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Thread: Bubba's Mass Effect Adventures

  1. #601
    Trial by Wombat Bubba's Avatar
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    You mean the Priority: Rannoch mission?

    You might as well tell me. No doubt I've buggered something up.

    Edit: Oh man, I didn't mention Legion's sacrifice! He gave up his life in order for the rest of the geth to become fully sentient.

  2. #602
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    Priority: Thessia

    Despite the death of Legion, things were looking up. Neither the Quarians or the geth had perished and they have both agreed to fight the reapers with us. Excellent! Right, I think it's about time to completely f**k things up.

    My dear Liara's homeworld of Thessia was under serious attack from those crazy-ass Reapers. Obviously this was unacceptable and Shepard rushes to the aid of the Asari in order to receive some mind-blowing sex save the ancient race.

    The familiar sound of sh*t-hitting-fan was clear for all to hear when our dropship landed. Shepard, Liara and Kaiden were sprinted down a ramp to assist some Asari under heavy fire. Within seconds of getting down there the barrier they were conjuring (conjuring? Creating? Casting? Idk...) was destroyed and Husks were pouring through!

    Oooh, a gun turret! Time for a spot of husk-hunting. Shepard jumps behind the controls and what do we have here?? There were a load of Brutes heading over the horizon. Shepard shouts "Et Tu Brute?!" and mows them all down. He helps Liara and Kaidan mop up the Husks and we have saved Thessia! Well, not quite. We chat briefly to the Asari Commander Kurin and we need to head to a place called Outpost Tykis. I'm betting that things there will not be all sunshine and roses.

    It would be an understatement to say that the buildings on Thessia could use a lick of paint. Unless the theme they were going for was crack den after nuclear explosion. Enemies here were pretty straight-forward. Marauders a-marauding, husks a-husking, banshees a... what now? What the hell is a banshee?

    Ahhh, ok. It turns out banshees are mutated Asari that are controlled by the Reapers. Nice. Well no, not nice at all. They are horrible. You know the pain you get when you bang your shin on a coffee table? Well judging by the noise they make, they experience this pain constantly. They teleport around, screaming and trying to kill you. No thanks, game. I'm all good. My ridiculously souped-up sniper eventually took care of it but it was still brown-trousers time.

    We proceed into more demolished buildings and there were some Asari snipers under fire from a couple of Cannibals. Oh lovely! We were approaching the Cannibals from behind and they were unaware of our presence We stealthily stealthed over, stole their pocket money and gave them a wedgie... before killing them to death.

    We help the snipers clear out the area the other side of them and...sweet! An even better sniper rifle! A bit further along there was an Asari soldier in a spot of bother. Her platoon/regiment/people-she-was-with were all dead. You're in the company of Commander Shepard now, love. All is well.

    To be honest, I didn't actually need to do an awful lot. The lone Asari called for help on her radio and an Asari gunship showed up and blasted everything to sh*t. It was taken out straight after but still, cheers for the help dudes!

    There was a clusterf**k of enemies further up the slope. Husks, Ravagers, Marauders, banshees (shudder) and two flappy-ass Harvesters. This was not as troublesome as it sounds, surprisingly. The fact that I spent 90% of the time behind cover may have been the reason for this... *Shepard uses Unity again* "Come on, guys. Put some effort into it"

    At the very top of the slope was the Asari temple. Ooooh, fancy! There were lots of old Asari artefacts on display along with a huge statue. Luckily, Shepard has an in-built Prothean beacon radar and calmly tells Liara that this huge statue is one of them. Wasn't expecting that one! The beacon also thinks Shepard is a Prothean and basically says "Come touch my artefacts... come turn me on". We run around touching all the old Asari stuff and the beacon is revealed!

    Oooooohhhhh!!!!!! It's similar to the beacon found on Mars and would appear to explain why the Asari are the most advanced race in the galaxy! Here was me thinking they were just more evolved than us. They've been scumming Prothean technology to advance themselves, the sneaky bastards!

    Anyway, the beacon spits out an old Prothean AI and we're on the cusp of gaining the information we need to complete the Crucible and kick the Reapers to the kerb! There appeared to be one more monkey in the wrench though... Kai Leng. Looks like we'll have one more boss battle before this mission is through.

    Before fisticuffs though, he shows us a familiar face. The Illusive Man! He too is after the information contained in the beacon. Over my dead body, pal! Realising that my dead body was a distinct possibility, I thought I'd be cautious in the coming fight.

