Bubba's Mass Effect Adventures

[Bubba]

Tachunka

My first visit to the Krogan planet of Tachunka, which I'm sure was the name of an old wrestler in the WWF... anyway, let's crack on.

The basic premise of our mission is that Mordin's old work buddy, Melon, was being held against his will by the Blood Pack. Back in the day, Melon and Mordin were hosts of a Saturday morning kids TV show worked together on mutating the genophage. Let's see if Melon is as crazy as his partner.

Upon on landing, we received the standard unpleasant Krogan greeting and were told to report to their leader. It seems from there they will decide whether or not to kill us. Awesome.

I meet first with a cool Krogan shop owner called Rash. His attitude was rare for a Krogan in that it seemed he didn't want to vomit all over us. He actually gave me a cool side quest where I had to use a grenade launcher to kill these rat monkey things called Peejacks or something. I was suitably fantastic and completed it in one try. No monkeying around from me! Haha LOL!

Next I had a brief chat with a Krogan scout who tells me that the Krogan are fighting amongst themselves here on Tachunka. I tried my best to look surprised. I also spoke to a Krogan mechanic who says he needs a combustion manifold. Don't worry pal, I know exactly what that is and I'll pick one up from Tesco later on.

There was shed loads to see here and I spoke to a Krogan scientist who was clearly tapped in the head. He had a pet Peejack sat in the corner and the game (rather disgustingly) gave me the option to punch it! I'm not an animal though and would not harm a defenceless creature.

After punching the peejack in the face, I bet on a fight between two Varren in some sort of fight-to-the-death pit. After losing three times in a row I got the feeling this was a huge fix and moved on. There was a shaman and another dude around the corner but they seemed pretty boring.

Finally, I approach this throne and who was sat there looking as beautiful and ugly as ever?! TYRANNOSAURUS WREX!! How've you been old buddy, old pal?! We embraced like brothers though I may have gone too far when I signed "You complete me" to him. Unfortunately, he didn't know much about Melon but directed me back to his scout.

The Krogan scout tells us that Melon is being held by some Blood Pack mercs over at some abandoned hospital. Cheers you ugly bastard, time to leave Tachunka for now and get me some more loyalty!

[Bubba]

Mordin - Old Blood

So the chief scout got us a groovy jeep ride over to the abandoned hospital to see what's shaking with Mordin's old partner. We'd barely stepped out of the jeep when we were attacked by two of these new dudes called Klixens. They kinda looked like those rubber finger monsters you used to get as a kid, remember? Ugly little things with wavy arms. They were pretty tough and for some reason, even though they were clearly an organic lifeform, they exploded when they died. How does that work?? Anyway, it was highly inconvenient.

This area had bog all in terms of pick-ups so I pushed on dispatching a couple more finger monsters on the way. They were soon joined by some charming Varren dogs, Vorcha and Krogans who clearly did not take too kindly to our presence. That's fine, I didn't take too kindly to their faces so they were soon shot to sh*t.

We arrive at the main hospital entrance and were not exactly welcomed with open arms. There were some Vorcha outside brandishing flamethrowers which I'm damn sure they didn't have permits for. Rather than ask them for ID I decided to snipe them from behind a rock. Shoot first, ask questions later and all that. Also, grabbed me a combustion manifold for that mechanic's side quest. Sweet.

Inside the hospital there were human bodies strewn on the floor... kind of like Manchester A&E on a Saturday night. A cut scene with Mordin tells us that the Krogan have been experimenting on us humans as we are genetically fantastic and are great for lab experiments. Lucky us.

We eventually arrive in this hangar where some pretty nasty Blood Pack Krogans were waiting for us. This bit was weird as they told us they were going to let us go and warn people not to come here. Even though I went paragon it seemed this fight was unavoidable. These bastards were a pain in the arse too. There was hardly any cover and they came pouring down the stairs. I died twice but bested them third time round. Tricky blighters.

We arrive in a Krogan lab where it was pick-ups galore. There was also a dead female Krogan on a table which triggered a cut scene with Mordin. It seems that he's showing some remorse for his involvement with the genophage business. Don't worry mate, I'm sure the knowledge that you were implicit in wholesale murder won't haunt you until the day you die. Mordin is a bad monkey.

Next we found a depressed looking Krogan scout locked in a room. He was happy just to sit there and waste away but I was having none of it. Get your arse in gear, soldier! This updated another side quest for me and the guy went trundling on his way.

