Mars
Oooh, pretty! Mars has always been my favourite of our planets. Though it has to be said, I was disappointed that they made the same mistake as The Martian movie in regards to this "huge storm" that was causing us problems. The atmospheric pressure on Mars is really low so a storm like this wouldn't actually be possible.
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OK, I'll let it slide because it does look lovely. Shepard, Kaidan and James move away from the drop ship and stumble upon some formerly-alive people lying on the ground. Imminent fisticuffs, methinks! We crouch behind a wall a bit further on and spot some assault troopers in the distance and oh yes! Sweet sweet sniper, how I have missed thee! We took care of business and it was revealed they were wearing Cerberus uniforms. Cue whining from Kaidan "Wah! Why are you friends with them even though I hate them?! Wah!" I'm not so shut it, mate. You used to be cool. What's happened to you?
We took out a few more goons further on outside a huge facility. Time to find out what the craic is! We entered via an elevator, cue cut-scene. There was some scrambling from a nearby vent. Someone was being chased by a couple of troopers and... Oh! Oh! *sprays deodorant, checks breath* It's my dear Liara! Clearly she has either forgiven me or forgotten about my err... tête-a-tête with little Jack as she didn't mind at all when I invaded her personal space Right, down to business (not that kind of business, you filthy animals). Liara filled us in on the details.
The site actually contained some huge Prothean artifacts which were being investigated. It looks like they were used as some kind of advanced weapon against the Reapers. Ahh, that's why Cerberus are here! They want to half-inch it for themselves and build a Death Star or something. Just try it, bawbags!
I assigned Liara her skill points and ooh, question! Anyone who I've assigned points to so far had about 30-odd to go on, plus I started the game at Level 30. Is this the generic starting level/points for the game or is it based off my heroic exploits in ME2? I don't think the game has mentioned giving me bonuses for my performance in the last game? Maybe I was sh*t? If you guys could let me know, cheers
Due to my abundance of points, I decided to max out her Singularity as it's my favourite move. Whaddya know?! An immediate chance to use it! There were a few goons on the upper level so Liara was all "Levicorpus!" and we annihilated them.
We head to the upper level and through a door and pick up some gauntlets. Then I spent 10 mins faffing in the menu trying to equip them. No idea how to. Any ideas? I found a Submachine Gun too which seemed to equip automatically. Will my gauntlets have been auto-equipped too?
After checking a security console, it seems that a Dr. Ava is here and still alive. New squadmate? Our path takes us outside the facility briefly and we get to look at the extremely impressive (but totally unrealistic - do your research, game!) storm. We eventually find a workbench a la The Last of Us so we can upgrade our weapons! Still not sure about my other gear though
Liara and I shared another nice little cut scene where I touched her face... and not in a creepy way. This tender moment was short-lived though as a wave came bearing a new enemy! I think they're called Guardians but I called them Post Boxes. They slowly bear down on you with a huge shield and a thin slit so they could see. Well... they don't call me The Mailman for nothing! (SPOILER)Nobody calls me this...
Fun fact: I once frisbied a birthday card into a post box from about ten feet away. It's still one of my proudest achievements. The principle here was the same only the letter was a sniper rifle. I thoroughly enjoyed taking these post boxes out with my surgeon-like precision.
Picked up a few more mods in the next couple of rooms before more goings-on were revealed! It turns out Dr Ava isn't going to be a squad-mate. She apparently is working for Cerberus and killed everyone at the facility by suffocating them all. Not really Normandy material, if I'm honest.
Ahhh, lovely auto-turrets. I had to do a little dodging in-and-out from cover to get past this jock-off turret firing a million rounds per second. I couldn't get used to the controls though and ended up stood right in front of it getting shot to sh*t. I barely survived with no health and no shield. Damn you, new game mechanics!
We managed to get around it and clear the room. Ooh! After inspecting one of the troopers it turns out they're actually Husks! Cerberus, you naughty boys. Kaidan pipes up again and is all "Gawwwd! You're such a Cerberus fanboy!" Kaidan mate, you're walking a very thin line at the minute. You wouldn't even be here if it wasn't for me. Prick.
Christ alive, I'm waffling again. We kill more things, get on a tram, tram is attacked, we kill more things, change trams, proceed, kill more things. OK! We get a hologram call from a lit cigarette... and it had an Illusive Man attached to it. Seriously, this dude needs to cut down. He explains about his plans for the Death Star and the fact that he's breeding an army of Uruk-Hai. We then discover that all the information about the Prothean weapon has been downloaded and is now being deleted... locally!
Kaidan discovers Dr Ava at the back of the room deletingher browser historythe Prothean information and she turns tail and runs. Not so fast, bitch! She was tricky to keep up with whilst trying to shoot her... I ended up not shooting at all and waited to see where we would end up. I thought I'd buggered up here as she got on a transport and flew away. It was at this moment however, that f**kwad Freddie Prince Jr decided to ram into her with the drop ship. Brave, but stupid. Both ships crashed on the roof nearly killing him, her and us. F**ks sake, man!
Dr Ava pops out of the wreckage looking all badass. She grabs Kaidan and threatens to do some serious damage. Now this bit was weird. I have my gun trained on Ava then she proceeds to spin round and slam Kaidan into the crashed ship. Shepard meanwhile, just stands there and watches. I mean, I'm a bit pissed off with the guy but I don't want to see him beaten to death right in front of me! Once Kaidan looked like a retired crash-test dummie, Shepard finally raises his gun. A pretty cool Red-Dead style slo-mo shooting section appears and Dr Ava is finished. Thus endeth the level.
Kaidan was in a bad way so we decide to blast over to the Citadel to see if they can help him. Based on the fact that I know MaleShep can romance Kaiden in this game... I'm gonna assume he doesn't die. Either that or Shepard hides his necrophilia really well.
Tune in next time when Kaidan gets his first bad review on eBay for a delayed package delivery.