Bubba's Mass Effect Adventures

[Fox]

I guess I should probably go do the Overlord mission as well...

You know, I remember being super happy first time I played ME2 that we had the Hammerhead replacing the Mako. But after playing ME1 a few days ago... I actually quite like the Mako. The issue was never with the Mako itself for me, just the level design for it. If you landed on a random planet there was nothing interesting to do, and if you were using it for a mission the driving section would go on too long. But actually driving around and jumping over rockets with your little thrusters was great fun

[Bubba]

I have now finished Overlord and recruited the warlord!

Lots of updates are imminent. You might even call me... The Imminent Man! HA!!

That sounded so much better in my head.

[Freya]

Nerd.

[Loony BoB]

Boy, those updates couldn't be more imminent.

[Bubba]

OK, Prometheus awaits!

This was my kind of level... in that there wasn't a smurfing enemy in sight. There was just plenty of loot to be had for the having. My plain-sailing was short-lived when I arrived at a terminal which moved floor panels around. I was quite startlingly bad at this relatively simple manoeuvre. I fumbled around for about 15 mins before finally figuring out how the damn thing worked. Reaching the far end of the facility I released the lock and I was left with the simple task of retracing my steps. This being a video game though they decided that this was the point where the enemies come back from their nap/meeting/15 minute cigarette break. I killed lots of stuff and was then outside. Onward to Vulcan!

Honestly, I didn't enjoy the hopping from brick-to-brick on the lava flows. It wasn't difficult, I just thought it was very generic and platformy. Come on game, I'm a respected spectre... not a f***ing bandicoot.

Vulcan was short and not very sweet. A heavy wave of mechs and assault drones were picked off from afar. Plus the old "shoot the explosive container right next to them" tactic worked wonders. It always baffles me while they have things this unstable in all these facilities...

Worker 1: "Is Eddie not in today?"
Worker 2: "He had a half day"
Worker 1: "Huh, it wasn't on the log"
Worker 2: "Yeah, it wasn't on purpose. He tripped over an explosive container on his lunch and was blown into seventeen different pieces."
Worker 1: "Ah right, OK. Facilities Management should really move them out of the way."

Anyway, I activated the second override and there was only one place left to go... Atlas!

When I arrived here it was just a big room with an elevator at the back. Facilities Management are clearly slacking again as the elevator was out of order. Maybe they weren't slacking at all and were just playing a practical joke on the staff. The buttons next to the elevator moved it two floors but the buttons further back in the room moved it three floors. I can just imagine an FM guy hiding in a closet somewhere giggling at me as I try to get the lift to the right f***ing floor. Screw you. man.

After heading down, we came to a terminal which I immediately regretted accessing. It reminded me of the time when I took acid after watching the movie Tron. The whole place suddenly turned virtual... kind of like what Neo sees in the Matrix. Plus, I was alone! Kasumi, I need you! There were a few flashbacks in this weird world of Archer experimenting on his brother. His brother's maths skills were as impressive as they were creepy. A few more easy fights and I was riding another elevator down to finally take on this annoying, screeching VI!

From what I could gather, this pesky VI was attempting to upload porn to the Normandy which would apparently cause no end of problems. Hey man, I like Asari-on-Turian bondage as much as the next guy but there's a time and a place, you know? It was a pretty simple task of shooting these glowing globes of porn before they ascended to my beloved Normandy. Once the globes were destroyed, the VI core was exposed and my disruptor ammo was ripping through everything at the minute. VI destroyed and Overlord was complete! There was even time at the end to chat with Archer and tell him he's a terrible brother.

Tune in next time as Shepard recruits a krogan and has to conduct an awkward meeting with him following crew complaints about his body odour.

[theundeadhero]

I may have complained a lot about the Mako, but compared to the other vehicles in the series it was a dream. Really, they should just stay away from player controlled ships in the future.

[Bubba]

Imminent update is imminent! Dossier: The Warlord.

