exclusion
Merry Christmas Santa!
Here are some possible late additions to the Naughty List. Here is their information so I'll leave it to your discretion as to whether you want them excluded from receiving presents
Jar Jar Jinx
Reasons for present exclusion: Has prepared the family eggnog for the last three years and not once has she included any form of alcohol. This clearly not in keeping with the spirit of Christmas. Spirit being the operative word. Recommend no further presents until removed from eggnog duties.
Lazerface
Reasons for present exclusion: Shot his neighbour in the arse with a shotgun. The neighbour is 6 feet 7" and the child, living in constant fear due to American gun culture, believed his neighbour was a giraffe that was armed and dangerous. He also accused the giraffe of trying to "steal our jobs".
Mirage
Reasons for present exclusion: Not being an actual human being. I tracked this child for 8 days through the desert and he remained just out of sight on the horizon. If this child is ever encountered then they must be arrested immediately for being an optical illusion.
NeoCracker
Reasons for present exclusion: For crimes against FFVIII. This child has a vendetta against one of the greatest games ever created. He is unable to understand the intricacies of the story, the depth of the characters and genius that is the draw mechanic. Some of the language he has used in reference to FFVIII has been quite frankly disturbing. Omission from receiving presents is a must but death is preferable.
Old Manus
Reasons for present exclusion: Whilst drunk he fed an apple, laced with cocaine, to a horse. He then attempted to register Chuck Norris as a last minute entrant to the Grand National. Though the horse completed the course in record time, it was two hours before the race started and it hasn't been seen since.
Psychotic
Reasons for present exclusion: Quite how this child was omitted from the original list is baffling. He is basically evil incarnate. Some of his crimes include posting flaming turds through letterboxes, attaching kittens to firework rockets and perhaps worst of all... supporting Liverpool FC. Definite candidate to be placed in the festive mincer and fed to Dasher to satisfy his taste for the flesh of dead children.
Shiny
Reasons for present exclusion: It has been rumoured that she once stated that ABBA were an OK band. Even though this is a rumour, any association with these Swedish heathens must surely lead to an immediate exclusion?
SuperMillionaire
Reasons for present exclusion: Giving his fellow child classmates a lecture on the dangers of growing up and "going erotic". He stated that they should all remain children forever which is a clear attempt at gaining an increased number of presents from you over a longer period. Not to be trusted.
War Angel
Reasons for present exclusion: Not following proper Oreo etiquette. This child has been spotted on more than once occasion putting a whole Oreo in their mouth. This flies in the face of over 100 years of best practises concerning Oreo consumption. Recommend a life ban on presents and then report the child to the relevant authorities.
EDDIE THE ELF SCOUT
To: Eddie the Elf Scout
From: Santa
Subject: Re: Potential Candidates for Present Exclusion
Merry Christmas Eddie!
I'm sticking all the little smurfers on the list.
SANTA
Jar Jar Jinks
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