Some final enemy waves to take care of next culminating in an appearance by some bad ass Krogan called Chief Wiggum or something. He was packing loads of shield and armour so I employed the reliable tactic of just lazering him to death.

We get to the final room where Melon is waiting patiently for us. We kinda thought he was being forced to work for the Krogan but it turns out he was actually there willingly. Treachery! Mordin decided that his old pal should be sacrificed and pulled a gun on him. I kinda agreed so nearly didn't use my paragon interrupt but decided I wanted those good person points. Due to his near-death experience, Melon was a changed man. He swiftly left and lived out the rest of his days selling creams and body lotion to Vorcha. Thus endeth the loyalty mission for Mordin!

Tune in next time when the entire Normandy crew follow through with a suicide pact when they discover that Donald Trump was elected President of the United States.

[Freya]

bahaha

Yeah Mordin is an interesting story. Like the genophage was horrible but you kinda understand but then you don't and you do and you're like ughhhh this is horrible.

[Bubba]

bahaha

Yeah Mordin is an interesting story. Like the genophage was horrible but you kinda understand but then you don't and you do and you're like ughhhh this is horrible.

Yeah, I get what you mean. I'm pretty ambivalent towards the genophage as well. If it hadn't been done the Krogans could've just rampaged across the galaxy. I'm glad it wasn't a choice I had to make!

[Bubba]

Grunt - Rite of Passage

Staying on Tachunka, it's time to get young Grunt to kiss my arse too. He's been increasingly angry and basically wants to tear everything apart all the time and thinks something might be wrong with him. I could've told you that, pal. Hopefully the dudes on Tuchanka might be able to help him out with his little problem.

I went to my pal T-Wrex first of all and he didn't disappoint. It turns out there's nothing wrong with Grunt, he's just going through Krogan puberty! That would explain all those awkward erections on the last mission. Wrex sent us over to the Krogan Shaman who explained that young Grunt will need to complete a rite of passage to prove his worth. Only then will he be considered a true Krogan.

There was a bit of a problem though as Grunt is a clone and doesn't belong to any clan. Not all the Krogans were keen on him taking the rite but Shepard, as per usual, talked them round. Also, there is no way our boy Grunt is going in there alone. Myself and Jack are gonna be right by your side... taking pictures and laughing.

The rite was actually pretty cool. Have you ever played Super Smash TV? It's kind of like that. A big arena with enemies that come pouring in from all sides... only without the cheesy TV host shouting "Big money, big prizes! I love it!" We basically have to press this keystone to initiate a wave of enemies. Me being a complete idiot, I decide to scour the battlefield for supplies before starting the first wave. I then realised that I may need these supplies after each wave had finished. The first human spectre, everyone.

Eventually I pressed the keystone to get us started, if only to get Grunt to stop saying "Press the keystone, Shepard", "Shepard, you need to press the keystone", "You need to activate the keystone, Shepard"... I KNOW you big, annoying prick.

OK, first wave was a piece of piss. It was just a load of Varren stinking up the battlefield. I was able to take most of them out from afar. The ones that did get in close regretted doing so instantly. The second wave I crapped myself initially as this huge flying vulture appeared that I couldn't shoot. Luckily, it was just dropping a load of those Klixen finger monster things. This was definitely tougher as they came from all angles and man... do not let these things get close to you. They do obscene amounts of damage so I did lots of brave running away. Oh yeah, what's the deal with Shepard only being able to sprint for about three seconds before getting knackered?? The dude is more unfit than I am!

Wave three and what a blast from the past! A Thresher Maw! These bendy bastards caused plenty of Shepard deaths back on my ME1 play through. Apparently, I only had to survive this encounter for five minutes. Great. I was clearly about to be battered by this thing. I decided I wanted Grunt to pass his rite with flying colours though so I tried taking the thing down. His armour was tough as sh*t so I whipped out the old lazer. It was still only taking it down slowly, plus the blasted thing kept destroying my cover. I was soooo close to dying twice. We did it eventually though I think with about a minute remaining. Go team!

We weren't done yet though. One of the Krogans from earlier (the one who opposed Grunt's participation in the rite) showed up and had clearly changed his tune. He invited Grunt to join their clan after watching his awesome display against the Thresher Maw. Grunt though, remembering the Krogan's animosity towards him earlier, blew a raspberry at him and called him a smelly poopoohead. Cue firefight!

Following the defeat of a Thresher Maw, these chumps were easy work. We took some cover and picked them all off in a matter of minutes. End of mission! Grunt was confirmed a Krogan by the Shaman and even ended up joining Wrex's Urdnot clan. Couldn't have chosen a better one for you, son!

