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Bubba plays Super Mario Bros.
Welcome to the story of a fat Italian plumber with a moustache and a silly hat who takes on an army of lizards and turtles armed only with a decent jump and a severe drug habit. You couldn't make this s**t up. Well, actually you could because someone did... and made billions of pounds in the process. However, my story of an axe-wielding kangaroo called Kevin who hacks his way through hundreds of poachers in Out-Back for Revenge never gets a look-in. It just goes to show there is no accounting for taste.
Anyhoo, are you sitting comfortably? Then we'll begin...
Mario materialises out of thin air and comes face-to-face with the most famous Goomba of all time. Famous for getting his arse kicked. Not that Mario needed to bother going anywhere as we've had no explanation about what is going on. We have no idea the princess has been captured. It's a nice day, he could have kicked back with a few beers and watched the game. But no, we sigh and partake in a spot of Goomba torture.
A productive start. Like the majority of creatures in this world, or any other world for that matter, having an over-weight male jump on your head from a great height results in instant death. And people say there was no realism in gaming back in the eighties. Pfft!
Again, just like in real life, jumping into bricks really hard with your head is always a good idea. Mario's mushroom fix is about to be sated. Unfortunately, mushrooms in this world have severe social anxiety and once sprouted, they will run away from people so as to avoid awkward conversations. This is all the more impressive when you consider they have no legs.
Of course, when you come into contact with a mushroom in the Mushroom Kingdom, you immediately absorb it through your skin and double in size. I know what you're thinking, making spaghetti bolognese in this world must be a pain in the arse.
Aah, the special hidden mushroom! If you can find them, these are far more preferable for your bolognese. Considering that one of these mushrooms lets you live your life over again, the health benefits are incredible. Take that, broccoli!
With Mario so fond of special mushrooms, you won't be surprised to hear that he believes in Flower Power. A local horticulturalist actually sowed an entire field of these special flowers. Unfortunately, this flower gives you a perfect flower-destroying power. He decimated his entire crop with one badly placed fireball. He never drank again.
Mario tried to ignore the fact that his hair had changed colour and took care of a couple more Goombas. His new white outfit he kind of liked. It's a shame they're such a bastard to clean, especially considering the ground will soon be littered with charred Goomba-corpses.
Well, well, well. A new enemy. A weird turtle with a particularly unattractive face. This will surely be no match for a fully-powered Mario. The turtle's demise is watched on by a creepy-looking hill with three pairs of eyes.
One of the drawbacks of living in the Mushroom Kingdom is that you must touch a flagpole every 6 or 7 minutes or you are instantly killed. If I was ruling the kingdom I would probably relax this law slightly. As you will notice, I need to get my Italian arse in gear. These overly-hyper bouncing stars will be just the ticket.
Mario is particularly unhappy with this look. It's a good thing it isn't permanent. Taking advantage of the Goomba's incredible stupidity, he stands rooted to the spot and let's them walk straight to their doom. Then marvelling at his own incredible stupidity, realises the timer is still counting down fast. He hurries on.
Already bored of his new super power, Mario reminisces about his first Goomba kill and dispatches the next one the same way. The glory of the kill is tempered only by an increase in music speed. He was 94 seconds from death and there was still some way to go.
Puffing and wheezing, this exercise-challenged fatty drags his sorry arse towards the end of the first level. Two more kills and he'd be home free.
Mario dawdles trying to find the perfect run-up. That being the case he was almost killed. By time. True, time will eventually kill all of us but let's not get too deep on only the first level.
Mario's near-death dawdling ultimately pays off as he enjoys an additional 3000 points courtesy of an awesome fireworks display. A fitting celebration to end a great level of carnage and destruction.
Mario prepares to enter the depths of the underground Mushroom Kingdom. Join us next time for more senseless murder for no apparent reason.
Last edited by Bubba; 02-07-2016 at 04:16 PM.
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