Illusive Man is illusive.

It turns out he has revived me to help ensure the survival of humanity. No pressure then... jeez. I'm starting to think they should have left my corpse floating through space. Cutting through the waffle, there's an Alliance colony called Freedom's Progress that is under siege. Time to flex my muscles! Once I'd done that I picked up the controller and carried on with the game.

Had quick chats with Miranda and Jacob before jetting off. Miranda clearly has reservations about me which I don't mind. I guess I'll have to earn her trust. Jacob on the other hand was far friendlier and pleased as punch to be working with me. He's quite the charming dude, I can see why Pumpkin was sucked in.

I loved the start of the Freedom's Progress mission. It reminded me of Aliens again when they all first land in the dropship. I was happy to learn that Captain Illusive made me the commanding officer of the mission. Miranda did not seem pleased. I told her to shut the hell up (or I would if it was an option) and said our first priority was to look for survivors. Still familiarising myself with the controls, I accidentally sent both Jacob and Miranda sprinting to the other side of the landing platform. I then entertained myself for a few minutes making them both run back and forward across the platform to the sound of them both shouting "OK!" and "On my way!". I am a terrible commander.

Bleep test over, we started snooping around. Things seemed pretty quiet... a little too quiet. After a box or two containing credits, we were attacked by some more mechs. Once again it seemed like they'd been reprogrammed to attack humans. I've seen I, Robot, I could have told them years ago that making robots was a bad idea.

After a few more mechs and crates, we come face to face with an old friend. Tali! Even though I didn't use her that much in ME1, it was still nice to see a familiar face. Plus, she stopped us all getting shot by her Quarian buddies. Apparently, they're after a fellow Quarian called Detour who is here helping the colony as part of his pilgrimage. It seems like finding this freakazoid will give us the answers we need so we decide to team up *virtual Human and Quarian team high five*.

We soon encountered these pain in the ass flying drone thingies. Overload does the job but yeah, I don't like them. Still getting used to my improved arsenal of weapons. Not had a good enough opportunity for the sniper yet. After cutting down more drones, Tali comes over the comm to say that she's unleashed this badass mech boss and it's tearing everyone apart. Good going, love. It didn't actually cause me as much trouble as the cut scene suggested it might. Overload came in handy again and Shepard can add another reason for everyone to think he's amazing.

After picking up the area's loot, we find Detour in a cabin and hoooo boy... shall we say he is a little disturbed? I'm playing as paragon so I made Shepard shut down Detour's monitors. He did this impressively fast too. Nearly as quick as me closing down my porn browsers when MissH gets home. Apparently these folk called Collector's are kidnapping humans for reasons unknown. Lovely. I didn't take Detour into custody, I let Tali take him with her because she's my dudette.

Mission over, General Illusive gave me some vague info on these Collectors. It would seem I'm on a need-to-know basis though. He says I need to start recruiting members for my team. Let's do it! Apparently, none of my original crew are available so my first stop appears to be to grab this scientist. One familiar face did return though, Joker! Also, he's going to be piloting a brand, spanking new Normandy!

Tune in next time as Shepard accidentally damages a drive plate within his first twenty minutes on board killing the entire crew.