I've been sorely missing ME1 when I had good ol' Tyrannosaurus Wrex by my side. I was excited to recruit my new tank! Read the summary of the planet Korlus where this dude is located... violent crime and heavy pollution. Alec Guinness' voice drifted into my head "You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy". Sounds like my kind of place.

I landed in a wide area of rubble which, as years of gaming has taught me, will be home to all sorts of undiscovered trinkets! Clearly I know f**k all though as I just spent ten minutes fumbling around a load of rocks. Huh, oh well.

Rounding a corner, I spotted a few Blue Sun troopers in the distance having a friendly game of Trivial Pursuit. How many bits of pie have you got, lads? Well here... have a slice of mine! HA! I should so be writing Hollywood action blockbusters. My pie consisted of sniper bullets to the head then I moved on.

I kept hearing the voice of some lady talking about random crap. It can be difficult sometimes to distinguish in-game voices from the voices in my head but I'm pretty sure she was part of ME2. I came across an injured Blue Suns soldier who was suffering quite badly from a life-threatening hangnail. Obviously fearing for his life, we did nothing to allay his concerns and used it to garner some information. He tells me about this lady (J'Adore) who runs the place... and whose voice I've been hearing. Phew! She's using our boy Dr Okeer the Krogan to create a Krogan army. Apparently though, things aren't going too well. I let the injured soldier rush off for treatment in case his hangnail fatally caught on the material of his sleeve.

More pesky Blue Suns on a higher-levelled bridge. I made short work with my sniper though. I find I run out of sniper ammo far too quickly. Bring back the overheat mechanic from ME1! After they were deaded, I pushed on and came across what looked like a suicide pact between a load of Krogans. Poor dead bastards. Ooh! Here's an alive one though! He was firing away at more troopers so I thought I'd help the guy out. We had a a quick chat with him afterwards and the poor dude is only seven days old but is fully grown?? He then told me about a voice in his head (Just one, mate? Lucky you) that sounds like our boy the warlord.

We crack on to try and reach this lab. We found some more dead bodies and decided to honour them by going through their pockets for credits. Two troopers seem to spot us and immediately run away. Well, of course. FEAR US, FOR WE BRING DEATH. We took them out anyway before rounding a corner and coming face-to-face with what they were actually running away from... some badass Krogan with more health bars than a Nutri-grain factory.

Now it took me a while to deal with just one of these guys. What does the game do next? Sends about 20 more of them one-at-a-time so I spent a lengthy amount of time taking these tanks out verrrrrrry slowly. I did not enjoy this. Next came a long meander with no encounters which always makes me nervous. Managed to grab some supplies though which including a sweet sniper rifle upgrade. Aww yis!

It's a shame I couldn't use the upgrade straight away as I was in my snipering element next! Have you ever tried one of those 'shoot the duck' stalls at a fairground? Well, it was like that... but without the ducks. Or the unwashed vendor taking your money. Anyhoo, fake ducks were down and I moved on. The problem with relying on the sniper, is that my close combat pistol shooting subsequently suffers. Hence, I was mowed down outside an office at the top of some stairs. Luckily, due to bad experiences in ME1, I save the game after every 5 seconds of action. This results in no replayed sections but can mean a long time between updates on this thread. Are you buying that? Probably not.

The waves of enemies were relentless going forward. A lot of them firing rocket launchers which simply shouldn't be allowed, except mine of course. I feel like I've climbed about fifty flights of stairs but we were finally getting closer to the Krogan's lab! After leaving a final grisly trail of dead Blue suns, we have our first meet with Dr. Okeer!

I like him. He's currently working on a cure for the genophage like Saren in ME1. By all accounts though, he's not using the most ethical of practises. After a brief chat, that J'Adore lady piped up over the intercom and started flooding the place with gas. How rude. She pleasantly invited us to what I assume was a coffee morning in the room next door. Ooh, I hope she's put some nice pastries on! Imagine my surprise then, when we arrive and it's just her and a load of Krogans trying to kill us. I assume Jack or Kasumi killed J'Adore because I only downed about three Krogans and the room was clear.