Tune in next time when Shepard takes part in Movember resulting in him accidentally being added to the sex offenders register.

[Formalhaut]

One important question: did you save the genophage data or decide to destroy it? It comes up again in ME: 3 and has some surprising consequences.

[Freya]

I love baby grunt and all his trials :3

[theundeadhero]

I was wondering what you did with Melonhead's research too.

[Bubba]

One important question: did you save the genophage data or decide to destroy it? It comes up again in ME: 3 and has some surprising consequences.

I was wondering what you did with Melonhead's research too.

Haha, once again I waffle absolute bollocks and forget to mention the important bits

I was actually in two minds about whether to destroy it or not. It was a close call but I decided to save it. My thinking was that I can still destroy it later down the line if need be. Whereas if I destroy it now it's gone for good. I probably smurfed up again. I suppose I'll see in ME3!

I've got three more loyalty missions (Jacob, Samara & Tali) to type up. I'd better get my arse in gear tomorrow.

I've pretty much explored every planet now and I've done soooo many side quests. They're actually really varied and make the game much richer. The only loyalty missions I've got left to play are Garrus, Thane & Kasumi. After that I'm full steam ahead to the end!

[Bubba]

Jacob - The Gift of Greatness

Our pal Jacob is not a huge talker though he eventually opened up to me about a personal matter. It turns out he has some unresolved Daddy issues (Cats in the Cradle plays gently in the background). Apparently, his father's ship crashed ten years ago and not a peep was heard... until now. Jacob received a distress call from the ship on his personal log. We head over to the fantastically named planet of 2175 Aeia. Snappy.

After sending a probe down, we're able to land and this place is like the freakin' Amazon. The rainforest that is, not the internet-based retailer. The crashed ship wasn't hard to miss so myself, Jacob and Jack hustled over to see what had happened. There was a pretty smurfed up VI near the wreckage. Fill me in, pal! So this ship wasn't built to land anywhere (a bit late now!) and this planet didn't turn out to be the best spot. The surviving crew were chowing down on the local plant life. Whilst it tasted great as part of a nicoise salad, it makes you forget your own name and go bat-sh*t crazy.

We head on up the coast and happen upon one of the females and hoooooo boy. She was really twitchy, said she was following some leader then claimed that FFII was the best game in the series. Clearly smurfing mental. The conversation ended abruptly though as an equally-smurfed-up male started shooting at us. I paragon-saved Margot Kidder and was thrust into a firefight with a few locals. These guys had no shields or anything so were no match for my sniper rifle. I spoke to Margot again afterwards but she was just rocking back and forward muttering "soup is a drink... soup is a drink" so I just left her alone with her insanity.

A bit further up the hill there was a large group of women who seemed reasonably sane... from afar. Up close they were clearly not all there. They were worshipping some statue made out of metal, palm trees and duct tape. These women scared me more than their homicidal male counterparts. I didn't linger here a second longer and carried on climbing. There were some mechs further up but they were a bit addled as well. Someone give me a real fight!

There was a female doctor nearby who whilst wasn't quite as mental as the others, still couldn't read or function properly... just like your typical Trump supporter. Oooof, satire! We examine a nearby PDA and it appears that Jacob's father may have been up to some evil shenanigans. We don't know for definite though so lets give him the benefit of the doubt for the time being.

There were some corpses further up the hill which I never take as a good sign. More pesky mechs appeared but again were clearly malfunctioning. It was a tad trickier than before though due to the sheer number of them. We finally arrive outside Jacob's Dad's place. He was talking to us over the intercom saying that the mechs and the guards are beyond his control. I knew he was a goodie!

Last fight of the mission and finally some challenge! A big-ass Fenrir Mech popped up along with a load more of those mentally-disturbed dudes. The mech was pretty lethal so I decided to focus on him first. My heavy lazer was the order of the day and Number Johnny Five was out for the count. I was just left with the simple task of mopping up the crazy men and that was it. OK, Jacob's Dad (Ronald)... let's hear your story.

Well, Ronald Taylor seemed completely compos mentis. After a bit of prying he comes clean. He'd let all his crew eat the poisonous local plants and kept all the ships food stores for himself. He even killed his senior officers in the process. The ship's beacon was actually repaired not long after the crash but he chose not to use it. He was living the high life with all the food stores whilst his crew lost their minds. I knew he was a baddie!

