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Thread: Ayen's Plays NATION STATES!

  1. #16
    Resident Critic Ayen's Avatar
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    Following new legislation in Isafaro, the Vulture is a protected species.

    Damn right it is!

    Following new legislation in Isafaro, same-sex marriages are increasingly common.


    Following new legislation in Isafaro, college students make ends meet by selling their kidneys.

    Times are tough.

    Isafaro's influence in The East Pacific rose from "Unproven" to "Hatchling".

    Yes. Soon we'll rise above all the other puny countries and become the world's number one super power! ONWARD TO VICTORY!

    Too Much Yakking, Already, Say Delegation

    Excuse me I do not yakk! That is so rude!

    Some people say Isafaro's policy on free speech has gone too far.

    Damn you freedom! How many innocent people have to suffer before we rid of you for good!?

    "These days, anyone says whatever they want with no regard to what kind of dribble is coming out of their mouths!" says angry commuter Josh Goethe.

    Case in point, Donald Trump.

    "It's gone too far. We should go back to the good old days, when if someone started talking garbage, we'd smack them one."

    Can I smack Donald Trump?

    "We need more free speech, not less," argues civil rights campaigner Megan Dubois. "Free speech allows ideas to be explored, challenged, and discussed in a productive, open forum. It teaches our kids to be critical thinkers. And dirty words, of course, but that's just the price you pay."

    Smurf trout damn bastard bitch ass !

    "The right to free speech is a central tenet of our system of democracy," says religious leader Prudence Purpose.

    I feel a but coming on -- WAIT A MINUTE THIS IS NOT A DEMOCRACY!


    Knew it.

    surely the right to not have your religious beliefs mocked by others is worth something, too? We mustn't put up with intolerance!"

    But I like making fun of you.
    It gives me pleasure.
    Like eating mass amount of stuffing and mashed potatoes on Thanksgiving Day!

    Give the kids more freedom to say bad words!

    Citizens Struggle Under "Unfair" Tax Burden

    What!? My taxes are plenty fair!

    A recent poll has revealed high levels of dissatisfaction among the populace about tax rates.

    You want dissatisfaction? Try being a twenty-six year old virgin! Not that I have any experience with that or anything. STOP LOOKING AT ME WITH THAT FACE!

    "Do you know how much of my year's work goes to the government?" demanded angry worker Rochelle Delauter.

    20,000 credits. And I assure you they're going to a good cause.

    "Too much! Government spending has gotten way out of control. It needs big cuts in welfare, health, and education. But leave those subsidies to business alone. We need them to create jobs."

    Why are those three always the first things you people want to cut!?

    "It's not the AMOUNT of tax, it's where the burden falls," says student activist Sue-Ann Trax. "And at the moment, far too much of the burden is falling on the poor. People on high incomes still have more money than people on low incomes. I don't think I need to say anything more than that."

    What the smurf? I thought I was already taxing the rich?

    "I don't object to the amount of tax, I object to where it's being spent," says social reformer Aaron Pushkin. "I'd like to see everyone have a choice as to where their Credits go every time they fill out a tax return. Everyone would feel a lot better about opening their wallets if they had a say as to where the money went. I think you'd see a lot more public money going to education and a lot less to business."

    The cynic in me disagrees, and besides I can't go having people think this is a democracy or something. I'm god and king around here!


    Auto Industry Struggles Against Foreign Imports


    Cheap, foreign-made cars are becoming increasingly popular, causing concern in Isafaro's automobile manufacturing industry.

    Curses! Another Isafaroan job outsourced to China!

    "Unless this government does something, Isafaro won't have an auto industry for much longer," says auto industry union boss Evan Johnson, in a rare public appearance alongside management. "These foreign companies employ people for a few Credits a day. The only way to level the playing field is to raise tariffs. The government would make more money, too, so it's win-win."

    I do like making money. You make a strong case, sir.

    "For once, I agree with my grubby colleague here," says General Chassis CEO Ryan Cruz. "Although I have to say, tariffs aren't the only answer. A more effective solution would be to abolish minimum wage laws. Now that would level the playing field. And we'd be able to employ more--argh, let go of my throat!"

    Hah! That's what you get for sharing a surname with Ted Cruz.

    "I think we need to face facts," says noted economist and chat-show regular Finlay Rikkard. "We live in a global economy now, and automobile manufacturing just isn't Isafaro's strong suit. There's no point taking money from taxpayers in order to line the pockets of a few greedy workers and corrupt managers in a doomed industry. Let the market take its--argh, let go of my throat!"

    Okay, will someone find the guy who keeps grabbing everyone's throats pleases!?

    How dare you imply that Isafaro doesn't know how to make cars! We love making cars! Cars making is one of our better markets! GIVE MOAR MONEY TO THE BUSINESSES!


  2. #17
    Resident Critic Ayen's Avatar
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    Watch out, this is gonna be a long one.

    1 day 7 hours ago: Following new legislation in Isafaro, high-income earners pay a 100% tax rate.

    Sticking it to the one percent!

    1 day 7 hours ago: Following new legislation in Isafaro, punitive tariffs protect local industry.

    I don't know what any of those words mean.