    CLEARLY THIS WAS THE WRONG APPROACH. I managed to get his shields down a couple of times but he just regenerated and before I knew it he'd done a runner WITH OUR CRUCIBLE INFO and we were left to watch the destruction of the Asari planet of Thessia... what have I done? Please tell me this happens regardless and I haven't smurfed up in a huge way??

    Tune in next time when Shepard buys Liara some chocolates in order to apologise for letting millions of her people die and her planet be destroyed.
    Last edited by Bubba; 08-03-2017 at 03:42 PM.

  3. #603
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    Don't worry, you didn't do anything wrong. Thessia's just doomed.

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    Priority: Horizon

    Following my horrible failure on Thessia, it was time to dust ourselves off then kick some Cerberus arse. There's no way they're getting away with causing pain to my darling Liara. You better put some lotion on, boys... because you're about to get a spanking!

    Traynor managed to track Kai Leng to a Cerberus-owned facility called Horizon. We head on over there and like most locations at this point in the game... it's a sh*t tip. There's fire and debris everywhere and this only gets worse as a Cerberus drop ship crashes right near us and spews out a few goons. Oooh yeah, I'm just itching for a good fight... bring it on!

    We take them out with ease and enter the facility. There are a few PDA's dotted around and also a video log from ol' perky-ass, Miranda! It seems she's tracked her sister here and suspects that her father had a hand in her disappearance. Talk about a Family Feud! "I'll take 'Daddy issues' for 200, Alex!" Hang on, that's Jeopardy isn't it? Ignore me.

    The next area has a guy relaxing on a lilo in the middle of a huge swimming pool. No wait, he's dead... and it isn't a pool. Well, whatever this large body of water is, we press a switch to drain it. There's nowhere to go except into the newly-drained pool which contained some Reaper tech... possibly a snow-cone maker. There was also a secret passage in the empty pool. Onward!

    We arrive at a new room and are tasked with turning on the power. This is all very Resident-Evil, so far! We access a nearby computer and holy sh*t... Cerberus are bad, bad people. I mean, we already knew this BUT STILL. This 'sanctuary' was just a facility for Cerberus to turn all the refugees into Husks!

    The next room has another console where we see Miranda and her sister being pursued by that walking vomit-stain, Kai Leng. I hope we're not too late to tear this guy a new one. HUSKS! A lot of them. I suppose this was expected considering the amount of refugees that would have been turned here. I refused to think about them as former people though... they were now smelly husks so I went pew! pew! Bish bash bosh. Job done.

    We then bust up an anger management meeting between a couple of marauders, a banshee and a ravager. Clearly their meetings aren't going very well as they seemed very angry. Luckily for them, their meetings will no longer be required as I took them out... and I don't mean for a steak and a nice bottle of shiraz.

    We descend some stairs into a room with a couple more audio logs from Miranda's troublesome Dad. I scan the rest of the room and legitimately nearly soiled myself when I approached a window... there was a banshee on the other side literally inches from my face. Smurf off, Horizon with your Resident Evil-style scares!

    A new room, a new set of ugly-faced, freak-shows to deal with... and deal with them I did . A new PDA gives us a big reveal... Miranda's Dad is working for the Illusive Man! Well yeah, I'd kind of already figured that out but thanks anyway, game. Mr Lawson and Charlie Sheen's Dad were discussing their experiments which changed refugees into Husks. It's strange they would leave this incriminating evidence just lying around on a desk but hey ho.

    We pushed on and an interesting 'double-corridor' fight took place. Cannibals down the left one, Ravagers to the right (Everyone! "Here I am, stuck in the middle with you!!"). I berated Tali and Garrus as they kept walking in front of the Ravagers and getting killed. Then I remembered I'm the Commander and should be telling them where to go. OK fine, I'll do that... though I would've thought "don't walk into a barrage of oncoming fire" is common sense. This was certainly a dangerous corridor so when I downed what I thought was the last enemy... I waited. Just to make sure. Eventually, the game flashed me a message saying "Search the Perimeter" which is another way of saying "Get a move on, you smurfing coward."

    Final battle time! We activate a little platform taking us to the other side of the facility only to find three brutes and a banshee... which sounds like the name of a Norwegian death metal band. A combination of Garrus' Overload, Tali's combat drone and my awesomeness were enough to nullify the threat. Lovely!

    We hear gunfire from the next room... it turns out the Lawson Jeopardy/Family Feud was in full swing! Daddy Lawson had his daughter (Oriana) held hostage while Miranda was standing off. Tense! Will Mr Lawson make it out of this Family Feud alive? Our survey says...

