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Hmmm... 4 lives isn't ideal but luckily I know the next level like the back of my hand. Cue much koopa-killing and money-grabbing shenanigans.
Mario says a prayer for the unfortunate red-shelled turtle above. "You have patrolled your tree-top well. You have preserved those three coins will all the dignity and nobility that has come to be expected from your race." And then, without further ado...
...he kicks the f***er to oblivion.
No prayers are spoken for the disease-ridden Goombas though. This little prick was dispatched without a second thought.
An over-zealous jump has left Mario a little annoyed. That one coin is left suspended, tempting him like one of those pretty Toads in short skirts that work in the Mushroom Kingdom Red Light District.
"Come on" says the coin. "You know you want me."
"I can't resist you!" replies Mario
"There is a way you can have me, though it will ultimately result in your death" she said, seductively.
"Curse you, beautiful Siren!"
Mario jumps dangerously from the nearby elevator loudly declaring his undying love before surely plummeting to his death on the other side of the low platform.
Huh, well that was a bit of an anti-climax.
Putting this whirlwind romance behind him, Mario soldiers on. Putting on a feat of platforming so bold and daring it would need to be seen to believed. Parkour porn.
"And now for my final trick!" Mario announces grandly. "I will proceed to bounce off the flying turtle, straight onto the head of the Goomba then immediately launch a fireball at the red turtle waiting just behind!"
Huh, that could have gone better.
Instead of safely bypassing the dangerous flying turtle below, a sudden rage overcomes Mario. This is what Poker players describe as being 'on tilt' which means you've lost a big hand and you are suddenly prone to reckless decisions.
Indeed.
Immediatley following his first death, Mario returns to the scene of the crime. A more clinical, cautious approach was the order of the day now. He waited for the first red turtle to start heading back the way he came before making his move.
A sumptuous bop on the head and he sends the helpless koopa careering to the right of the screen.
Sexy. As. F***.
Learning from his mistake a moment ago, Mario decides to leave the last turtle to his own devices. Cue singing *He bravely ran awaaay*. As my Dad used to say, "He who fights and runs away, can run away another day"
No fireworks this time. I suppose that is fitting though after throwing his tiny Mario body at the face of a turtle.
Tune in next time where Mario opens up a swanky perfume shop in the bowels of Bowser's Castle.
Last edited by Bubba; 02-08-2016 at 05:20 PM.
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