    1 day 7 hours ago: Following new legislation in Isafaro, Isafaro's children are widely acknowledged as the most foul-mouthed in the region.


    People Request Not So Much Dictatorship, If That's All Right

    Oh, I'm sorry, is my dictatorship inconveniencing you?

    While effusively praising Isafaro's leadership and bowing repeatedly, a delegation has humbly requested that the government take a more "modernistic" view in the future.

    Bow like you mean it, swine! I am your master, AND YOU ARE MY SLAVES!

    The High Minister for Finance, who also happens to be your brother, dismisses the claim.


    "What these people fail to realize is that you know what's best for them. The alternative is anarchy! I say stick to your course. And execute these wackos for treason."

    I do enjoy killing people. Especially when they disagree with me. OFF WITH THEIR HEADS!

    "Perhaps the people could be given some more political freedoms," muses your Chief of Staff, who is your sister.

    I have a sister?

    "Is there really such harm in allowing public discussion of ideas? We could even have a real Opposition Party. One that isn't just full of your puppets, I mean."

    Huh, well I guess no harm would come from – wait...


    "Final Fantasy VII is a terrible game, the battle system is horrid, the graphics are dated, and the controls are clunky.”



    Military Demands Increased Spending

    Who are you to demand anything of me?

    "These are turbulent times we live in," says Defense Chief Louis Cohen. "Turbulent and dangerous. And the only sensible response to that, of course, is to build a lot more weapons. Unless we get the funding we need, I can't promise that we'll be able to defend Isafaro's sovereign borders from rogue nations and foreign powers. Or those leaky boatloads of refugees, for that matter."

    It's always a leaky boat of refugees. WHEN WILL IT END?

    "NO MORE BOMBS," chant the protestors outside Parliament House, in a repetitious and increasingly annoying appeal. Spokesperson Howard Obama,


    speaking through a feedback-afflicted microphone, says, "Isafaro needs fewer weapons, not more! Make the world a safer place! Disarm now!"

    I never thought I'd get to say these words in a game, but... KILL OBAMA! BUTCHER HIM LIKE A DOG!

    Harry Potter Censorship Row

    What year is this, 2012?

    The latest "Harry Potter" book to hit schools across Isafaro has stirred up the greatest controversy yet.

    Really, that's the greatest controversy yet? Not the kids gambling? Not the fact the Spiritual Adviser is an atheist? THAT! Someone need to sort out their priorities.

    "I quite enjoyed the book, until I got to the part where Harry summons evil demons to do his bidding," says religious leader George W. Taffs.

    Ugh, again with the religious. And what kind of a name is Taffs? It's like you want us to make fun of you!

    "Now that's just wrong. We need to restore some sense to this debate, by which I mean we should remove this book from the shelves, salt it thoroughly, and burn it."

    Nuke it from orbit. Only way to be sure.

    Teachers union President Bianca Jefferson says, "Come on, the book is fantasy! And it's a damn good read. I'd like the government to issue a statement of support for our teachers and librarians, so kids can enjoy good books without interference from religious wackos, like Christians."

    But do I have to write the statement myself?

    "You can have someone write it for you, sir."

    Okay, good. I was worried there for a minute.

    Nudists Demand Time In Sun


    A loose coalition of sartorially-challenged individuals known as "Let It All Hang Out" has called on the government to relax public nudity laws.

    Oh sweet mother of God!

    "For too long, our bodies have been trapped in these prisons of cotton and polyester!" yells protester Naki Christmas, while apparently developing a nasty case of sunburn.

    Haven't you ever heard of suntan lotion?

    "We must repeal the puritanical laws that make public nudity a crime. My body--my choice to dangle!"


    "I agree," muses sociology professor Larry Li. "But I don't think the protestors are going far enough. Public nudity shouldn't be an option: it should be compulsory. Nudity is highly liberating. And it would put that disgusting "Hooters" out of business once and for all."

    Wait, what?

    "Whoa, whoa," says noted accountant Doris Han. "Are these people serious? The last thing I want to see when I'm out for a coffee is some lumbering, over-weight nudist coming down the sidewalk toward me. If people want to get naked, they can do it in the privacy of their own homes. Think of the children!"

    You mean the children who are foul-mouthed and gamble? They'll be fine.

    Let's see here...


    Uranium Deposit Promises To Enrich Isafaro

    I like where this is going.

    Prospecting company Nukes4U has uncovered a large uranium deposit in Isafaro's south-west.

    That's an interesting name you have there. You stay up all night working on it?

    "This is a terrific find!" claims Nukes4U CEO Buffy Lee.

    Slay any vampires lately, Buffy? I'm sorry, you probably get that all the time.

    "It will provide an enormous stimulus to our economy and create thousands of new jobs. It's win-win! All we need from the government is permission to bulldoze the rainforest that's on top of the deposit."

    You mean I get nukes AND can get rid of that smurfing rainforest!? Well, I say–!

    "You've got to be kidding," says Green politician Zack True.

    Oh, goddammit!

    "This rainforest is thousands of years old! This country needs more environmental protection, not less. And to destroy the environment in order to mine uranium that then goes into nuclear bombs--well, that really sticks in my craw."