    III ERRR!!! Or, whatever the noise for an incorrect answer is on Family Feud in your respective country. Fun fact: In the UK, the show is called Family Fortunes. The more you know

    Anyway, back to this game I'm playing. Shepard manages to convince her Dad to let Oriana go. Yey, no-one dies! Miranda had other ideas though and biotic-punched her Dad through a glass window and he fell to what I'm sure was a horrible, splattery death. Ah well, they didn't sound that close anyway. Mission completed!

    Tune in next time when George R R Martin is drafted in to write the end of ME:3 resulting in the destruction of the entire universe.
    Last edited by Bubba; 08-10-2017 at 12:14 PM.

  5. #605
    Ghost of Christmas' past Recognized Member theundeadhero's Avatar
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    Did you see the videos with the origin of EDI? That came as a surprise to me.
    ...

  6. #606
    Trial by Wombat Bubba's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by theundeadhero View Post
    Did you see the videos with the origin of EDI? That came as a surprise to me.
    Not on Horizon! I did see them tonight though. Just finished Priority: Cerberus Headquarters. Lots of interesting reveals!

    Should have it typed up tomorrow

  7. #607
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    Oh yeah, I thought that was Horizon, but I guess it is HQ. I remembered wrong
    ...

  8. #608
    Trial by Wombat Bubba's Avatar
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    A quick update before I dive into the next mission!

    There was a lovely scene with Tali in the Normandy bar area after the last mission. She was sat getting wasted by inhaling booze through a straw/ventilation port. It was pretty damn hilarious! It was also quite sweet as she expressed how much she liked and respected Miranda. A touching scene... not that kind of touching you filthy cretins.

    Also, it appears my previous dalliances with Jack and flirting with... well, everyone... has not dampened Liara's feelings towards me. She came to my quarters. We sat on the bed. There was definite touching and yes... that kind of touching. She told me she loved me, I told her I liked her as a friend and then we bonked the night away. Happy times

  9. #609
    Trial by Wombat Bubba's Avatar
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    Priority: Cerberus headquarters

    OK. We've found the Illusive Man's hideout at the arse-end of some galaxy. We need to recover the Prothean VI which holds the key to completing the Crucible that should enable us to finally defeat the Reapers.

    Pic 1.jpg

    Good.

    EDI is a mandatory part of the squad for this escapade and I also bring Garrus for his sexy voice. A quick Skype to Admiral Hackett reveals that attempting this mission will let the Reapers know about our plans with the Crucible. I thought it was strange that the Hack man gave me a choice of proceeding or waiting. Ahhhhh, this must be the ol' point of no return. Well, I'm as ready as I'll ever be. Let's go!

    Joker gets us in close and we shuttle our way into the hangar. I was foolishly hoping we would take them by surprise and they would all be taking coffee breaks or something... no such luck. We were met by Troopers, Centurions, a Nemesis and a damn Atlas Mech.

    The hangar was huge and had limited cover but it wasn't too tough. They seemed to have borrowed a smoke machine from the 80's rock band Van Halen as I could barely see any of them. Luckily, I thought it prudent to update a lot of my weapons prior to this mission and my sniper had a smoke-scope thingy... nowhere to hide, f**knuts! I saved the mech till last and thoroughly enjoyed sniping the pilot through the cockpit window.

    My glorious victory was short-lived however. Once the hangar was clear, EDI told me "We need to deactivate the hangar vent". No worries, Just gonna have a little scout around of the area. "Shepard , we need to deactivate the hangar vent." OK fine, where is it? "Shepard, the hangar vent needs deactivating." WHERE IS IT, YOU METAL DICK?!!


    Pic 2.jpg


    Oh for f**ks sake.

    Fortunately, we re-spawned after the hectic hangar battle and I managed to find some well hidden ladders up to... well would you look at this!! A deactivation point for the hangar vent! Cheers EDI, you could have told me it was on the upper level. I wasn't happy with that death, especially considering there was no timer

    Activating the vent alerted more troops to us. I was in a bad mood now so I wasn't taking any sh*t. We blew the troopers away and made our way down a couple of ladders. My spirits lifted slightly when I was able to fiddle with some rotation controls and send a Cerberus ship hurtling through a set of closed hangar doors. Pretty cool, game. More stuff like this please

    The fiery hole it left behind just happened to be the perfect size for an Atlas Mech to come sauntering through. Do Atlas Mechs saunter? I dunno but this one did. The anger from that sneaky death was still burning inside me though and I dispatched him and his cronies, ruthlessly. I mean seriously... I was ruthless. There was literally no ruth to be seen anywhere. That chick has gone, scarpered, disappeared.

