19 hours ago: Following new legislation in Isafaro, young children are regularly seen wagering pocket money at blackjack tables.

Huh, they can't be lasting long at the blackjack table with short change.

19 hours ago: Isafaro was reclassified from "Iron Fist Socialists" to "Libertarian Police State".

Aww!

The hard-nosed, cynical population of 7 million Isafaroans are proud of their wide-ranging civil freedoms, and those who aren't tend to be dragged off the streets by men in dark suits and hustled into cars with tinted windows.

Nothing to see here, people! Move along!

My economy has improved and, wait.

Heart Disease 41%
Murder 5.5%

WHAT THE SMURF HAPPENED TO MY PERFECT DEATH COUNT? Oh, you just think you're SOOOOO clever, don't you, Dr. Summers?

Appointment Of Spiritual Advisor

We have a Spiritual Advisor?

It's time for the government to hire a new religious advisor. Your people have narrowed down the candidates to:

I'm pretty sure I had elections outlawed. What the smurf?

Catholic Archbishop Klaus Johnson: boasts an excellent track record, having rapidly increased church attendances in his constituencies through the "Reaching God Through Guilt" program. Seen as a solid choice.

Because nothing says love and forgiveness like making you feel bad about your personal choices. Keep it real, Klaus!

New Age thinker Colin Lopez: a left-field candidate with some radical ideas. "For me, it's not about the name of your religion. It's about discovering your spirituality in whatever guise that takes. Some people call that a cult: I call it taking spirituality to the people."

That... actually sounds perfectly rational. People have a strange definition of 'radical'. I mean, we have kids gambling in casinos. I don't think the bar is particularly high right now.

Finally, there's Sarah Rikkard. "If I am awarded the appointment, I will immediately resign," the ex-schoolteacher has declared.

Then why are you running? That makes about as much sense as a political party somewhere wanting to leave the union of the very government they're working to get a seat in so they'll be out of a job immediately afterwords if they actually keep their promise. The hell is wrong with you?

"Because, frankly, God is a big load of hokey. I'll be doing everyone a favor by just shutting up about it."

Ohhhhhhhh! You're one of them. ….going with the atheist.

Vultures On The Dinner Table?

Those assholes always breaking the dishes and getting their feathers everywhere.

In a bid to provide a new revenue stream for Isafaro's Beef-Based Agriculture industry, it has been suggested that Vultures could be added to the menu.

You... you want to eat the vultures?

"The fact is, the Vulture population is out of control," says Beef-Based Agriculture spokesperson Hillary al-Zahawi. "We have to do something about them anyway, so why not market them as tasty snacks? We could have Vulture kebabs, Vulture pies, Vulture-on-a-sticks--the possibilities are endless! Let's not pass up this golden opportunity to provide a feast, if you will, for our economy."



"I agree that something needs to be done about Vulture over-population," says random passer-by Lucas de Groot, "but eating them? That's kind of gross. Let's just shoot the ones we have to and shovel their bodies into ditches like normal."

I'm sorry, care to repeat that? All I heard was, “I am Groot.”

"I am shocked and appalled!" declared SPCA President Randy Mistletoe. "If anyone needs to be culled, it's us humans. The Vultures were here first, remember? We need to take this as a sign to get our industry--agriculture in particular--to back off. The Vulture is part of what makes Isafaro a great nation!"

Yeah, I'm gonna go with the SPCA President person. The rest of you are horrible, horrible people, and will now get to decide your own execution. Your following options are:

The Electric Chair
Lethal Injection
Gas Chamber
The Firing Squad
Hangings
Beheading
Crucifixion
Burnt at the Stake

If you do not choose an execution method within 24 hours one will be provided to you by random selection.

Goodnight, Isafaro! May a flight of Vultures lead thee to thy rest.

TO BE CONTINUED!