We decide that the best course of action is to send him to prison for a very long time. Jacob is disgusted with his father and pretty much disowns him (...and the cats in the cradle and a silver spoon...). Mission over! We're transported back to the Normandy and have an interesting conversation with the Illusive Man. Shepard is suspicious that it was him that gave Jacob the info about his Dad. It was at this point Miranda owned up and said she gave Jacob the message as she was keeping an old promise. Hmmm... me thinks that Jacob and Miranda may have bumped uglies in the past! Well if that's the case I'm glad I decided to romance Jack. I'm not having Jacob's sloppy seconds.

Tune in next time when Shepard puts a stop to Thane's violin lessons after his appalling cover of Maroon 5's Moves Like Jagger.

[Freya]

Bahaha that was a great write up. I'm very amused.

Jacob's dad is a douche.

[Bubba]

Samara - The Ardat-Yakshi

Why are all my team-mate's families so smurfed up? When we found Samara back on Illium, she was tracking down the Ardat-Yakshi (which is Japanese for 'nipple-clamp' - don't look it up, just trust me). It transpires that her target is actually her daughter and is really smurfing dangerous. I'll show you dangerous, love. Samara has discovered that her daughter is causing havoc down on Omega so we blast ourselves over there for a look-see.

There's only one go-to person for information on Omega and that's our Asari Disney princess, Arial. We head to Afterlife for a bit of a chin wag. Arial reliably informs us that the Ardat-Yakshi likes to seduce club-goers, take them back to her apartment then kill them. It also happens that she has had a recent victim. Time to do some investamagating!

Arial had given us the details of the victim's mother so we left Afterlife and tracked her down at some nearby apartments. The mother's name was Diana and she was clearly still traumatised by her daughter's death. Shepard's impromptu rendition of Michael Jackson's Dirty Diana did nothing to improve her mood. The victim was called Nerf who was an artist and a bit of a loner. Her behaviour had changed in recent weeks as she was constantly clubbing it with her new Asari friend. Hmmm... At the end of our conversation, Dirty Diana broke down in tears. I was able to paragon-interrupt here and Shepard consoled her by creepily rubbing her back.

We needed some more info so we decided to ransack Nerf's room. I'm sure she won't mind with her being dead and all. We looked through her recent video diary entries and I actually felt really sorry for her. She was clearly infatuated with Samara's daughter (her name is Morinth) who took advantage of her vulnerable nature. Our strategy suddenly became clear. We would use Shepard's ridiculous levels of charm to play Morinth at her own game. So Shepard changes into a chequered shirt, dark jeans and then splashes on some Old Spice. Time to go on the pull!

I remember being turned away from the VIP section earlier in the game. Not this time! We dropped the name Jaruut (gained from Nerf's video) at the door and we were in. Samara (who was keeping a low profile) gave me a bit of a pep talk before we got into the club proper. Pffft! I'm a handsome, charming Spectre. I don't need tips! Samara insisted though and it appears Morinth is drawn to confident, aggressive, artistic types. Gives me a nice excuse to go for some renegade options!

Apparently, she's going to be watching me from the moment I walk in so I need to make an impression. I'm barely through the door when I start chatting to this guy called Vag. He seems to have a bit of a thing for our Morinth and is trying to get tickets for a band that they both like. Cheers for the info, kid! I speak to another guy further along called Huffin or something. He was banging on about his reporter boss and some safe words. I don't know, I wasn't really paying attention. I was looking for my lady!

I then manage to convince a couple of Turians not to rob everyone before finally persuading the barman to give everyone a free round of drinks. Shepard was clearly on Charm Factor Ten so I wasn't surprised to see Morinth saunter over and invite me for a private chat. Too easy!

I then had an enjoyable chat with Morinth where I was being particularly arsey. It made me excited for my RenFemShep play through next! We discussed her favourite band, my love of danger before I dramatically recited Shakespeare's "Now is the winter of our discontent" speech and she was like putty in my hands. She didn't even hesitate in inviting me back to hers for some jiggy jiggy time. Lead the way!

I had a quick shifty round her apartment before making myself comfortable next to her on the sofa. I gave her the old Flyn Rider smoulder and she was all over me. I decided enough was enough though and hinted towards the real reason I was here. She was not pleased. Luckily, Samara appeared at this point wielding her biotic powers and I was suddenly caught between a mother/daughter clinch... and not the kind that I fantasise about.

Oooh, I wasn't expecting this! I was given the choice to help defeat Morinth OR Samara! Killing Samara is obviously the Renegade option. Does that mean Morinth takes Samara's place on your team? I suppose I'll find out next play through as I sided with my girl Samara this time. Her daughter was defeated and this mission was over!