I thought we dispatched them quite quickly but upon our return to the lab Dr Okeer had been, inconveniently for him, gassed to death. I assume there is no way to save him? Ahhhh, all this time I thought the doctor was gonna be our new team mate when it turns out he has a Krogan monstrosity sat in a cupboard in his office! I thought at this point, the most sensible course of action would be to bring this potentially dangerous and psychotic genetically-bred Krogan onto the Normandy.

Once we were there, I again erred on the side of caution... I released him and hoped that he wouldn't tear the ship apart on a murderous rampage. I almost instantly regretted doing this as he was threatening to tear my face open. Shepard was not voted Most Charming Spectre 2183 for nothing though. After complementing his physique and expressing in interest in some of his hobbies, Shepard convinced Grunt to join the team!

Tune in next time when an awkward ship meeting culminates in Grunt refusing to own up to blocking the men's toilet.

[Freya]

Baby Grunt is hilarious :3

[Bubba]

Horizon

Four new recruits in tow, it's time for us all to get our hands/claws dirty! The Man Illusive informed us that there was a human colony under attack from Collectors. If we hurried, we could get down there and catch the shifty f**kers in the act. There was an exciting development in the form of a cut scene from Horizon. My main man Kaidan is down there kicking ass! Oh how I've missed your handsome face, Mr Alenko.

The colonists were under attack from those weird hornet things that were first out of the game in Jumanji. One sting and you're paralysed for the Collectors to... well... collect you. Luckily, Mordin is a genius and apparently we won't be affected by the Jumanji wasps. Time to get down there and kiss save Kaidan and his chums.

This level started in the usual way for us. Pick-ups picked up, enemies sniped, celebratory dance with Kasumi while Grunt gave us a disapproving look. A brief radio chat with Joker was cut short which frankly I found as a relief as Seth Green's voice grates on me. Looks like the Collectors know we're here and are blocking our comms. They were probably alerted when I shot their friends in the face two minutes ago.

Approaching a courtyard, I immediately regretted dancing with Kasumi mere moments earlier. Because clearly, my buttshake brings all the boys to the yard. There were Collectors and what the hell... Husks?! These glass dudes were everywhere in ME1 and they don't seem to have changed much. So are the Collectors and the Reapers working together now? Well, they're gonna rue the day that they decided to join forces as Shepard will ensure there will be some serious reapercussions!


After pausing the game for ten minutes to laugh at my own hilariousness, I cleared the courtyard and pressed on. Mini cut-scene in which Shepard says these Husks look stronger and more evolved. Really? They look like the same dozy bastards to me. More Collectors up ahead. I was able to sneak through a trailer (grabbing loot on the way) to get the jump on them. Death dealed, we ran up some stairs and happened upon some petrified humans. Looks like Professor Sprout better get cracking with some Mandrake potion.

A bit further along and ohhhhh yes! We picked up some sort of Collector, space-lazer weapon! It replaced my rocket launcher so it is obviously gonna be something special. I better save this for for when we're inevitably attacked by a pan-dimensional liquid beast from the Mogadon cluster.

My decision to save this mega-weapon I immediately regretted as some heavy-duty barriered Collectors tore me a new one within five seconds of the next encounter. These guys were tough! I had a couple of retries but I was keen to save my heavy weapon. I employed my usual cowering-behind-a-box technique while Grunt and Kasumi did all the hard work.

After hacking through a nearby door, I was confronted with some twitchy mechanic guy. It's safe to say the dude is not a big fan of the Alliance and I slapped him about the chops for daring to insult Kaidan. He did mention some defence systems that we could use against the Collectors though. Groovy.