    But nuclear bombs are fun. You get to blow trout up with them. Think of all the wars we could wage!

    "There's no need for an either-or decision," says the government's Minister for Mining, Clear-Felling, and the Environment. "We can preserve most of the rainforest and allow mining of a small part. After all, think of all the good that the money from this uranium deposit can bring to Isafaro."

    Hm, well that sounds like a perfectly reasonable compromise that would make both parties happy...



  3. #18
    Trial by Wombat Bubba's Avatar
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    Harry Potter and the Minions of the Anti-Christ

  4. #19
    Resident Critic Ayen's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Bubba View Post
    Harry Potter and the Minions of the Anti-Christ
    That does it, I'm hiring you, Sephex, and Psychotic as my comedy writers. From now on I will be the funniest dictator in the world. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! -cough-

    Following new legislation in Isafaro, political activists are routinely executed.

    Kill them all, let God sort them out.

    Following new legislation in Isafaro, the latest Harry Potter book is a bestseller.

    Personally, I'm still waiting for the Hermione Granger spinoff books.

    Following new legislation in Isafaro, military spending is on the increase.

    Enjoy your number one spot while you can, America, because Isafaro's coming for you!

    Isafaro was reclassified from "Libertarian Police State" to "Father Knows Best State".

    That's right, kids. Father knows best.

    Following new legislation in Isafaro, public nudity is compulsory.

    That goes for tourists, too. So take it off, Ms. Watson.

    Following new legislation in Isafaro, the country's famous rainforests are being bulldozed by the mining industry.


    Isafaro's national animal is the Vulture, which can occasionally be seen dodging aircraft in the nation's cities.

    You go, Vulture! I think I'll name my army after you. Yes, yes The Crimson Vulture. Has a nice ring to it.

    Leading Cause of Death
    Sunburn 1.9%

    -facepalm- Seriously, is it that hard to put on sunblock?

    Minorities Demand Representation In TV Soaps

    Oh, and here we go!

    Isafaro's TV soaps--famous around the region--have come under fire for their lack of ethnic diversity.

    We will not rest until every ethic group has been featured on this show! EQUALITY WOOHOO!

    "Every night my family and I sit down to watch 'The Brash and the Backstabbing'," says Ali Eliot. "But where are the Lilliputians like myself? Where are the Bigtopians? The Marche Noirians? People from those cultures can be just as brash and backstabbing, but we never see them on the screen. The government must act to remove this silent apartheid from our TV screens."

    You're upset because your ethnic group ISN'T backstabbing people on TV? What? I – I don't understand. Perhaps my men have been beating people over the head too hard out here.

    "Those Lilliputians don't know how good they have it," says Mary Christensen, spokesperson for the Tasmanians Against Ethnic Stereotyping. "Tasmanians are on television all the time, but always in crude, stereotypical roles. The answer is not to enforce ethnic quotas, but to award government prizes for the positive portrayal of minorities. That'll work better, and be cheaper, too."

    You want me to give awards for what now?

    "The government should do what now?" says TV studio executive Imogen Vulture.[/i]

    I like this person. Something about them pleases me.

    "You've got to be kidding. We make soaps here, not documentaries. I should be able to put whichever characters I want into my shows. Quotas! Government prizes! God save me! Hasn't the government got anything better to do? Why don't they just back off and let society work out these things on its own?"

    Less work for me. You have a deal, sir!

    Genetics Brings New Life to Extinct Species

    Jeff Goldblum senses tingling!

    Scientists have announced they are close to a breakthrough in their quest to revive the feather-bellied Vulture, a species related to Isafaro's national animal that has been extinct for more than a century.

    I'll love it when it works.

    "I, for one, applaud their work," says scientist Ella Wong. "And not just because I'm the project leader. This is an example of how Isafaro's brains can mix it with the world's best. Can you imagine how wonderful it will be to have feather-bellied Vultures frolicking in the meadows again? I say full steam ahead, and more government funding!"

    Oh, yeah. Oooh, ahhh, that's how it always starts. Then later there's running and um, screaming.

    "This is a sacrilege!" says religious leader Jake Chen. "These animals are extinct because God wants them dead. Cloning them would merely incur his wrath! If we proceed down this path, it'll be humans, not the feather-bellied Vulture, who will be extinct."

    I'll tell you what you NEED, a good anti-psychotic!

    "Now, come on," says Freddy Brown, well-known philosopher. "You don't need to be religious to be unnerved by the top of this particular slippery slope. Today it's Vultures, tomorrow it's dinosaurs, and we all know how that turns out. This research shouldn't be banned, but there must be strict government controls over its use."

    If I may... Um, I'll tell you the problem with the scientific power that you're using here, it didn't require any discipline to attain it. You read what others had done and you took the next step. You didn't earn the knowledge for yourselves, so you don't take any responsibility for it. You stood on the shoulders of geniuses to accomplish something as fast as you could, and before you even knew what you had, you patented it, and packaged it, and slapped it on a plastic lunchbox, and now you're selling it, you wanna sell it. Well...

    Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether or not they could that they didn't stop to think if they should.


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