    Like a turd after a curry, we passed through the burning hole and found ourselves in a series of rooms with terminals giving us some interesting insights. We learn a bit more about the Lazarus Project which is the only reason I'm still playing this game. I appreciate your efforts, everyone! Also, EDI's origins were revealed to be from the Rogue VI that we dealt with way back in ME1! She'd been engineered with additional Reaper tech too. I did enjoy that link back to the original game.

    Anyway, we jump down a random blue hole because it seemed like the right thing to do and find ooooohhhh! It's the leftovers of the Terminator boss we fought at the end of ME2! Thankfully he's still well and truly deaded and we just had to deal with Nemeses and Phantoms on these awkward catwalks. Popping in-and-out of cover with my trusty sniper soon had the way forward clear.

    We climbed right up to the top and eventually entered... The Illusive Man Room! You know the one, when he Skype's you he's always sat in that chair with stuff in the background. Yeah, you know the one. It's the picture after every single mission you complete in ME2. Anyway, we're here and guess who isn't home? Yup, Mr Illusive himself. Illusive indeed.

    He bing-bongs us on Skype though and some serious sh*t gets revealed. Are you guys and gals ready?? The Illusive Man is attempting to control the Reapers which just sounds... stupid. We try our best to convince him of how stupid he's being but it clearly doesn't work. Ahh, forget talking to this prick, we find the Prothean VI and The Illusive Man does a runner.

    The VI has some earth-shattering information... and earth-shattering is definitely the appropriate term to use. The Catalyst thing that is due to destroy the Reapers is in fact... The Citadel! To make matters a million times worse, The Illusive Man knows this and is heading there now. He's also alerted the Reapers who in turn have taken control of the Citadel and moved it. Before the location was revealed I found I already knew the answer... Earth.

    I barely had time to digest all this when we are suddenly faced with that damp tuft of rectal pubic hair... Kai Leng. Surely now, it was time for this 's demise.

    Eeek, the fight starts with the prick running straight at me and I'm pretty sure he wasn't going to give me a hug. We do a bit of grappling before I manage to break away and then leg it to the other side of the room. I knew this guy would be tough! I used Overload a lot and tried sniping him from a distance. This seemed to work because he stopped to regenerate his shields and summoned a swarm of troopers to keep us busy. I tried to take these out first but found that just running around and keeping focus on Kai Leng seemed to be doing the trick. The battle became even tougher when he started summoning Phantoms and Nemeses to help him but eventually (and following a few Shepard deaths)... we clear the room and Kai Leng is dead!!

    Oh wait, no he isn't. He's still moving and somehow sneaks up on me from behind. Oh man... there was a renegade interrupt option here and I have never been more tempted to press one. I seriously just wanted to gut this guy. Everything turned out rosy though as Shepard dodges the attack, turns around and sticks a blade right in his stomach! Damn... I wonder what the renegade option was then?

    Anyway, mission over and all that's left now is a journey to the Citadel and see if we can save Earth!

    Tune in next time when this thread which started at the dawn of time may finally be coming to a conclusion.

  10. #610
    Trial by Wombat Bubba's Avatar
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    Awww, there was also a lovely moment back on the Normandy. I spoke to everyone and they all seemed very focussed on what we needed to do. Everyone except Tali and Garrus who were touching each other up in one of the rooms! You go, you two! Get some!

  11. #611
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    The Renegade Interrupt

    Well worth it.
    My friend Delzethin is currently running a GoFundMe account to pay for some extended medical troubles he's had. He's had chronic issues and lifetime troubles that have really crippled his career opportunities, and he's trying to get enough funding to get back to a stable medical situation. If you like his content, please support his GoFundMe, or even just contribute to his Patreon.

    He can really use a hand with this, and any support you can offer is appreciated.

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    Priority: Earth

    Well, it's finally arrived. After over a year of typing up an LP for these three games, we're finally at the end... for those of you still reading anyway

    An epic cut-scene plays showing us arriving at Earth. All of us. All the races I'd managed to unite in an attempt to kick the Reapers into oblivion. I was very proud of the fact that there were so many of us and I felt a little emotional. Go me! *sobs* I pull myself together in time for the start of the mission though. Come on! One last fight!