I was really confused in the next fight. These chump enemies kept glowing orange and I had no idea what was going on. It turns out they were being possessed by some chief Collector as he kept talking jive at me. I decided it was time to break out the mega-lazer. The first guy in my sights was... well, it was Grunt as the daft prick ran in front of me. The second guy in my sights though was a possessed Collector and holy crap this gun is good! The pesky chief kept jumping from enemy to enemy chatting sh*t all the while. We exchanged a few 'your momma' insults before I finally cleared the area.

I was slowly making my way to the defence system when another wave of Husks and a couple of new enemies called Scions appeared. Eeesh, I don't like them. Hard as nails. Once down though, we reached a large area in which we could activate the Alliance defence system. Unfortunately, starting this system is slower than loading a ZX Spectrum game. I'm certain this process will take just long enough for three waves of Collectors to start some sh*t.

It was a tough fight culminating in the appearance of a giant Jumanji Wasp. If there was ever a time for me to rock my mega-lazer, it was now! He was particularly annoying due to his shield constantly refilling. We eventually wore him down though as I shot him lots, bent him over my knee and spanked his little bottom blue.

Cue cut-scene and I was ready for a slow-motion embrace between Kaidan and Shepard with some full on tongue action. I was sorely disappointed however when he basically said I'm a dick for siding with Cerberus. I didn't use all Paragon responses (though no Renegade ones) but at the end he just walked away! You're breaking my heart. man! With that, we were transported back to the Normandy.

Tune in next time when Shepard picks up a flower but his game of "He loves me, he loves me not" does not end like he'd hoped.

[Freya]

Ahh trout's starting to happen! Ahhhh are you spooked yet?

[Bubba]

Ahh trout's starting to happen! Ahhhh are you spooked yet?

Not spooked, just curious! Excited to see further developments I assume I couldn't recruit Kaidan at that point then?

I went back to the Normandy and I've got a crapload of new missions that have just appeared. I spoke to Jacob and Miranda and they both want me to go off-mission and help them out with their situations. I assume these are the loyalty missions? I've got Kasumi's to do as well. Plus, a few more Dossier Recruitment missions. I don't know where to start!

Do you think it's worth doing some of the loyalty ones first or are they better saved till nearer the end?

[Freya]

Yeah do the loyalty missions as soon as you can. You'll also have a chance to do the next DLC, Lair of the Shadow Broker. That one fits best until after the last big story mission, though.

You'll have one more big story one (like horizon) and after that you need to try to get all your loyalty missions done. Because the next story mission after that one is the IFF. That's the "point of no return". If you dawdle on too many missions after the IFF one then it'll negatively affect your endgame.

After that point, you'll have got your very very last member. Talk to them right away to get their loyalty mission. Do it, then get onto the endgame. Anymore missions after that and those negative consequences will happen.

[Bubba]

AHH YES, Lair of the Shadowbroker! That popped up as well after Horizon. My beloved Liara!! There was a message saying she'd been tracking the Shadow Broker and she was down on Illium. That is definitely my next stop. I've been faithful, Liara, I have! Although it must be said I've been flirting with Kelly, Miranda and Jack so far. No touchy-touchy though.

The Jack flirting is a recent development. I don't know what it is but I've got a bit of a thing for her. It's weird because I hate tattoos and I love... err hair. I think it's her bolshy attitude. I kind of want to see if Shepard can tame her.

Well, I'll do Shadow Broker and see how I feel once my blue lady is back in the picture. Unless of course she's gone and had babies with Conrad Verner.

[Freya]

Well do the next to recruit missions first on illium before then at least. Because I think there's a side quest there for liara if I remember that's just part of the normal game. Or do it first! It's whatever!

[theundeadhero]

smurfboi Kaidan was all I though I got rid of you. HE NEVER LOVED YOU! Maybe it makes you wish he would have... died. Liara though. What's happened to Liara? Does she still love you? Did she ever love you? Are you nervous to find out?