Samara and I had a brief chat back on the Normandy to make sure she was OK. She's obviously quite sad but relieved at the same time. I decided this would not be an appropriate moment to tell her about my mother/daughter threesome fantasy.

Tune in next time when Shepard issues Grunt with a written warning when his extensive plushie collection causes a small fire in the cargo hold.

[Freya]

Yeah she will impersonate Samara! You can seduce her too but it game overs you hahahaa

[Bubba]

You can seduce her too but it game overs you hahahaa

Hahaha!! That's amazing! I might have to YouTube that later on

[Bubba]

Tali - Treason

This sounds serious. You could tell it was serious by the look on Tali's face...

Pic 1.jpg

See.

We have to travel this floating floaty thing in which the Quarians float around in. It was pretty cool actually! Tali pissed me off slightly upon our arrival telling her Quarian friends that our ship wasn't clean. Oi!! I'm busy saving the galaxy! Plus, do you know how much it would cost for a full-time cleaner?!

We're greeted by Captain Kardashian who gets us up to speed on Tali's charges. It seems she's been sending active geth back to the fleet. Tali says that she sent parts back but none of them were active. It sounds to me like she's been stitched up but it looks like we're gonna have to have a trial anyway.

Tali seems to have sneakily changed her surname to Normandy via deed poll. Apparently this means Shepard has adopted her or something, I don't know. Either way, I'm able to represent Tali in her upcoming trial! Luckily for her I've seen every episode of Judge Judy... she'll be fine.

The trial begins with a nice display of blatant racism. One of the council objects to me representing Tali because I'm not a Quarian. Smurf you, man. Luckily, the other council members insist as Tali carries the Normandy name. OK, here we go! Tali explains again that she sent inactive geth parts to her father. It's then the council drop their bombshell. Tali's Dad's ship has been taken over by geth! The Council eventually come to the conclusion that our team should head over to Tali's Dad's ship to find out the truth. Shepard's response of "YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!!" was ignored by everyone and we agree to go.

The council provided a nice shuttle for us to get over to the ship (The Alarei). Apparently, Tali's father was investigating geth technology because he wanted to reclaim the Quarian's homeworld which is currently occupied by geth. Damn squatters. We enter the Alarei and are finally able to draw our guns. Time to open a can of whoopass on these geth!

There was a nice greeting party of geth waiting for us with balloons and party poppers... and guns. The geth hunters in particular were a bunch of bastards with their Star Trek cloaking devices. They were dispatched with minimal fuss and we entered a room on the left. The geth parts that Tali had sent were here. I couldn't help but notice that she'd sent them via Parcelforce instead of Royal Mail... I would convict her of treason just for that.

Another wave of geth appeared so I waved them goodbye! LOL! Thank you, I'm here all week... or all year with this thread. Anyway, we find a terminal and we have absolutely no clue how the geth got on board. It does kind of seem that poor Tali has been framed. This ship was clearly here to help the Quarians take back their planet though. More geth with those ever-so-pesky hunters to deal with before we eventually reach the body of a Quarian at the end of the room.

It's clearly not a good week for the Dads as the dead Quarian turned out to be Tali's father. I proceed to console my friend with another creepy back rub. Tali's father had kindly left a recording of his final moments just to compound her feelings of loss and heartbreak. Good going, Dad. We push on to try and find some evidence to exonerate Tali.

A deadly geth prime blocked our path to the final terminal. I'm currently a healthy level 23 though so the challenge was minimal. We get to the terminal where we finally find out what the hell's going on. Tali's Dad and the scientists were reactivating the parts that she sent them (naughty naughty) and he decided not to inform the Quarian powers-that-be. Tali was embarrassed by her father's actions and asked me not to tell the council what he'd done. You think that's bad? My Dad once told a group of my friends that my Mum was a big fan of bondage when they were married. Now that's embarrassing. OK, fine.

We arrive back on the Quarian floaty float and are brought back in front of the council. Shepard was gonna need to be charm central to pull this off. I keep Tali's secret to myself and instead focus on the fact that she helped clear her Dad's ship of geth. I also make up some crap about her volunteering in a soup kitchen and the council finally agrees to drop all charges. I must have been very convincing because back on the Normandy Tali mentions that the Quarians were considering having her take her father's place on the council. Go me!

Tune in next time when Thane buys a wig and the crew are shocked to see he bears a striking resemblance to Liza Minelli in Cabaret.