    Here's the situation: The Reapers have control of the Citadel and they have managed to close the thing up. This poses a serious problem for us as there is no way we can dock with it and try and activate this Crucible. Commander Anderson has a plan though. There is a facility on Earth (London, to be precise) which allows the Reapers to 'beam up' to the Citadel, Star Trek-style. Unfortunately, this facility is being guarded by a big-ass Reaper (that is, a large-in-size Reaper... not a Reaper in the shape of a plump bum) and there was no way to take it down from the air due to interference or something. That only leaves us with one option... Shepard will lead a ground assault and face these f**kers head-on.

    London has clearly seen better days. Cortez flies us into what looks a bit like a train station... and this station was Prick Central. We hadn't even landed and already I was having my shield reduced by Cannibals and Marauders. Ooooh, let me at 'em!

    I seemed to have picked up a snazzy rifle from somewhere because the one I was using was awesome. It was very similar to the sniper rifle (damage-wise) but I could use it a number of times in quick succession. Cue lots of falling Reaper goons. I would have made quicker work of them all but there is some weird blue cannon that keeps going off in the distance causing the ground to shake. It was like trying to snipe whilst sat on a high-speed tumble dryer.

    We slowly creep up this hill whilst taking out goons that were trying to flank us. "I see you there hiding behind that barrel, you sneaky bastard!" Shepard would yell... or at least he should have. I did.

    We were greeted at the top of the hill by a couple of Brutes. I was pretty sure they weren't there for autographs so I wasted no time in taking them down. The normal goons were more annoying though as they kept circling around in an attempt to penetrate from behind. Only Kaidan has permission to that, you ugly s.

    Once we'd disposed of these freakazoids, we were tasked with locating one of our drop ships that had crashed. Apparently, it was carrying some juicy weaponry which will enable us to take out that weird blue reaper cannon I told you about before (if you were paying attention ).

    We head up a nearby 'rubble ramp' and our path to the wrecked shuttle was blocked by even more agents of ugliness. This time, we had a ravager to deal with, he kind of looks like a less-colourful version of Mr. Blobby... with none of the slapstick humour associated with that comedy legend.

    We clear out the goons before finally arriving at the downed ship and sure enough... an M-920 is sat there waiting for us to give its trigger a tickle. I assume I only get one shot with this thing. Luckily, the weird blue reaper cannon is literally right next to us and it's huuuuuuuge. You'd have to be a special kind of incompetent if you were to miss from here. I take aim and BOOM! The Reaper Cannon is an ex-Reaper Cannon!

    This was the most joyous of news as it meant it was now safe for a drop ship to arrive and complete our extraction. Of course, it was never gonna be that simple. A Banshee was stalking us and a gaggle of Cannibals were trying to flank us. I took down the Banshee but was completely pinned down by the chuffing Cannibals. That drop ship extraction would be handy right about now!

    Oh, you are taking the piss. The drop ship pilot either hates us or is a complete f**ktard. He decides the best place to land is on the other side of the Cannibals. What a prick.

    I bring up my special menu to see what power I can blast them with and oh! I have a rare moment of inspiration! I realized this was the perfect opportunity to wear Harry's Cloak of Invisibility my tactical cloak. I leg it past the bewildered Cannibals and make it safely into the warm, cosy drop ship. Mission over and game finished!

    Well, not quite. We find ourselves at the forward command base and we had a bit of down time. THE CALM BEFORE THE STORM. There were some familiar faces loitering about here. My favourite was my old pal Urdnot Wrex. He was busy giving an uplifting speech to the Krogan. I decided to stand directly in front of him and stare because I am a crazy cat.

    Shepard then gives a stirring speech of his own to the Normandy crew and we are finally ready for the final battle/assault/thing.

    Tune in tomorrow (or ten days from now... or whenever I can be arsed typing up the end) for the exciting conclusion to Bubba's Mass Effect Adventures!
    Last edited by Bubba; 08-23-2017 at 05:47 PM.

  13. #613
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    So close to the end! I think my favourite "last chance to talk before the trout goes down" might be with Garrus. Just like old times, you bird-thing with a metallic exoskeleton, you.

  14. #614
    Ghost of Christmas' past Recognized Member theundeadhero's Avatar
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    I'm not sure if you caught it, but there's like a ?telephone? thing where you can call all your buddies not their on Earth at the moment. Some good moments all around there though. I can't wait to hear how much you cuss at different parts of the last mission, though!
    ...

  15. #615
    Trial by Wombat Bubba's Avatar
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    Oh yeah! I did catch those bits!

    Some dude was manning a phone and asked if there's anyone I'd like to contact. I had some lovely conversations with Jacob, Samara, Miranda and best of all Jack. She does look really hot with her new haircut.

    I'm gonna smurf my way through everyone on my Renegade playthrough

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